A Heart to Hang on the Tree

I make handmade paper. One Christmas I made each member of my extended family and Dave's extended family a personalized ornament. Since then I have made a new one for each new baby that has come. This year I am planning on making all of my family Nathaniel ornaments out of recycled paper that I associate with him (envelopes from sympathy cards, his registry printout, receipts, etc) and flowers from the memorial service. Each family will get one. I haven't started on them yet. I will soon.

I also thought of making ornaments for my loss friends. The idea in my head was that they could give me a few things, if they had them, and I would make them into an ornament that they could keep forever.

It seemed like a good idea. I just didn't know how much paper I would need to make one ornament. I have never made just one. I was making lots at a time. The other day, while Abby was napping, I decided to make one for the family of baby Edward. I had the program from his funeral service and a few other pieces of paper that I associated with him. I also added a page from the baby brother book that was sitting on the desk.

Here's what I started with: 2 1/2 pieces of paper and a blue envelope that I had. I added 1/2 a sheet of blue tissue paper so that they would end up with a little more color.

I was able to make either 3 big hearts or maybe 12 little ones. That's more than I expected.

Now I know I can make something special for someone who is hurting even if they don't have much to give me. One or two pieces of paper that have meaning to them can make a beautiful memorial for the one they have lost.

The finished product. I think it turned out well.

For the family of baby Edward.
All ready to go in the mail.
They don't know about it. Hopefully it brightens their day when they get it.

Nathaniel Day 2 - Botanic Gardens

Since it took me a while to start this blog there are a few Nathaniel Days to catch up on.

Interesting flowers that looked dead, but weren't

March 6, 2014 Nathaniel Day 2 - A Trip to the Chicago Botanic Gardens

(I'm going to call this one Nathaniel Day 2, but it was really the first time we did something. I think it's easier than saying "the day Nathaniel would have been 2 months old", but that's what I mean. So from now on the number is how many months old he would have been on that day.)

March 6th was a Sunday. We decided that we would do something fun as a family to help make the day be not so sad. We decided that we couldn't avoid things that reminded us of him or we would never go anywhere or do anything ever again. It was supposed to be a nice day so we decided that after church we would go to lunch somewhere and then do an outdoor activity.

We went to lunch at a little Mexican restaurant near church. The last time we had been there was the day of Nathaniel's memorial service. It's a place we like to go a lot. It was good. It always is.

Flowering cactus in one
of the greenhouses

Then we went to the Botanic Gardens. We went there because it's a place we like to go often because we can go for free. It was a little early for anything to be very pretty outside, but there are also greenhouses so we could go there to warm up and see some pretty flowers. It really didn't matter what we saw. We just needed to do something out of the house. Pretty things to look at would be an added bonus.

Abby trying to pick the bananas off
the banana tree

Mostly we just walked. We let Abby go wherever she wanted to go. She found some kids to talk to and follow around for a while. We went in the greenhouses. We walked around the Japanese garden area and then found a section that we didn't know existed with a fun bridge and a building with a rooftop garden and buttons to touch inside to learn all about plants.

We were there for a long time. We walked a lot and were all pretty tired by the time we left, but we had fun and that was the point of the day.

Following Abby on the way back to the car.

Something to Say

I thought writing a blog would be hard. I don't normally write. I don't usually journal, but since Nathaniel died I have. There are things I need to get out of my head. If they stay there I can't stop thinking about them. Sometimes I can't sleep because of all the thoughts in my head.

When I started this blog I didn't know how long I would be able to keep it going. I thought I would run out of things to say quickly. I haven't. I have plenty to say and I keep coming up with more. I am always thinking of Nathaniel and often do things to remember him. Since this blog is about him there is always something to write.

What is even more surprising to me is that people are reading what I have to say. Lots of people. Every day. Some of these people are people I don't know. I'm glad. I started this blog for them. I wanted to spread the hope that we have to as many people as possible.

Thanks everyone for reading. Come back again.

I See Loss Everywhere

I read a lot of books. I don't recall reading much about dying babies or children in the books I chose in the past. Since Nathaniel died, I think every single book has the death of a child somewhere in it.  I didn't choose the books because they were about baby loss. They weren't about that, at least not according to the summary on the inside cover. They were random novels chosen mostly from the new book section at the library. One was a young adult bestseller.

