Busy Week

Next Wednesday will be 6 months since Nathaniel died. It's come up on us quickly. We have big plans to go camping as a family for a few days. I'm sure that will be fun. Up until we leave may be a little stressful though. I still have to figure out if there is anything else that we want to do while we are there, make plans with friends in the area, wash clothes so that we have something to wear, plan what we are going to eat and go grocery shopping, and take my car in to get the brakes checked so I'm not scared to drive it for a road trip. On top of that we are going to a wedding this weekend and babysitting for a friend tonight.

It certainly doesn't help that I can't seem to make myself go to bed at night lately. I have stayed up until about midnight all week and then woken up before 7 most days for no reason (or because Abby wakes me up for some pressing need while Dave is in the shower). I'm tired all afternoon and then when it's a decent time go to bed I'm not tired any more. I really need to break that cycle.

My Pain is His Pain

At church we have been going through the sermon on the mount for months. I don't remember if it started before or after Nathaniel died, but every single week it's something that I need to hear. This past Sunday the sermon was on Matthew 7:7-11.

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Our pastor said something that stuck with me. He said that if we are God's children that our pain is His pain. He knows it, He feels it, and it hurts Him. I had never before thought that what I am going through now is painful to God too. It helps to know that He hurts for me and with me. That doesn't mean He is going to take the pain away. I don't know that I would really want Him to anyway.

(If you would like to listen to the message, they are recorded each week and put on the church's website. You should be able to listen to it online soon.)

Talking About Nathaniel

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. After a while we ended up talking about Nathaniel. I could tell she wanted to talk about him, but it took a long time for her to bring the subject up. I light of that, for those who are wondering if i want to talk about Nathaniel, i do.  I will always want to talk about him. He's my son. He's part of my life.

It's not going to make me sad. I might cry, but that happens all the time now. Don't feel bad about it. You are not reminding me that my son died. I didn't forget. I will never forget. I think about him all the time. Every day. It actually makes me happy to know that other people think about him too. It helps me think that he won't be forgotten.

I may seem happy and talking about him is not going to interrupt that happiness. I'm choosing to be positive and thank God for the blessings He has given through Nathaniel's life.

Shopping Trip Update

We went shopping today to spend Nathaniel's gift card. This is what we got. I think we did pretty good. There was a clearance sale so we got all this and only spent $2 (after the gift card).

Spending Nathaniel's Money

We had a registry for stuff for Nathaniel. We mostly created it because the store where we made it was having a promotion that gave a small percentage of money spent on the purchases of items off the registry back about a month after the baby was supposed to be born. We figured we would use it ourselves as a list of things that we could use or needed to be replaced after Abby, not expecting to have a shower for Nathaniel since he was our second child. It turned out that friends from church threw us a shower and people were really generous so we actually got quite a bit off of our registry.

Even after returning a lot of stuff after Nathaniel died, I still got a gift card in my email a little over a month after his birth. It was about a week after the group from church had gone to Guatemala so we didn't have anything to use it on. I was planning on maybe using it to buy a baby gift if I needed one. (There are a few people who we know who are pregnant.) But I haven't been invited to any baby showers and none of the babies are born yet.

The gift card has an expiration date. That date is coming up. Quickly. So I figured that we need to go use it. Since I have been thinking about Operation Christmas Child boxes, we decided to use it to buy stuff for that. So tomorrow we are going to make a trip to the store as a family and see how many things we can find to buy with that gift card. I hope there's a lot.

Making Lists

I don't get anything done anymore. It was bad when I was pregnant, but it is so much worse now. I'm distracted all the time by all the thoughts that are constantly in my head and can't seem to remember anything. Or if I do remember it is at a time when I can't actually complete the task. Like when I'm at the park or the pool. It doesn't matter what it is or how important it is to get it done. I will probably forget about it.

I've found that lists help. At least if I have a list to look at I might remember the important things like making appointments and paying bills before they are late. It might still take me days or weeks to get through the list, but eventually things get done.

A Few Changes

I've added a few things to the blog. You can now subscribe by clicking on the button on the right side. There is also a new contact form in the blog footer. It will show up at the bottom of every page and post (if you click on the post). Use it to contact me. I will get an email when you do.

Thanks for reading.

