No Shrines in Our House

Our house is small, less than 1000 square feet, with small rooms and small closets. In anticipation of Nathaniel's birth we had to do a lot of rearranging. It seemed like we moved everything in the whole house around. Abby was moved from her nursery to a big girl room in what was the office and craft room. Everything that was in there needed to find a new place to go. Now the bookshelf, desk, and computer are in the back room and everything that was stored in the closet is now spread all over the house in other closets. Craft stuff is in our room. Some boxes of old pictures and mementos that were supposed to go in scrapbooks and kid friendly art stuff is still in Abby's closet. Games and outgrown clothes and wrapping paper and stockpiled presents are in Nathaniel's closet.

His room is still his room, though he never lived there, but now it is where we put all the stuff that we got for him before and after he was born. The changing table is now piled with mementos from that hospital and cards and envelopes and books about grief. His crib is filled with Abby's clothes that are too small and need to be packaged up and put away in the garage. His shelf is stacked with little tubs filled with dried flowers from arrangements from his memorial service and empty baskets that we got at that time that had been filled with food or flowers. All the toys in his room that were within Abby's reach have been taken by her and are now added to the large collection in her bed. She also took the Bible that the hospital chaplain gave us, but I think I replaced that one back in his room.

His room is not off limits in our house. It can't be and I'm grateful for that. We sometimes go there if we want to be alone to read or write or watch something on the iPad. Right now Dave and Abby are in there having a great time making a ramp out of toilet paper tubes and cardboard and tape. It's nice to hear laughter coming from there. I just wish that it was the laughter of siblings playing together or a baby having a good time in his bed when he is supposed to be sleeping. That can still happen. I just have to wait. Waiting is hard especially when you are waiting on something that you should already have.

Part of the Family

Last night Dave and I were watching a movie. It was supposed to be entertaining and it was, but I didn't expect to get anything out of it. Certainly not something that I could relate with my life right now.

At the end of the movie there is a conversation between two people who have recently met. One is telling the other about her family. She talks about where she grew up and her house and then she starts talking about her siblings. She says that she has two brothers and that they had a baby sister but she died when she was born. It made me cry. That's how I want Abby to talk about Nathaniel when she grows up, as part of her family. She does it now. She tells people about baby brother all the time. Hopefully she will continue for the rest of her life.

Finding Nathaniel

In the first couple of weeks after Nathaniel died I was on the internet a lot. I would spend hours and hours reading blogs of others who had lost babies and articles about grief. Sometimes there would be a link to some organization about stillbirth or baby loss in general. That is how I found the Star Legacy Foundation, the organization that put together the Stillbirth Summit.

On their website there are stars in the background. Each of those stars has a name of a baby attached to it. I added Nathaniel's information then I found the information about the memorials that they were doing for the babies at the Summit so I filled out his information for a star to hang there and a balloon to be released at the end. At that time I had no intention of going, but they were going to acknowledge Nathaniel's life so I needed to do it. I put his name anywhere there was a place to put it. I needed to see his name written by someone other than me. There are not many chances for that when your baby is stillborn. So far we had his name on the death certificate (though we don't get a birth certificate) and one piece of mail from a donation in his name. That is all.

At the end of the Stillbirth Summit there was a balloon release for all the babies of those who were there and those who's names had been submitted online. There were hundreds of balloons. Those that had been submitted online had the names written on them by a volunteer. If you were there you could write on a balloon for yourself.

There he is!

I hadn't looked to see if Nathaniel's balloon had been made. I couldn't remember if I had filled out the form for one for him. It had been months since I had done that and I only remembered doing the star. After lunch Dave and I were going to make a balloon for him. We walked over to the lobby where the balloons were and there his was. We didn't have to search for it. For the second time that day I had found him without trying at all.

Dave about to release Nathaniel's balloon into the sky.

Hundred of balloons flying away.

Living With Fear

I think I have always been a fairly fearful person. In the past I have definitely avoided certain things because I was scared of them. I, in some ways, picked to major in science because I didn't have to take a speech class. I was terrified of speaking in front of people. I did end up having to give a big presentation in front of all of the other science majors. I hated it. It stressed me out the whole semester. I did the presentation and did terribly, I think I ended up with a C in that class, but I didn't care. It was done. I would never have to do that again.

