Ready to Get to Work Again?

I think I need to get to work on getting the baby brother book published again. It's been months since I have done anything for it. I wrote my query letter back in May. I think it's really good, but I haven't done anything with it since having it proofread.

The next step is just so scary I think I'm procrastinating, but if I want it published, and I do, I have to send it out to agents or publishers. Otherwise how are they going to find out about it, read it, love it, and publish it so that it's out there for other families?

Maybe I need to give myself a deadline. I know it doesn't really mean anything, but maybe it will help me be motivated to work on it again. I just have to figure out what a reasonable amount of time would be.

Nathaniel Bear Coming Soon

I heard about Molly Bears soon after we lost Nathaniel. I think I first looked at the website in February when I was spending hours each day finding all the baby loss and memorial websites that are out there that I had never heard about.

Molly Bears is a non-profit organization started by a loss family a few years ago. They make weighted teddy bears for families that are the exact weight of their baby that died. They make them for babies at all gestational ages and then up to 2 years old. They only accept orders one day a month and it is a limited amount, usually about 125.

When I placed my order for our Nathaniel bear there was a long waiting list. I think I was told at the time that it would about a year and a half before we would get our bear. I thought it would be fun to have the bear for Nathaniel's birthday, but was thinking that realistically that might be his 2nd birthday.

Today I got an email from Molly Bears that they have gotten up to our number on the waiting list and our Nathaniel bear is going to be made this month. I nearly cried when I read the email. I was not expecting that at all. Not this soon. It's only been about 5 months.

I'm so excited to get our bear! Abby will probably try and steal him when he gets here. I told her today that he will be coming in the mail soon. I think we are going to be anxiously checking for packages for the next couple of weeks until he gets here.

Sick

Usually I bring back some sort of little memento of Nathaniel Day activities each month. This time we brought back strep. That's not really how I want to remember our trip. Dave and I both tested positive and are on antibiotics. Somehow Abby doesn't have it.

I haven't done much in days. I just want to sleep all the time. I'm so exhausted.

Nathaniel Day 6 - Turkey Run State Park

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here, here, here, and here.

We decided that since this was the 6 month anniversary that we would do something a little bigger this month for Nathaniel Day. We decided to go camping as a family. Dave suggested Turkey Run State Park in Indiana. I hadn't been there before so I looked it up. It looked like fun and there were sites available during the week so we reserved a site for 3 nights.

We decided to leave our house some time on Tuesday so that we would have all day Wednesday to do fun things and not spend hours driving in the car. We got there about dinner time and were able to set up our tent before it got dark.

Wednesday was a beautiful day. We had a relaxing morning around the campground and then went over to the State Park to explore the trails. We visited the nature center to figure out which trails we wanted to go on and then hiked for most of the afternoon. We all had fun. Abby did a great job hiking. She only rode in the backpack for an hour at most.

Thursday we went swimming and then drove to Indianapolis to meet a friend at the Indianapolis Children's Museum. It happened to be free night that day. We played with boats and construction equipment and climbed and slid down lots of slides. We got some dinner on the way back and went to bed as soon as we got back. We were all tired out from all the fun.

Friday we packed up the site and then went over to the park for a little bit. We explored the lodge, played some games, did part of a jigsaw puzzle, and then went for a little hike before we needed to head home. The trip back was mostly uneventful. About halfway back Abby was really tired and was crying for quite a while because she wanted to go home and take a rest in her bed. There was no consoling her. She did eventually fall asleep in the car, but it took a long time. We got home about dinner time. Abby was so excited to see that "her girls" were outside. She played outside for a long time while we made dinner and unloaded the car.

We are still trying to unpack and put stuff away. We're not really in a hurry, but our house is a little filled with camping gear at the moment.

This Time Last Year

I don't remember many of the dates for Nathaniel's pregnancy. I remember his due date. Everything else is a blur. I don't remember exactly when we knew for sure that we were pregnant. I just remember that it was at the end of May, a couple weeks before we went to visit my family in Alaska. I do remember the day that we told our families. It was August 10th. We were at a kite festival to celebrate Dave's dad's birthday. Had it not been partially done at a birthday party I probably wouldn't have remembered that. 

Today is Dave's dad's birthday. There is going to be a party at the kite festival again this year. His family remembered the significance of this day and we were told that we don't have to come if it's too hard. I appreciate that, but I think we'll be fine.

Bubbles for Colton

In the last 6 months I have met a lot of loss moms online. One I know had a stillborn boy last August, almost exactly 6 months before we lost Nathaniel. Today baby Colton would have been 1.

I see a lot of similarities between our families. We both have a living child who is about 4. We both lost our second child. Both were boys. Both were stillborn. We both have blogs. And we both have some pretty great faith.

His family is having people blow bubbles for him today and take pictures so we did. You can too. If you do, send them to me and I can pass them on to them. It would mean a lot.