Sending Christmas Presents From Nathaniel

Every year as a family we make shoe boxes to send overseas to kids in need with Operation Christmas Child. I collect stuff all year to put in them. Whenever I find a really good deal on something that would be good for them I buy a bunch and put it in a box in the closet. I was at the grocery store recently and they had carts of little girl's sandals for free. I got a bunch. They should fit some little girl. So into the box they went.

Before Nathaniel was born I had bought some presents for him for Christmas this year. In the collection are some books that are great for babies. They are made of special rip-proof paper  that is even washable. They are picture books. They have no words so should be great in boxes. It doesn't matter what country they will end up going to. They are now in the box.

Back to school sale season is here. There will be lots of great deals on school supplies for the next month or so. I will get a bunch of notebooks and pencils, markers and crayons, scissors and glue when they are cheap and they will all go in the box too.

I think I'm going to need a much bigger box this year. It's already overflowing with what I've collected so far and that's after I gave away some of the school supplies that were left over from last year to send to Guatemala with the team from church.

Want to help us send presents? You can make boxes yourself or you can collect stuff and give it to us and we can pool everything and make lots of boxes. Collection week isn't until November so you have lots of time. Last year I think we made 8 as a family. I don't really have a goal of how many to do this year, but I want to do lots and lots for Nathaniel. We won't be buying presents for him this year (or ever) so we can use what we would have spent to send love and hope and joy to little children around the world who don't have anything. If they get a shoebox gift it might be the only present that they have ever gotten in their life.

If you would like more information contact me using the form at the bottom of the page or go to the Operation Christmas Child website.

Getting to Good

For the longest time when asked how we are doing, the best we could say was ok. We weren't terrible, but we weren't good either. A lot of days were bad. Some were terrible days when Abby was not cooperating and I just wanted to cry all day. Those days have been happening less and less. There are still bad days, but they don't seem to be quite as severe or happen as often as they did at first.

Lately when asked how I'm doing, I have been able to truthfully say good. Most days I am pretty good. I'm feeling good. I'm happy. I have fun. We are learning to live with the pain and enjoy life in the midst of it.

6 Word Stories

I came across a blog about grief the other day. In it there was a post about writing six word stories. There was a list of things to write about. There were 11, but 1 isn't so applicable to our situation since we never got to know Nathaniel. I decided to try to come up with something for the other 10. It wasn't easy to find the right words when I could only use 6. So here they are.

A six word story:

1. about your loved one:  Never got to know him here
2. about the death:  Heard last heartbeat. Emergency surgery. Gone.
3. about you before he died:  Hating pregnancy. Ready to meet him.
4. about you after he died:  Not as strong as I seem
5. about a good memory:  Abby reading him lots of stories
6. about something that makes you mad:  Must breathe to get birth certificate
7. about something that gives you anxiety:  Anxious about everything. All the time.
8. about something that gives you hope:  I will meet him in heaven
9. about how you feel about death:  Too young to know this much
10. about your loved one's best quality
11. something you wish people knew about grief:  We'll always miss him. Every day.

Getting to Know the New Me

I no longer know myself. I don't know how I am going to react in any given situation. Is it going to stress me out? Will I cry? Will I need to leave? I don't know what I'm capable of or what I can handle anymore. I can write now and initiate conversations with strangers. Can I do other things I couldn't before? Am I willing to try?

It's hard to one day have something happen to you and all of a sudden be a different person. I knew the old me for almost 37 years. The new me I've only had 5 months to get to know. I think it will take a long time before I know who I am again.

Birthday Dilemmas

I have been thinking of some possibilities of things to do for the Nathaniel Days coming up. I have some ideas for August and October, but September might be hard. September 7th is Abby birthday. I don't want her birthday to be overshadowed by Nathaniel Day. I don't want her to feel forgotten or left out in the midst of us trying to remember him. At least this year the 6th and 7th are weekend days so we could do something both days.

I Will Not Hide My Grief

Since Nathaniel died I have heard about so many other babies that died. Many of those are from people that I know. I had no idea that they had gone through that. I don't know why baby loss has to be a secret. 

Nathaniel is not going to be a secret. I am not going to let that happen. I am going to talk about him. I will probably cry and that's ok. I will probably make people uncomfortable sometimes, but I don't care. He is part of our family. He always will be. 

My Words Are Powerful

A lot of people around me around going through some really hard things right now. Apparently I now have the authority to tell people things that would usually be ignored or disregarded. I can tell someone who says that they don't think that they will be able to make it through something terrible that they can do it. If God allowed them to be put in the situation, He will also give them the strength to get through it. Coming from me this actually means something if they know what I have gone through. It is not just something I am telling them to make them feel better. I have lived it.