I have since decided that I can't let fear control me. I can't live in constant fear of what might happen or I will never do anything. Bad things can and do happen, but we need to live life in spite of that fact. If I had let fear control me I wouldn't have done some amazing things. I wouldn't have flown to China by myself to visit friends. I wouldn't have gotten married. I wouldn't have had children.

In the past 4 1/2 months I have done so many things that were scary. At first everything was scary. If I had allowed fear to rule my life I would have never left the house. With Abby that was just not possible. She was not going to let me stay in the house all day every day so we went, first to story time at the library and then the park and then on field trips with "school". Soon it wasn't hard any more. Now we are out of the house all the time.

Everything is scary now. I am irrationally afraid of everything. I conquer fear every day when I let Abby do things alone. I can't be afraid that Abby is going to get kidnapped or hurt any time that she is out of my sight. I have to let her have some freedom to explore and be by herself. If I didn't I would never get to exercise or shower since she doesn't nap anymore.

Last week I drove with Dave to Minnesota. Parts of the drive were scary. I thought we were going to crash and die so many times. We weren't. Dave was driving carefully. I finally realized that I just needed to close my eyes and trust that we were going to be fine. I did and I calmed down. With my eyes closed I couldn't see how close the cars in front of us were. I couldn't see the unnecessary braking and the pouring rain.

Yesterday I did two scary things. Abby and I went to the pool and Grandma and my nephew met us there. He is old enough to go down the big slides. He went once with Grandma and then he convinced me to go down the tube slide with him. I don't know why I said I would. I really didn't want to. I knew it would be scary. But he wanted to so I did. We walked up the steps to the top of the slide. I really didn't want to go down. If I had been by myself I probably would have turned around and gone back down. I didn't. I got in the tube and the attendant pushed us down. It was terrifying. It went way too fast, but I made it. When we got off my hands were shaking and they didn't stop for a few minutes. I don't think I will be doing that again any time soon.

The second thing was that I, without too much hesitation, told a very pregnant woman about Nathaniel. We were sitting on the edge of the pool talking while our kids were playing. I don't think I freaked her out too much. She did ask what had happened and if it was possible to happen to her and if there were tests to take. I think it was a good conversation. It's probably a conversation that more people should have. It shouldn't be assumed that after a certain amount of time a live baby is a certainty. I should probably told her the importance of kick counting, but I didn't and then the conversation went somewhere else.

The Secret Club

I am part of a club. An exclusive club. One that no one knows about until they have to join it.

This club is wonderful, but no one really wants to be a part of it and we really never want it to get any bigger. We like everyone too much to want them in our club. We would not wish what we have gone through, the death of a baby or babies, on our worst enemies.

I have met so many wonderful women through the loss community. Most I met online and have not met in person, but we have an instant connection. We understand where the others are and what they are feeling when most of those around us don't.

I noticed this at the Stillbirth Summit. Usually talking to new people is really hard for me. There it wasn't. Everyone there had a similar story. We could talk about our babies without feeling judged or trying to hold back the tears.

When we first got to the conference there were two sessions going on at the same time. Dave went to one, I went to the other. The woman I sat next to needed something hard to write on and I had Abby's book in my purse so I gave it to her to use. After we were done with the session she gave it back to me and asked about it. I told her how I had written it for Abby and she told me that she had a 6 year old and had just lost her second child last year. We talked about how hard it is to be a parent to our other children when you are grieving and how hard it is to have to tell them over and over again that their baby brother or sister is not ever coming home. I felt like we were instant friends though we might never see each other again. I felt this way with every single person that I met while we were there.

I'm Glad I Don't Have a Job

I am glad that I don't have a job outside the home right now. I'm a stay at home mom to Abby and have been since she was born. I don't have to deal with corporate policies and different kinds of leave this time. If I had lost my first child I don't know what I would have done. I can't imagine having to be back at work right away. I assume I would have still gotten maternity leave, though I had no baby at home, but I really don't know since I haven't had to live through that.

At the Stillbirth Summit bereavement leave in the United States was brought up and the fact that FMLA leave can't be used if you have a child that dies. People at the conference are trying to change that. There is legislation being worked on right now to include stillbirth and the death of a child under FMLA. You can sign a petition here.

