Walk to Remember 2014

Yesterday was our hospital's annual Walk to Remember for all of the babies lost there. It was a good time to meet some other families that are walking the same road as we are since most of the time at our monthly grief group it is usually just us and one or two other people. There were about 10 to 15 families there, which was not as many as I expected.

Two of the nurses that were with me while I was in the hospital with Nathaniel were there too. It was good to catch up with them and share some of the information about stillbirth that we have found.

Abby's balloon for baby brother

We were able to write a message on a sign and a balloon to release. Then we went outside and took a little walk to the memorial garden that the hospital has set up. A poem written by one of the loss moms was read, we all were able to say the names of the babies we were there for, and then we released all the balloons.

After the balloon release we went back inside and ate lots of delicious food while a few people shared their stories with the whole group. For a lot of us our losses seemed to be fairly recent. One that shared had lost their son in June and another who was there lost their daughter in September. I'm sure it was good for them to be able to share their stories. We didn't speak to the whole group, but I think both Dave and I individually spoke to a few people each.

I'm glad I went. I'm sure we will be participating for many years to come. Hopefully we are able to share some hope with the group.

Writing messages to Nathaniel

We Are Unusual

I know that how we have dealt with the loss of Nathaniel is not normal. It hasn't been normal from the beginning. We noticed this at the hospital. Everyone there noticed it too and quite a few of our doctors and nurses commented on it. We were sad, obviously. Our son had died, but we had hope and chose to see the little good things in the midst of our terrible circumstances.

God is always good. He was with us and we were going to be ok. We felt that God was going to use us and Nathaniel to tell people about Him. It was and is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

We invited everyone to the memorial service: nurses, doctors, friends, coworkers, family. When we were meeting with the funeral home they were surprised that we were going to even have a service. I think they didn't expect anyone to show up for the service of a baby that no one had ever met. But they did. We knew they would.

About 125 people showed up. Dave and I didn't even have a chance to talk to them all before the service started. The funeral home kept having to get more chairs to put in the chapel and when that was full they opened up an overflow area next to it.

So many people showed up to support us and they all heard that God loves them and that they can some day see Nathaniel in heaven.

Last weekend Dave and I went to the service of another little boy who died of SIDS at about three months old. He was born about two weeks before Nathaniel. His mom works with Dave and had come to the service for Nathaniel. Their service was so different from ours. It was a Catholic mass. It didn't seem terribly hope filled to me. And to me the biggest difference, there were probably only 30 people there, at least half of which were family.

Here was another boy who lived and died too soon. People had been able to meet him and know him, but they didn't come to the service to support the family. I had only met the mom once, at Nathaniel's service. I didn't remember her, but when Dave told me that her son had died there was no question about going to the service. We were going. We were going to support them and we will remember them in a month or two when all the cards stop and it feels like everyone has forgotten.

We didn't know him, but we will not forget him.

A Letter From Daddy

Dave told me I could share his letter to Nathaniel with you so here it is. I will also put it on the page with mine.

Dearest Nathaniel,

I was all ready to share with you two very important topics you would need to know. The first is a need for a savior. Nathaniel you are always going to be perfect. No sin in this life but being born, the condition is you are born into sin. But God so loved the world that He gave us a savior. You are there with Jesus now. Anything else I have to tell you about our savior you already know. When I sat down with you to explain more one evening I stopped. I realized you could actually tell me more  about Him than I could tell you about Him. The second thing I had to tell you is that mommy and daddy love you so very much. That is why this is so hard. I had so many things I was looking forward to teaching you. So many things to experience with you. I was also looking forward to so many things you would share with me. 

The other day Abby was talking about baby brother. When she said you were not coming home as we had told her before. I asked her if she remembered where you were. She said we left you at the dentist. I suppose if you're at the dentist you'd have some very clean, white teeth. Maybe you can help her brush her teeth. What she remembers is that mommy had a dentist appointment the day before you were born, and Abby went with. To her, you must have slipped out of mommy's tummy there and that is how we lost you.

Oh to be able to go pick you up from there or anywhere would be wonderful. But that is not our reality. You got to go to heaven before me. Heaven is a place I know I will one day experience. To know that you are there makes it even more special. That I can meet my savior, and see you there will be awesome. We can one day share in that and I treasure that notion.

To Abby, you were going to come out walking, and loving to play trains, and wanting to play with rubber duckies in the bathtub. To me, you were going to love our early mornings while mommy slept in. We'd talk about God, how to be nice to mommy and your sister, and what it means to grow up. 

Nathaniel, you will be remembered. You will always be a blessing. You will always be loved. I can close my eyes and see you in my arms. Perfectly formed, perfectly loved, and since your birth experiencing perfect love.


With love, 
your daddy