In the book I am reading now a mother loses a baby on page one, sentence number four. It really isn't terribly relevant to the story so maybe had I read it four months ago I would have not remembered it. Now it sticks out. Am I just more sensitised to it now or is it really everywhere?

People lose babies all the time. It's really fairly normal. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that now that I am living it that I should see it everywhere I look.

A Few Days Off

My parents are coming to visit today for a few days so there might be a few less posts from me this week. I will try to post something every day. I have a post or two already written, but don't know how much time I will have to write while they are here.

Getting a Book Published is Hard

I've never wanted to write a book. I certainly didn't know what was needed to be done to get one published. In my head you write something, send it to publishers, they read it, love it, publish it, and send you money. That is definitely not how it works, especially not for a first time author. Most publishers will not accept anything directly. You need an agent. The agent talks to the publisher for you. But you can't just go out and pick an agent, they pick you. I didn't know this.

In order to get an agent you need to have what is called a query letter. It tells about your book and you and basically tells them why they should publish it. I don't want to write that. I just want my book to get to the people that need it. I don't even care about the money. I would give it away if I could. I just need to get someone to publish it first.

I've been working on the letter. It is hard. I need for someone to see the desperate need for this book. I have 3 paragraphs to convince them.

I think I have something good written. I'm having a few people read it to see if it needs to be fixed or changed. Then I can send it out.

Step 1 of ? almost done.

Up next the search for an agent.

I don't want to do this, but I need to.

Goats and Ice Cream

A couple nights ago Dave and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Dave - "Should I quit my job so we can go to a third world country to start an orphanage?"
Me - "Nope. I don't want to live in a third world country."
Dave - "What about a second world country?"
Me - "Maybe"
Dave - "What's your passion?"
Me - "I don't know."
Dave - "Do you like kids? Do you like teaching kids? How about teenagers? Do you like reading books? To kids? What about having an ice cream store? We could milk goats and make ice cream. Kids like ice cream."

So what is my passion? I was thinking about this for a long time. I think I know what it is now. I need to help people and I need to give them hope. I don't know what that is going to look like.

I don't want to leave everything here and move, especially not to a third world country. Is that where God wants us? I hope not, but if it is I will go. I don't want to, but there's a lot I'm doing now that I don't want to do. I would even milk goats to make ice cream.

Nathaniel Remembrance Days

I had a very hard time on the first month anniversary of Nathaniel's death. Since he was born in February, it was also a Thursday which made it doubly hard. I hadn't though of anything to do that day to make it different. It was too overwhelming. It was a Thursday so we went to story time at the library like normal. I cried. We came home and I cried.  I don't remember what else I did that day. I just remember lots of tears.

I didn't want a repeat of that every month so I decided to start doing what I am calling "Nathaniel Remembrance Days" so now on the 6th of the month Abby and I, and whoever else can join us, are going to do something fun to remember him. So far this has worked well. I have had something to look forward to on the 6th instead of just the reminder that he has been gone another month.

I haven't come up with an idea for June yet. It needs to be something special that we wouldn't do any other day. Any ideas? We have so far gone to the botanic garden and the zoo.

The Many Adventures of Baby Brother

I went many places with Nathaniel while I was pregnant. Normal, everyday places like the swimming pool, park, grocery store, church, the library, preschool homeschool group, doctor's offices, and the dentist twice. He also went to Alaska to visit Grandma and Grandpa and his cousins, aunts, and uncles. We went on bike rides, car rides, camping trips, and hikes. We went to museums, concerts, and rode the train. We went to his uncle's wedding where Daddy was the best man and Abby was the flower girl. We went to Great Grandpa's funeral in Oklahoma and while we were there we spent time with more family and had fun learning about the cherokees. We saw people we haven't seen in years.

After we lost Nathaniel I still carried him with me wherever we went. I had the story that I had written and then Abby's book* in my bag at all times.  It came with me to the OB's office, the dentist, the library, church, the homeschool group, and the grief group at the hospital that we became a part of. I shared it with everyone I saw. If you saw me you probably heard, "Do you want to see Abby's book?" shortly after I said hi.

Lately the book has stayed home. I figured everyone I see has already read it. Right now it is sitting faced out on a bookshelf. I look at it all the time, but I don't open it or offer to read it to Abby.

I know that it has gotten to the point in time that everyone we come in contact with does not know what we have so recently gone through. Maybe I should start to carry Nathaniel with me everywhere again.


*The title of the book is "Where is Baby Brother?". To her that's his name. His name is not Nathaniel.