According to the government a child that is stillborn doesn't exist. They are not included in statistics about infant deaths. You don't get a birth certificate or a social security number. You don't qualify for FMLA. You don't get to claim them on your taxes for that year. You can not add them to your health insurance so any medical bills you get for them you will have to pay yourself. Their birth is not a qualifying event for changing your health benefits.

I didn't know any of these things before Nathaniel. Now we know some of them firsthand and some through the experiences of other loss parents. Things need to change. Our babies existed. They were born. That needs to be recognized. You should not have to fight for the acknowledgement that the full term baby that you gave birth to and held in your arms existed.

A Star For Nathaniel

At the Stillbirth Summit there were stars hanging from the ceiling in the lobby. Each one was submitted by someone around the world who had lost a baby. There were hundreds and hundreds. I had submitted Nathaniel's name a long time ago so I knew his star was there somewhere. I didn't get a chance to look for it when we got there in the morning. The conference had already started. Then at a break Dave was standing at the edge of the stars. I went over to him, looked up, and there it was. It was quite a ways above my head and moved around a lot so it was hard to take a picture, but eventually I got a good, clear one.

More stars in the lobby, hiding in the corner.

After the conference was done another couple was looking for their daughter's star. They were looking for a long time and couldn't find it. Dave and I decided to help them look. We looked all over. After a while I looked way up high and I found it! I'm glad that I was able to help. I think they would have searched until they found it even if that took hours.

Up With the Sun

I just realized that yesterday was the first time that i let myself grieve for Nathaniel all day long. I didn't have to worry about Abby or what to eat or what i was doing. I'm glad. I think it was good for me. It was nice to be able to think about him all day long. I cried more yesterday than in a long time. I will probably be more emotional than I have been in a while for the next couple of days. I might not sleep well again, but that's ok.

I saw the sun rise this morning. I not a morning person, but since February I have seen the sun come up many many times. It has been a while since I woke up that early though. Yesterday gave me a lot to think about.

Every time I am up before the sun I think about Nathaniel. I think that if he had lived I might be up feeding him. I probably wouldn't have today. Dave would have probably been the one up with him. With Abby, I was the one who stayed up late, Dave took the early morning shift. He is an early person. I am not. It worked well last time. We probably would have done the same thing with Nathaniel.

Writing Through Tears

Today at the Stillbirth Summit there was a writing workshop. We read a poem and then everyone chose a line and started free writing from that line. It was interesting to hear what other people wrote. I didn't share mine then. I didn't think I would be able to get through reading it. (Tears were dripping off my face while I was writing it as they often are when I write.)

I thought I would share it here. Maybe it will be helpful to someone else. So here it is.

You are mine. You will always be mine. I will never forget you. I won't let others forget you either. You will live on through me and our family and the things that we do for others and the words that I write for others to read. You will have a legacy. A great legacy.

We had you for a short time, but I will see you again. I will live with you forever. I can't wait for the day when I get to meet you for real. I get to see your eyes and hear your voice.

What will I say to you? I will tell you how much you were loved and how you were missed every day for the rest of our lives. I will tell you about your family and all the other people who loved you so much though none got to meet you. 

I will have an eternity to make up for the lifetime that I missed with you here on earth.

Getting Struck By Lightning

We had a consultation with a MFM (maternal-fetal medicine) doctor the other day. My Ob had recommended that we go see one before getting pregnant again just In case there was something that we should do or some tests that should be done. I really didn't want to do it. I didn't have any questions, but she wanted me to so I called and made an appointment.

I was really nervous the day of the appointment. I didn't want to go at all.

We didn't really learn anything at this appointment. The MFM said that Nathaniel died because of a maternal-fetal hemorrhage. We already knew that. She told us that it was very rare, like being struck by lightning, and the chances of it happening to us again were very very small. All this we had been told before.

She had no problem with the timeline that my normal Ob had given us. That was reassuring. I thought that she might tell us we needed to wait longer.

Dave was concerned that since I had so much of Nathaniel's blood in my body that my blood had changed composition and that could cause it to attack a future baby so I had a blood test done while we were there. The test came back negative.

That's one less thing that I wouldn't have thought to worry about before that I won't need to worry about now. I'm sure I will find hundreds of other things to worry about though. I'm sure when we do get pregnant again I will be a mess the entire time. I am not looking forward to that. I didn't particularly like being pregnant the first two times. Now I get to add stress and anxiety. Fun.