I am dealing with the loss of Nathaniel day by day with lots of help from God. On my own I could not do this. Everything is so hard now. It is only with God's help that I accomplish anything.

If you are in a situation that you think you can't make it through ask God for strength. He will help you through it.

I Was Wrong About Babies

I thought I was ok around babies. They never seemed to bother me. I was wrong. I learned today that I can not be in the same room as a very small baby that is crying. If the baby is quiet and I can not look at him/her I can pretend that the baby is not there. I think that is how I had been dealing with the babies that I would see around me. I would not look or walk away and go somewhere else. That doesn't work in a small space with a crying baby. There is no escape. Today I had to go outside to get away or I was going to start crying in the middle of a group of strangers at a bridal shower.

It was a nice day and a friend who understood what was going on came with me. We had a nice conversation outside in the sunshine for a while and then went back in to the party. The baby had stopped crying and I no longer felt like I could break into tears at any moment.

So now I know that I can not handle babies. There aren't any babies at church right now, but soon there will be one. I worked in the nursery until a few weeks before Nathaniel was born and was going to take a break for a while anyway. Now I know that break might be really long. I may never be able to do it again. I really hope not.

Parties and Grief

I am going to a bridal shower today for a friend from church. I want to go and I think I'll have fun, but I'm scared. There are going to be new people there. There might be questions asked that if I answered them how I wanted to would make a happy occasion sad. I don't want to ruin the party.

Missing the Mundane

I wrote this the other day, but hadn't posted it yet.

I've had a lot of dreams about Nathaniel lately. This morning I was dreaming about him right before I woke up. I was dreaming that we were at church. I was feeding him and then he needed his diaper changed. I felt myself waking up and the dream fading. I really didn't want the dream to end. I wanted to sleep and sleep and keep doing normal things for him since I can't in real life.

Dave decided that the one thing that we wanted to do for
Nathaniel at the hospital was change his diaper. One of
the nurses took pictures of Nathaniel's only diaper
change ever.

One thing I was looking forward to with Nathaniel was changing his diapers. I know it sounds strange, but it's true. We used cloth diapers with Abby, but some of them were very girly so I had gotten some new ones for him. I was so excited to use the new newborn diapers I had bought. They were so tiny and cute. They were all ready for him in baskets in his room. There was one with bikes on it. I really wanted to use that one. I had considered bringing some to the hospital with us, but really didn't want to come home and do a load of laundry right away so I didn't pack them. He didn't need them anyway.

Nathaniel Day 5 - Legoland

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and previous months activities here, here, and here.

July 6th landed on a Sunday so Dave was able to celebrate Nathaniel Day with us all day this month. Usually he misses out on the fun.

We had never been to Legoland before. I thought that Abby would like it and since I hadn't been there before I would have fun too. It is one of the places that we can get a pass for at the library so we could get one of us in free. It's a little expensive, but for Nathaniel Day I don't care about how much money we are spending. For me that is a big deal.

Lunch at IKEA

We headed down to Schaumburg after church. Since we were in the area we decided to make a short stop at IKEA. We braved the weekend crowds to pick up a new desk chair and eat some lunch at the store restaurant before heading down the street to our day of fun at Legoland.

Abby had so much fun at Legoland. She loved looking at mini Chicago, especially the fire trucks and construction equipment. We went on the "factory tour", built many many cars and raced them for hours, rode in a dragon car, and pushed lots and lots of buttons. We stayed there all afternoon and evening until we had to leave because they were closing.

Watching the fire trucks in mini Chicago.

Abby was not a fan of the jungle. We didn't spend much
time in there.

Shooting bad guys to save the princess.

Abby helping Daddy find pieces to
build a car to race.

Abby squishing a penny. She chose a skeleton lego man.

Since we stayed so late, we decided that we should probably eat something before going home. We found a restaurant (eating out twice in one day is definitely not normal for us), ate, and then we on our way home. Abby fell asleep pretty early in to our drive home. By the time we got home we were all tired and sore and ready for bed.

It was a long, fun day. I look forward to next month's fun activity. I don't know what that will be yet, but I have time.