Abby's Special Rock

During our camping trip this week Abby found a few rocks that she said were hearts. I thought of them as Nathaniel rocks. Dave told me he thought the same thing. We didn't tell her that though. She was having a hard enough time leaving them behind. She definitely wouldn't have left a baby brother rock behind. She didn't understand that we couldn't take things home from the park with us. 

She really liked this one we found when we were hiking on Nathaniel Day. I convinced her to leave it behind by telling her that I would take a picture of it so that she could remember her special heart rock. 

6 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

Happy half birthday! It's hard to believe that it has been six months now since you were born. Six months you have been in heaven while we are left behind here on earth. 

At first six months seemed like an eternity. How could we possibly make it six whole months without you? Somehow we have. Some days it has been really hard. Other days have been easier. But day by day we are figuring out what it means to live life without you here with us. We are trying really hard to spread hope and joy to others that are hurting. I think we are succeeding.

Abby talks about you all the time. She carries your picture around  and tells everyone she meets all about baby brother "Afanel". 

We all miss you so much and wish that we were with you. Someday we will be. It won't seem long to you. For us it will seem like forever.

Mommy

It's Back

I had terrible insomnia for weeks after Nathaniel died. I would wake up nearly every day in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep for hours. I would wake up and start thinking of things instantaneously. I couldn't stop the thoughts and go back to sleep. It was terrible. Eventually I was prescribed sleeping pills to help. After a week or so of those I was able to 8 hours of sleep again and slowly I stopped taking them.

I haven't had problems sleeping for a few months. Then in the last week or so I am back to waking up early, or in the middle of the night, with a head full of thoughts that I can't turn off. Yesterday I was pretty much up for the day at 3:30. Today was early too, but at least the sun was up.

I have a lot on my mind right now. I need to figure out a way to deal with it during the day so that it doesn't effect my sleep. I don't do well on little sleep.

It's Not July Anymore

The past couple of months have seemed to fly by. In my head it is still July, but at the same time I know that it isn't. I seems like we just celebrated Nathaniel day for July and now it's coming up again in a couple of days.

Since I've been thinking that it is July I haven't done much planning for our camping trip because it's not until August. The trip is this week. I still have to get food to eat and find all the camping stuff in the garage and figure out what to bring. I'm sure it will all get done, but if it is left up to me this time it might be done not very well and at the last minute. Good thing Dave is taking the day off the day we leave and can help get stuff ready to go and packed up or we will not be ready to go until the end of the day.

The Golden Rule

Lately I get a lot out of the sermons at church. There is always at least a little something that is said that speaks to me and I try to apply to my life. Today was no exception.

Today the sermon was on the golden rule (Matthew 7:12):
12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

It was explained that in the passage Jesus is not telling us to not do things to other people that we wouldn't want them to do to us; He is telling us to go out of our way to treat people the best way that we can. We should love, value, affirm, encourage, support, care for, forgive, listen to, talk to, respect, understand, etc. in the way we would want them to do to me. We are to go out of our way to help.

I have been striving to do this lately. In the past 6 months I have been much more aware of the pain and suffering of those around me and I've tried to help in any way that I can, even if it's just telling someone that I've been thinking of them. It's a little thing, but I know how much that has meant to me.

Signing Nathaniel's Name

We went to a friend's wedding today. Abby came too. At the reception the guest book was a book where you could write a note and make pictures using your thumbprints. Abby helped me make ours. We were making hearts and ended up with four. I was going to do one for each of us but Abby was having too much fun with the fingerprints. Then I decided that four was good since there really are four of us so I wrote our names under the hearts, Nathaniel included. That's the first time I have signed something and included him. I wasn't sure I was going to include him at first, but he is a part of our family. If he had lived he would have been at the wedding too.

I don't know what I'll do in the future. I'm sure I will include him somehow. I just don't know how yet.

A Loss is a Loss

There seems to be a hierarchy in the loss community. There are those that lost a child through an early miscarriage and then there are those that have lost a child after 20 some weeks. It seems to me that the two groups are not seen as equal. The miscarriages seem to be treated as lesser. I feel that is not right. All of them have lost a child or children. They are all hurting because of it. Losing a child is painful. A loss is a loss whether at 1 day, or 9 months, or 26 years.

For those who have had a miscarriage, people around them might not know what they are going through. They might not have told anyone about the pregnancy before the baby was gone. Their families may not even know. I would think that would be a very hard place to be. I, at least, know that nearly everyone around me knows about Nathaniel so if I am sad or can't handle a situation people might know why.

If you have lost a child, I am sorry. I might not understand exactly what you are going through, and you might not understand my situation, but ultimately we are the same. We are both a parent to a child who is not here with us. We don't need to compare our stories to know that we have both lost something that we can't get back. My situation is not better or worse than yours. We are both in pain.