Happy Birthday to Me?

It seems that Abby can sense when I'm having a bad day. The days I am extra sad or emotional tend to be when she is extra whiny and doesn't listen at all. Today is one of those days. She was fine this morning until we needed to leave the library to come home and eat lunch. I had to physically remove her from the building and then she wouldn't get in her seat in the car.

After lunch I couldn't stand the whining and crying any more so I told her that she needed to take a rest for a while and that if she listened we would go to the park later. (It's cold and overcast so the pool is not an option.)

I got a little break while she was resting and then we hooked up the trailer to the bike and rode to a park near us. Now I am going to lay on the grass and relax while Abby plays in the sand. She'll have fun and wear herself out. We don't have to worry about when we get home. Dave is making dinner tonight since it's my birthday.

My day is getting better.

An Addition to the Garden

For Father's Day Grandma helped Abby decorate some rocks. There was one for each one of us and one that said family. I suggested we put them under Nathaniel's tree so that they wouldn't be sitting around the house. I think they look very nice there.

Firsts Are Hard

There have been quite a few firsts for us this year without Nathaniel. None of them are new to us. They are all things that we have celebrated before, but this year they are hard days. The days we have to try to get through. The days we miss him the most. The first Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, and now Father's Day.

My birthday is next week. It will be the first birthday that we have celebrated as a family since February. I am dreading it. I don't want to do anything. I really don't want to celebrate. I'm thinking it is going to be harder than any other day so far this year. I should plan something fun, but we have so many other things going on next week that I think trying to plan something will just stress me out.

The morning is already planned. There is story time at the library. We always go to that. If it's a nice day Abby and I will probably go to the pool in the afternoon. She's been actually playing in the water a lot more this year. That could be distracting and fun. If it rains I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I will pack for our trip the next day. We are only going to be gone for two days so that shouldn't take too long.

I think I'll be praying for sunshine for Thursday.

So Many Families Missing Babies

The other day we got a newsletter from our grief group at the hospital. It was the first one we have gotten so I didn't know what to expect. It was surprisingly thick because in it there was a list of all the families that are part of the group and the names of the babies that they lost. I counted all of them and there were 190 babies listed. I was surprised that there were so many. I have only seen two other people at the group when we have gone.

So many babies lost. So many families hurting and that is just from one hospital. Nathaniel was the only one listed from this year. I hope that no more names will ever be added to the list, but I know that is not realistic. There will be more. Probably this year.

Changes in Me

Losing a child changes you. I have always been an anxious person. I worry about new situations. I don't like talking to new people. I hate confrontation. In the past I was the quiet one. Unless I knew you for a long time, multiple years, I was going to feel uncomfortable talking to you so I probably wouldn't have.  I certainly wouldn't initiate a conversation.

Since losing Nathaniel this has changed a little. New things still make me uncomfortable, but I do them anyway because I need to. I still don't like talking to new people, but I'll do it. I have initiated conversations with strangers if I felt I could help them.

Yesterday at the pool there was a gang of big kids who were terrorizing the sand area. They were chasing each other with buckets of sand or water and throwing them. This went on for quite a while. No one was watching them. I was sitting next to the only other mom who was actually there with her child. We talked about how no one was watching what the kids were doing and how we might have to say something before someone got hurt. I certainly didn't think that it was going to be me.

The chasing and throwing kept going on. If anything it was getting worse. Now there were new people in the sand area with babies. They almost had sand thrown on them so I got up and said something to the boy who was doing the chasing at the time. He didn't like that I reprimanded him. He yelled something about it being America. Yes, kid it is, but that doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. It's still not ok to hurt people.

I sat down. I was shaken. I was in physical pain for a few minutes. This has happened a few other times lately. I am stressed and my back starts to hurt really badly.

This happened yesterday afternoon. I thought about it for the rest of the day. I'm still thinking about it today. I'm glad it's cold today so we can't go to the pool. If we went today I would be anxious the whole time that we are there.

Nathaniel Day 4 - Museum and Food

Nathaniel Day 4 came quickly for me. May was busy with the start of this blog and my parents visiting so June was here before I knew it.