Denial Would Be So Easy

It would be so easy to put away all the baby stuff and traces of Nathaniel from the house and deny that he died. I could pretty easily pretend that the last year didn't happen. I have no baby. I have no birth certificate. I've lost most of the pregnancy weight. It could have all been a really bad dream.

But I can't do that. That would be denying that he existed at all. I can't do that. I will take the pain that comes with acknowledging his life since that means acknowledging his death.

Even if I took away all the physical proof I still couldn't deny it happened. All I have to do is look down at my belly and see the scar. The scar from the c section that I desperately didn't want to happen at the time, but after the fact am so grateful for. It is fading, but will never disappear completely. I will always carry a reminder of him with me. God must have known that I would need it.

5 months

Dear Nathaniel,

You've been in heaven now for 5 months. I'm sure you are having a great time up there. We miss you down here on earth. This past month has been really hard. I have been thinking about you a lot. I read about other babies that were born in February and hear about what new things they are doing now - rolling over and sitting up and maybe trying out baby food for the first time. What are you doing? Are you still a baby? You will always be a newborn baby to me.  

Abby and Mommy and Daddy are going to go do something fun to remember you today.  After church we are going to go play with Legos. Abby is going to love it. I think you would have too.

We love you and will be thinking about you all day.

Mommy

Hope for the Grieving

In the past month we have heard of two other families that have lost babies. This is just friends of people at church and our church is small.

I don't want to be the resource for families going through this, but that seems to be what God wants us to do so I contact the strangers or tell the friends that they can give out our information. I really don't want to, but I need to give people hope. That is a big reason that I started this blog.

So many people are hopeless when their child dies. Their life is over. It has no meaning. That is not us. We don't feel that way at all. If anything the loss of Nathaniel has given our lives deeper meaning and passion to help people that wasn't there before.

We can make it through this. It's terrible and it hurts, but God is good and he is with us. He will help us through this if we let him.

Babies at Church

Last Sunday we were out of town at the Stillbirth Summit. We considered not going to church, but the conference had been held at a church so we knew where one was and looked up the times and it would work for us leaving early enough to get back home at a reasonable hour. We decided to go.

We have not been to other churches very often lately. The last time was Christmas Eve. Our church wasn't having a service and I wanted to go to one so we did. It wasn't what we expected and it certainly wasn't our church. It made us realize how much we like our church. (That hasn't always been the case.)

I certainly wasn't prepared for what happened at the church we went to on Sunday. At the service we went to there was a baby dedication and a memorial service for an elderly man who had recently died. I had just spent the whole day before in that same room thinking about Nathaniel and death and grief. I wasn't expecting the same thing at church.

I had used all the kleenex in my purse and hadn't gotten more before the service started. I had thought about getting more, but I hadn't cried at church in a few weeks so I thought I would be ok. Nope. Not ok. When the baby dedication started and pictures came up on the screen I lost it. The baby being dedicated was a boy, probably about the same age as Nathaniel would have been. It was so hard to see the family standing on stage and the pictures that we will never have scrolling on the screen behind them. We should be that family. Instead we are going to conferences about stillbirth and grief.

I wasn't expecting the reaction I had to the baby that I didn't know. I have been ok seeing babies in my normal everyday life and pictures of babies online. Sometimes they make me a little sad, but nothing like this. I hope I don't have the same reaction when I see the new babies that should be coming soon that I will be seeing all the time.

Busy Start to the Summer

Time has been flying by lately. It seems like it was just May. Now it's July.

June was an eventful month.

• We said goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa and their truck and camper. 
• We went swimming.
• We went to the farmer's market.
• We went to a museum for Nathaniel Day.
• We went to the pool.
• We went to the farmer's market in the rain.
• We celebrated Father's Day.
• We went swimming with Grandma.
• We met with the high risk doctor. 
• We went to our grief group meeting.
• We went to the library.
• We went swimming.
• We celebrated my birthday. 
• We played at the park.
• We watched a movie at the library.
• We went swimming.
• We took the train downtown. 
• We went to the art museum.
• We went swimming.
• I saw a play. 
• We went swimming.
• Abby stayed with Grandma and Grandpa for the weekend while Dave and I drove to Minnesota and back. 
• We went swimming with Grandma and Nick.
• We had a picnic at the park.
• We went swimming.

I think we are getting good use our of our pool pass this year. I just looked and we went 10 times in June.

In the midst of all that I also managed to exercise nearly every day and post on here. I'm pretty proud of myself.