The Difference is Hope

Romans 5:2-5

The Message (MSG)

5 1-2 By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

3-5 There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

The other day I went for a long bike ride by myself. When I am out in nature alone I often talk to God and sometimes He speaks to me. On this day I was complaining about my life and how unfair it was. I sensed Him telling me two things. I feel like I need to share them.

1 - God is still good. 

For some reason we think that our lives should be easy and good. All the time. I don't know why we have this idea. It's not helpful and it's not true. The Bible specifically tells us that we will have troubles in life. We have no guarantee of good times in life. We are actually told that we will have troubles, but that we have Jesus to help us through them. (John 16:33)

I know that it is so much easier to get through the hard times by thinking this way. My baby died. I am sad and wish it didn't happen, but I am not questioning God and why He would do this to me. I am looking for what he wants me to learn and how I am going to help other people through the terrible circumstances that I am in. In my grief, I still have hope and I want to share that hope with others. 

2 - Salvation is enough.

Jesus died for us. That is enough. Everything else is extra. No matter what else happens to us in life, if we believe in Jesus we will get to live with him in heaven when we die. 

Romans 5:3 was in my head when I woke up this morning. I like the version I found from The Message that's at the beginning of this post. I want to be in "the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting praise".

Planting a Tree in the Snow

The doctors at my OB's office (there are six in the practice and I had to see them all) got us a tree for Nathaniel. They picked it out and the nursery was supposed to call us in the spring when it was time to plant it. One day in April I noticed that there were flags in our yard. Then I got a call from the nursery explaining that they had called to have the utilities flagged and that we needed to let them know where we wanted the tree planted.

Dave and I talked about it and decided that it would have to go in the backyard, but that we didn't want it to eventually shade the garden or be too close to the driveway so we decided to put it kind of close to the fence. I called them back and let them know that we had picked a spot for it. Nothing was said about when they were going to come plant it, but I told them that I was usually home so didn't think much of it.

A couple days later it snowed. I thought that meant we weren't going to get the tree planted. I was wrong. The next morning I got a call from the guy at the greenhouse. He said that the freak snow was the perfect time to plant a tree so he would send someone out that day to do it.

The guy showed up. Abby and I happened to be outside playing. He started digging and within 15 minutes he was gone and we had a beautiful new magnolia tree in our yard. It was even starting to flower.

One of the buds the day we got it.

Abby checking out Baby Brother's tree

It really flowered on Easter

A Quote About Grief

The Invisible Ones

Abby and I go to the library on Thursdays. Sometimes while we are there we see a group of special needs adults, often where we are in the preschool section. Today they were just getting there as we were leaving. One man looked at us. I smiled at him.

We went to the grocery store after the library as we do sometimes. When we got there a young man was hanging out outside. He appeared to be waiting for someone, maybe someone to pick him up. He was still there when we were leaving and I noticed that he was getting carts that were left in the parking lot and putting them back to get the quarter. I could have left my cart for him, but I didn't. I put it back. I thought about asking him if he needed anything. I probably should have said something but I didn't. It was late. We needed to get home to eat lunch. As I was walking back to my car I smiled at him and said hi.

Since Nathaniel died I have been very aware of the people around me. I want to make sure that everyone I know is ok. If they aren't, I want to help them. I may not be able to, but I desperately want to.

I am now more aware of the invisible people, the outcasts of society. We walk by them and look the other way. If we ignore them then maybe they won't ask us for something; money, acceptance, love. Maybe it's just too painful to us, the passerby, to acknowledge them.  Some days I have felt like an outcast myself. It seems that people avoid talking to me. They either don't know what to say or don't want me to be sad. It really doesn't matter. It still hurts.

Now I know that it is worse on the other side, being ignored or, even worse, avoided so that someone else doesn't feel bad, I don't want to do that to people anymore. I may not have anything to give them physically, but I can smile and say hi.

We Are Unusual

I know that how we have dealt with the loss of Nathaniel is not normal. It hasn't been normal from the beginning. We noticed this at the hospital. Everyone there noticed it too and quite a few of our doctors and nurses commented on it. We were sad, obviously. Our son had died, but we had hope and chose to see the little good things in the midst of our terrible circumstances.

God is always good. He was with us and we were going to be ok. We felt that God was going to use us and Nathaniel to tell people about Him. It was and is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

We invited everyone to the memorial service: nurses, doctors, friends, coworkers, family. When we were meeting with the funeral home they were surprised that we were going to even have a service. I think they didn't expect anyone to show up for the service of a baby that no one had ever met. But they did. We knew they would.