I had a hard time coming up with something to do for Nathaniel Day this month. It needed to be fun for me and not something that we can do all the time like go to the pool. We had gone to the train museum with Grandma and Grandpa while they were here so that was out. This month I also was thinking I might want to volunteer somewhere, but Abby's not old enough to do that most places. I decided to try to do both. June 6th fell on a Friday so Dave could participate in the evening and we didn't need to get home at any particular time. We just needed a place to volunteer and a babysitter.

On Wednesday I still didn't have a plan. I happened to look on the website for Feed My Starving Children and they had 14 spots to fill for Friday night. We called Dave's mom. She could babysit. We decided to all go to dinner beforehand. Evening activities planned.

I decided to check and see what museum passes were available at the library on Thursday. That way Abby and I could do something fun for possibly free. The Lake County Discovery Museum pass was available and we hadn't been there for a long time so I got that. Daytime activities planned.

Eating lunch with the mastodon
outside the museum

Friday was a beautiful day so I decided to bring a picnic lunch with us to the museum. It is at a forest preserve so I figured we could find a picnic table and maybe play a little before going into the museum. It's not a very big museum. It was not going to take all day to look at even if we read every sign there.

Abby's favorite picture

We had fun at the museum. I think we were the only people there for a while. There was a kid's play room that we hadn't been in before. Abby had fun playing with buffalo on the prairie and building bird's nests. Some of the time she was in there I was able to look at the photography exhibit that was right outside.

Playing with the buffalo

Building a nest

After we looked at everything in the museum we decided to see if we could find a playground to play at for a while. We found some baby swings. From there we could see the big trucks working on the road. We watched the trucks digging for a long time. Then it was time to go home so that we could go to dinner with Grandma.

Highlight of the day for Abby. Watching the construction
across the street.

We met Grandma for dinner at Red Robin and then Dave and I left them at our house. We had a great time packing meals for about an hour. There was a fairly small group of 75 people there that night. Together we packed enough food to feed 45 kids in Haiti for a year. I will definitely keep it in mind for another Nathaniel Day activity. I can do it any time as long as I can find someone to watch Abby for a couple hours. That shouldn't be a problem. We have a long list of people who would love to play with her for an afternoon.

I had fun with Abby. I helped feed kids. I hardly even cried. Nathaniel Day was a success once again. I already have the next one planned. It's on a weekend so Dave can join us all day for the fun.

Look What I Got

My sister unexpectedly sent me a Nathaniel necklace in the mail. I cried when I opened the package and saw what it was.

It says "God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart" and the bar has his name on it.

It's perfect. I love it!

Conversations with Strangers

Saturday we rode the train to Chicago to go to the Art Institute. It was family day. There were lots of free activities for kids in the family section of the museum and quite a few kids around. While we were in one of the rooms playing a family came in with a girl about Abby's age and a baby. Abby was enthralled with the baby. She stopped what she was doing, went right over and started playing with her. The mom was holding the baby and started talking to Abby. She asked Abby if she had any sisters. Abby told her that she had a baby brother and that he didn't get to come home. Of course the woman didn't understand so she asked her where her brother was. Abby told her that we left him at the doctor.

Dave and I were sitting a few feet away and had overheard the conversation. We figured that it was going to go on for a while and was confusing to the woman so Dave told her that we had recently had a stillbirth. We had just told the volunteer in the room a few minutes before when she asked us if Abby had any siblings. I'm glad Dave was with me this time and he could be the one to have the awkward conversation with a stranger.

We're Going

The trip to Minneapolis is happening. Tickets to the Summit have been purchased. Hotel reservations have been made. Grandma offered to have Abby stay with them while we are gone.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited to meet people who understand. Scared because it's something new. New is always scary for me.

Nathaniel Day 3 - Brookfield Zoo

We had a fun day yesterday celebrating Nathaniel Day 4. I will write about it soon. First I need to catch up.

If you missed some and would like to catch up:
Why we celebrate Nathaniel Day
Nathaniel Day 2

May 6th was supposed to be a nice day so we decided to go to the zoo. Grandma was able to come with us. Abby and Grandma and I had a lot of fun. The day was beautiful. We saw most of the zoo. Had a picnic while Abby played on the playground. We even saw some magnolia trees in bloom which reminded me of Nathaniel. There were also a lot of baby animals. They were fun to see.

