Nathaniel Day 11 - Playing in the Snow, Buying Books, and a Tea Party

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10).

It snowed enough to play in a few days earlier so for Nathaniel Day I decided that we would go play in the snow somewhere for a while. It turned out that it was really cold that day, but not quite as cold as it had been the past few days (not below zero with windchill) so I asked Abby if she would want to go play in the snow. She was ok with the idea. 

So we got her skis and my snowshoes and lots of warm clothes and headed to a forest preserve not too far from our house that I knew had a playground not far from the parking lot. That was a good thing. We got all dressed in our warm clothes and headed down the path. Abby had lots of fun sliding down the snow covered slides and making snow angels. I think we were only there for about half an hour before she was done, but that was ok. We got to play in the snow and it was fun.

After the playground we headed to the store so that Abby could go pick out some books. We decided that we are going to donate board books to the library for Nathaniel's birthday and were each going to pick some out. Abby mostly just wanted to play with the toys, but I did eventually get her to decide on two books to get.

By this time I was getting really hungry. We headed back home and started preparing for a tea party. Abby and I made cherry muffins and train shaped sandwiches to go with our tea. 

By the time we ate it was about 3 pm. I was so hungry, but it was fun. Nathaniel bear even joined us for part of the tea party.

Dave got home from work, we ate dinner, and then Grandma came over to watch Abby (who had fallen asleep after the tea party and was still sleeping). Dave and I headed to a bookstore that he had found at Christmas time to pick out some books for us to give. We were there for a long time and each ended up getting a couple of fun books. 

On the way home we stopped and got ourselves some milk shakes before relieving Grandma. Abby was still sleeping when we got home (and ended up sleeping all night). I think we all had a fun day especially for it being so cold.

Passing Tests

This week I had a doctor's appointment. When I got there the receptionist handed me a form to fill out. I was late and was trying to get our coats off so I didn't look at it right away. It turned out to be a questionnaire to determine post-partum depression. I don't know why I was given the questionnaire. Usually it is given to mom's soon after they have given birth. It's been almost a year for me. It had been a hard week so I knew that my answers to questions about how I have been feeling over the past 7 days were not going to be positive. I quickly filled it out.

Here are the questions (The answers are a scale from always to never):

In the past 7 days:

1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things
2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things
3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong
4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason
5. I have felt scared or panicky for no very good reason
6. Things have been getting on top of me
7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping
8. I have felt sad or miserable
9. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying
10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me

Source: Cox, J.L., Holden, J.M., and Sagovsky, R. 1987. Detection of postnatal depression: Development of the 10-item Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. British Journal of Psychiatry 150:782-786 .

2Source: K. L. Wisner, B. L. Parry, C. M. Piontek, Postpartum Depression N Engl J Med vol. 347, No 3, July 18, 2002, 194-199

When the doctor came in she told me that I had almost failed. I scored a 9 out of 30. 10 is when they make you do something. She asked if anything was going on. I reminded her that it's been almost a year since Nathaniel died and told her that it's been hard for me lately with that milestone coming up. She was understanding and told me that under the circumstances that a 9 was actually pretty good.

I don't know why this screening tool is used on loss moms. It can't be accurate. Of course I am sad, but I am not depressed. I do not need medication. I am grieving.

Birthdays

I have been thinking a lot about birthdays lately. On Saturday, my friend Krystal just celebrated the first birthday of her twins Conner and Benjamin that she lost last year just a few weeks before we lost Nathaniel. I made these hats to donate to a NICU in memory of them. They were born at 22 weeks so I made the hats really really little. It was hard to find something small enough to model them.

Nathaniel's birthday is coming up in less than a month. We are starting to plan for his party now. We have a theme and two possible dates. I've been working on making decorations for the past couple of days. Now we need to decide on a date, make invitations, and figure out a guest list pretty soon. I want invitations to go out ASAP, preferably this week.

11 Months

Nathaniel,

Today it is 11 months without you. It  snowed over the weekend (and last night) so Abby and I were going to spend the day playing in the snow. It has been really cold so I don't know if we will now, but Abby wants to shovel the driveway, so I will probably let her soon and we can see if we will have fun outside for a while later. If not we might have a tea party inside the house where it is warmer. Those are the best options I can think of on a cold January day. Really I just want to stay home and do nothing today, but that is probably not a good idea. I've been a bit of a mess lately so I really need to do something fun.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Your birthday is coming up pretty soon. It's hard to believe that it has almost been a year since we saw you and held you. We are planning on having a party and donating books to the library in memory of you. We might pick some out today.

Mommy

Nathaniel's Christmas

Before Christmas I was concerned that Nathaniel was going to be forgotten this Christmas. He wasn't. At all. He got gifts from family and friends (ornaments and a figurine for us and a flock of ducks and books for others) and his name was included with the rest of the grandchildren in a bracelet for Grandma.

Thank you to everyone who gave us something in memory of him. It means so much to us that you remembered him.