About 125 people showed up. Dave and I didn't even have a chance to talk to them all before the service started. The funeral home kept having to get more chairs to put in the chapel and when that was full they opened up an overflow area next to it.

So many people showed up to support us and they all heard that God loves them and that they can some day see Nathaniel in heaven.

Last weekend Dave and I went to the service of another little boy who died of SIDS at about three months old. He was born about two weeks before Nathaniel. His mom works with Dave and had come to the service for Nathaniel. Their service was so different from ours. It was a Catholic mass. It didn't seem terribly hope filled to me. And to me the biggest difference, there were probably only 30 people there, at least half of which were family.

Here was another boy who lived and died too soon. People had been able to meet him and know him, but they didn't come to the service to support the family. I had only met the mom once, at Nathaniel's service. I didn't remember her, but when Dave told me that her son had died there was no question about going to the service. We were going. We were going to support them and we will remember them in a month or two when all the cards stop and it feels like everyone has forgotten.

We didn't know him, but we will not forget him.

Hats and Blankets

There is a group at the hospital for the parents of babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, etc. The woman who is facilitating the group now had a daughter who was stillborn in February of 2010. For remembrance of Hannah's birthday she was collecting blankets to donate to the hospital for other families that go through what we have gone through. We were given blankets at the hospital for Nathaniel, but they weren't really for stillborn babies. They were supposed to be for sick kids, but that was what was available. There isn't much that is given to hospitals for full term, normal size infants. They are supposed to be going home.

Since I crochet, I decided that I was going to make some blankets to donate. It was something I was thinking about doing already, but now I had an easy way to donate them. I already had some little puppy hats made like we had brought to the hospital for Nathaniel. I made a blanket to coordinate with each of the hats. One for a girl, one for a boy, and a gender neutral one. I hope no one ever has to use these hats or blankets, but I realize that is probably not the case.

A Letter From Daddy

Dave told me I could share his letter to Nathaniel with you so here it is. I will also put it on the page with mine.

Dearest Nathaniel,

I was all ready to share with you two very important topics you would need to know. The first is a need for a savior. Nathaniel you are always going to be perfect. No sin in this life but being born, the condition is you are born into sin. But God so loved the world that He gave us a savior. You are there with Jesus now. Anything else I have to tell you about our savior you already know. When I sat down with you to explain more one evening I stopped. I realized you could actually tell me more  about Him than I could tell you about Him. The second thing I had to tell you is that mommy and daddy love you so very much. That is why this is so hard. I had so many things I was looking forward to teaching you. So many things to experience with you. I was also looking forward to so many things you would share with me. 

The other day Abby was talking about baby brother. When she said you were not coming home as we had told her before. I asked her if she remembered where you were. She said we left you at the dentist. I suppose if you're at the dentist you'd have some very clean, white teeth. Maybe you can help her brush her teeth. What she remembers is that mommy had a dentist appointment the day before you were born, and Abby went with. To her, you must have slipped out of mommy's tummy there and that is how we lost you.

Oh to be able to go pick you up from there or anywhere would be wonderful. But that is not our reality. You got to go to heaven before me. Heaven is a place I know I will one day experience. To know that you are there makes it even more special. That I can meet my savior, and see you there will be awesome. We can one day share in that and I treasure that notion.

To Abby, you were going to come out walking, and loving to play trains, and wanting to play with rubber duckies in the bathtub. To me, you were going to love our early mornings while mommy slept in. We'd talk about God, how to be nice to mommy and your sister, and what it means to grow up. 

Nathaniel, you will be remembered. You will always be a blessing. You will always be loved. I can close my eyes and see you in my arms. Perfectly formed, perfectly loved, and since your birth experiencing perfect love.


With love, 
your daddy

Breaking the Silence

26,000 babies are stillborn every year in the US. Until it happened to us I didn't know that it was so common. I thought that it was something that happened in the past to people, something that you read about in history, but didn't happen anymore. Having gone through it I now know just how normal baby loss is. It seems that everyone who hears our story tells us that they had a loss, or their mother/sister/cousin/friend lost a baby. It is not going to be a secret in our lives. We are going to talk about it.