Watching giraffes

Baby Nora

Abby really liked the polar bear. He swam right up to her.

Pretty tulips

Magnolia tree

Family of geese we found by the playground

4 Months

Happy 4 month birthday in heaven Nathaniel. It's a beautiful, sunny day. Mommy and Daddy and Abby are going to try to have lots of fun today in remembrance of you.

We miss you everyday.

Next Time Will Be Different

With both of our pregnancies we have waited to tell people for quite a while. With Abby we didn't find out until 8 weeks. We told our families almost right away and friends after we reached the "safe zone" of 13 weeks.

Last summer Dave's brother was getting married. We were also going to Alaska to visit my family. We had just found out for sure that we were pregnant with Nathaniel about a week before we went on vacation, but didn't want to tell anyone until we had the first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat. The appointment was a week after we got back. The wedding was the next week. We decided to wait until after the wedding to tell people so that we didn't steal the attention from the couple at the wedding. We didn't want to tell my family before we had told anyone else so it was a secret for quite a while.

It was hard to keep it secret. I was sick a lot. There were a lot of things that I just couldn't do on vacation. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I did do quite a bit. We went bike riding and hiking with my sisters. I just had to do it a lot slower than I would have liked.

If we get pregnant again we will be telling people right away. Before I didn't want to tell people and then have to untell them if I miscarried so I waited until it was "safe". I now know that there is no time that is safe. For me it is better for people to know. I need to be able to have people around me who know what is going on and are there for me.

Thinking of Going on a Trip

A month or so after Nathaniel was born I was clicking through baby loss websites and came across the Star Legacy Foundation, a non-profit organization working on stillbirth awareness and research. They are having a conference for medical professionals, counselors, and families in a few weeks in Minneapolis. I didn't think of signing up. I don't like going to things like that. They are scary with all the new people and unknown situations. I get anxious just thinking about it.

I was looking at the agenda for the last day of the conference today. A lot of it is for families. I think it could be really helpful. It might be good to meet some other families too. Scary, but good.

Maybe I'll go. Maybe the whole family will.

Everything is Too Easy Sometimes

It might sound strange, but sometimes I think that my life is too easy right now. Usually the thought comes to me when I am somewhere fun with Abby, like the children's museum or the pool. I should be the mom juggling nursing her baby while making sure the preschooler doesn't dart off somewhere, but I'm not. I can play with her or just sit on a bench and watch her play with the other kids. So sometimes I sit and watch, thinking about what I thought life was going to be like and it makes me sad.

Other days I'm grateful for the easiness. I'm a little sick right now. With a baby I would not be getting as much sleep at night and I would have many more things to do during the day. Abby can be self sufficient most of the time. She knows how to turn on the TV and where her yogurts are in the refrigerator so if I need extra sleep I can have it. She will be fine. She will come get me if she needs something and then I can go back to sleep.

I can exercise. Every day if I want to. I know this is not something everyone can do. I'm grateful for it. It's helping me from feeling crazy. I can do an exercise video at home while Abby is "napping" or I can go for a 23 mile bike ride by myself and not have to worry about needing to be home at a certain time to feed a baby.

I can spend hours writing and connecting with people online. Maybe I would be able to do that with a baby maybe not.

I'm choosing to see the positives, but it's hard. It helps a little. Sometimes.

A Visit Should Be Fun

I have been sad and moody for the last couple of days. Today I realized why. My parents are here. This trip has been planned since last year sometime. It is the only thing that we had on our calendar for after Nathaniel was supposed to be here. It was when my parents were supposed to meet their grandson. Instead they met him in February at his memorial service.

We have been having fun and doing fun things over the last couple of days, but we should be having fun with an almost four month old along with us. We could have done the exact same things that we have done over the last couple of days with an infant. We could have gone to the train museum and stayed with them at the campground and gone to the beach and for hikes and out to dinner and to high tea. I know because I have seen them at every one of the places we have gone.

I thought I was doing so well for the last couple of weeks. Not anymore. Friday it will be 4 months that he has been gone. I have not planned what to do that day yet. I need to do something. I just don't know what. It needs to be special and it needs to be fun for me. I was thinking of volunteering somewhere, but that would have required me to make a phone call and I just couldn't. Maybe I will. I have a few more days.