Last Sunday we were out of town at the Stillbirth Summit. We considered not going to church, but the conference had been held at a church so we knew where one was and looked up the times and it would work for us leaving early enough to get back home at a reasonable hour. We decided to go.
We have not been to other churches very often lately. The last time was Christmas Eve. Our church wasn't having a service and I wanted to go to one so we did. It wasn't what we expected and it certainly wasn't our church. It made us realize how much we like our church. (That hasn't always been the case.)
I certainly wasn't prepared for what happened at the church we went to on Sunday. At the service we went to there was a baby dedication and a memorial service for an elderly man who had recently died. I had just spent the whole day before in that same room thinking about Nathaniel and death and grief. I wasn't expecting the same thing at church.
I had used all the kleenex in my purse and hadn't gotten more before the service started. I had thought about getting more, but I hadn't cried at church in a few weeks so I thought I would be ok. Nope. Not ok. When the baby dedication started and pictures came up on the screen I lost it. The baby being dedicated was a boy, probably about the same age as Nathaniel would have been. It was so hard to see the family standing on stage and the pictures that we will never have scrolling on the screen behind them. We should be that family. Instead we are going to conferences about stillbirth and grief.
I wasn't expecting the reaction I had to the baby that I didn't know. I have been ok seeing babies in my normal everyday life and pictures of babies online. Sometimes they make me a little sad, but nothing like this. I hope I don't have the same reaction when I see the new babies that should be coming soon that I will be seeing all the time.
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