There is a movie premiering on Lifetime this weekend called Return to Zero. It is the story of a couple that loses a child through stillbirth and how that changes their lives. I know it will be hard to see, but I plan on watching it on Saturday night.

Nathaniel's Legacy in Guatemala

A group from our church was going to Guatemala in the beginning of March. When I originally heard about the trip I wanted to go, but since I was pregnant and due at the beginning of February that wasn't going to happen.

We were thrown a baby shower for Nathaniel. People were very generous and gave us all kinds of stuff. We didn't really need anything since we had gotten gender neutral stuff for Abby so we ended up with lots of clothes and a few odds and ends of little things that we felt we should have new for the new baby. After Nathaniel died we didn't need any of that stuff.

One day at church the thought came to me that we could send stuff with the Guatemala team. They were going to be working with an orphanage there. I figured they could use baby stuff. I talked to the trip coordinator and she said that they would be able to use it and to bring it to church in the next few weeks.

I decided to go through the stuff we had for Nathaniel and figure out what we wanted to keep and what we should return. I was going to use the credit that we would get to buy seasonally appropriate clothes for the kids in Guatemala. I knew it was going to be hard to go through the stuff, but I wasn't attached to much of it. He had only worn two outfits at the hospital. Everything else wasn't really his. A lot was hand me downs from Abby or had been bought used and I didn't associate it with him. After going through everything I had a big pile to be returned and a large bag of clothes to donate to the trip.

One day Dave and I went out with Abby and returned everything in the return pile. Surprisingly, I didn't even cry. I thought it was going to be really hard, but it wasn't. It was actually kind of fun once the returning was done and I started shopping. The store happened to be having a clearance sale and there were racks and racks of clothes for $3 or less. We ended up getting 37 things, most which were outfits or multi-packs and 8 light blankets. Because of Nathaniel lots of kids were going to get new clothes.

I've heard a little from a few people that went on the trip about what happened to the clothes. We were told that they went to kids that live in a slum that probably only have a few things that are theirs. Those things likely came from the garbage dump where their parents work. They have probably never gotten anything brand new just for them in their life.

The team is speaking at church this next Sunday about the trip. I am excited to hear about it and how our son impacted the lives of kids in another part of the world.

Mother's Day is Just Like Every Other Day

Sunday was Mother's Day. It wasn't too bad. I was expecting to feel much worse. After church a good friend came up and gave me a hug and asked me how I was doing. I told him I was ok. He said that he knew today was hard for me. And then he said something like "every day is hard, isn't it?". I told him that it was. I'm glad that he acknowledged that not just the holidays are hard without your child. Every single day is a day without Nathaniel. Every day is hard.

I miss him.

I miss him when I wake up in the morning

I miss him when I go to sleep at night

I miss him when I am playing at the park with Abby

I miss him when I see babies at story time at the library

I miss him at church

I miss him when I do things all by myself

I miss him when we do fun things as a family

I miss him on the sixth of every month

I miss him when I talk about him to friends and family

I miss him when I don't talk about him to people I have just met

I miss him every time I walk past his room

I miss him when Abby takes things out of his room that she isn't supposed to have to play with

I miss him when I see pictures of babies

I miss him when I watch TV

I miss him when I look at the scar from my IV or c section

I miss him when I get something from the pantry and see his picture on the wall

I just miss him.

And I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.

Accidental Author

If you know me in real life you probably know that I wrote a book for Abby about her baby brother. You have most likely seen it if you have see us in person in the last month or two. What you might not know is that I don't think of myself as a writer. I do not like writing, but in the days after Nathaniel's death words poured out of me, mostly in the hours that I was awake I'm the middle of the night or too early in the morning.

On Saturday I went to a seminar at my library about successfully publishing books. At the beginning of the talk it was mentioned that writing a book is something that everyone wants to do at sometime in their life. Nope. Not me. Until three months ago I didn't want to write a book. Even then I didn't want to do it. I needed to. There was nothing out there to help us explain to our three year old daughter that the baby brother that she was so excited about, and was told was coming, was not coming home with us. The words came to me. I believe they came from God. I had to write them down and now I need for them to be out there for other little girls and boys who won't be getting to grow up with the sibling that they have been preparing for for months.

I am not ready yet to put the work into getting the book published for real. It's just too overwhelming. I have made one for Abby with our pictures to go along with the words. For now that's enough for me. Someday it will be published and available to other grieving families. I now know the steps I need to take for that to happen and when I am ready I can start on that journey.