Help Us Feed Starving Children

For the past two years our family, as part of Nathaniel's birthday celebration, has volunteered for the organization Feed My Starving Children along with some friends and extended family members each year. We will be volunteering to pack food again this year for his 4th birthday.

This year I decided to create a fundraising page so that our friends and out of town family that can not participate physically packing food with us can participate by donating money to get the packed food to starving kids around the world.

If you would like to donate you can do so here at https://give.fmsc.org/nathanielslegacy.

October 15th

Today (October 15th) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This year it was also the day of our local hospital's annual Walk to Remember. We walked and released balloons to remember Nathaniel and all the other babies who died too soon. Then tonight Dave and the girls lit a candle for the international wave of light to remember all the babies and children who have died.

Nathaniel Day 24 - Birthday Packing Party

We decided for Nathaniel's birthday party this year to volunteer with our family at Feed My Starving Children. We spent the afternoon packing meals to send to starving kids around the world. Grandmas and Grandpa and Dave's sister and brother in law and their kids were able to join us for the afternoon. I signed us up as a birthday party so there was even a sign saying happy birthday to Nathaniel. It was a little awkward when they were looking for the birthday people and we said Nathaniel wasn't there. We got there late so didn't have a chance to tell anyone beforehand. But if we had talked to someone about the situation maybe they wouldn't have announced his name.

I think everyone enjoyed the packing. Abby did all the jobs. She scooped and weighed and labeled and helped box. She was one tired girl after the session was done. 

I have no idea how much our little group of me, Dave, and 5 kids packed. We weren't very good about keeping track of how many boxes we did. The whole big group ended up packing 125 boxes which would be enough to feed 74 kids for a year.

After the session we bought Nathaniel a bird and a giraffe at the FMSC shop to decorate his grave. We have been meaning to get him some new decorations, but hadn't found anything we liked yet. This way we got something fun and provided 140 meals for starving kids.

After the packing we picked up some mexican food. Most of us went over to Grandma's house for some dinner and birthday cake. It turned out to be a really fun day.

Nathaniel Bear on Vacation

Last month we went to visit my family in Alaska. Since they live so far away the last time we saw some of them was when they came down for Nathaniel's funeral. None of them had seen Nathaniel bear so we decided to bring him along. I didn't want him to get lost so he came along in our carry-on suitcase with Felicity's diapers and our extra clothes.

While we were there a lot of people got to see him. We left him out in the living room at my parent's house the whole time that we were there. A couple people came over and my mom would show him off and make them hold him so they could feel how heavy he is. Often I would see my niece with him when she was over, holding him or hugging him. We also brought him to church with us on Sunday and to a picnic that afternoon so we got to share him with many people that I have known most of my life.

We took a family picture one day while we were there. Nathaniel bear was in it too. He was also in the grandkids picture and the extended family picture. I'm sure those pictures will be up in everyone's homes for a long time. It's not often that we are all together.

I'm glad that we brought him along on our trip even though we didn't do much with him while we were gone. It gave us a chance to talk about Nathaniel with people we wouldn't have otherwise like the TSA agent at the Anchorage airport. We don't have much chance to do that anymore. 

Nathaniel Day 15 - A Walk With New Friends

Abby strolling puppy back to the car

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14).

I am part of an online group of moms who had babies born in February 14. Recently one of them posted about an organization that has hikes for moms (and/or other adults) and kids. I looked it up and there was a branch in Racine, WI. That's not too far from me. It sounded like a fun thing to try out and they were having a hike on May 6th. It was at a park with a paved path so I would be able to have the stroller and it was in the afternoon so there was a chance that we could make it there on time.

It was a beautiful day. We had fun on the walk. We got exercise,  met new friends, and explored a new place. There was a boy who was 4. He and Abby had a great time together at the playground where we stopped at end of the walk. Abby did great. She walked the whole way.

We have since gone on another hike with some of the same people and we are planning on going again for our next Nathaniel Day activity. Since it's a Saturday Dave will be able to come with us that time. 

Nathaniel's 1st Birthday Party

This month has gone by quickly. I just realized that it is going to be March in a couple of days and I haven't posted about the big birthday party yet. So here you go. Sorry for the long wait.

Thank you to everyone who came to the party and celebrated with us, and to those who supported us from far away with messages and donations. We appreciate all of you.

Nathaniel's party had a hot air balloon theme. We invited about 100 people and about 40 showed up on Sunday afternoon for the party. We all had a lot of fun.

We colored balloon pictures, played pin the kid on the balloon, and had a piñata (which got broken accidentally right before we were going to do it, but was luckily able to be fixed with lots of tape). We had snacks, sang happy birthday (Abby blew out the candle on the cake), and had cake and cupcakes.



There was so much food left over. We still have a couple pieces of cake in our refrigerator now and that is after Dave brought a bunch to work a couple of times and we gave some to friends.

People brought books for us to donate to our local library. We also got some donations of books and money from family and friends that were not able to make it to the party.

Abby had fun unwrapping all of the books. Then she would make us read each one to her three times.







We were also given a few other gifts for Nathaniel's birthday. My sister and her family gave us this angel and child figurine. (We got a similar one for Christmas from my other sister.)

My friend Krystal and her family had some trees planted in a National Forest in Michigan for him.









I brought 42 books over to the library last week along with some cash donations. We have since gotten a few more books so are up to 44 now. The librarians were very excited to get all the new board books. And somehow we only got two duplicates.

After they are processed each one will have a book plate in it that says that they were donated in memory of Nathaniel. I'm excited to possibly be able to check out books for baby sister that were donated for Nathaniel.

Another Funeral

I have been to more funerals this year than in the whole rest of my life put together. Tomorrow there is another one, but since it is Nathaniel's birthday and I already had plans to go see a play with Abby I am probably not going. I expect to be a mess tomorrow anyway. Going to a funeral would probably not be the best of ideas.

I am planning on going to the wake tonight though. It is for the father of one of my good friends from college. I think I maybe met him once, but I know the rest of his immediate family a bit and want to be there for them.

Saying Goodbye to New Friends

Dave and I have been going to a weekly GriefShare group at a local church since September. Last night was unexpectedly the last session (originally scheduled to end, skipped a week, were going to meet one more time next week). We didn't know that it was going to be the last week until after we got there. I actually went by myself last night. Usually Dave's mom is able to babysit, but she couldn't yesterday. If we had known that it was the last week we would have tried to find someone else. (That was going to be the case next week.) He really wanted to be there for the last week.

It seemed everyone was a little thrown off by it being the last time we were going to meet. We all seemed extra emotional. Even the leader cried at the end. She said she never does that. We had talked a few weeks ago about all getting together in January some time. I hope that actually happens. I'm going to miss seeing all my new friends every Monday. They will all definitely be on the invite list for any birthday celebration we have for Nathaniel in February. They would probably come too.

An Unexpectedly Good Day

I was thinking on the way home from grief group tonight that today was a really good day. It wouldn't appear that way to many people. My day started with going to a funeral and ended going to a grief group. But it really was a good day.

At the funeral in the morning I got to be with some of my good friends to support them on a really hard day. I was reminded of Nathaniel and cried a lot through the morning, but that's ok. I was there. I understand how important just showing up is.

In the afternoon we went apple picking as a family for Nathaniel Day and had a lot of fun. Grandma was able to come with us too. We had a fun time outside on a beautiful fall day.

Then to end the day I went to grief group. There I was able to share a lot about Nathaniel. I had brought my book and by the end of the night nearly everyone had read it. I got so many hugs and was able to tell people about all the things we are doing because of Nathaniel and the legacy that he has already.

Meeting Friends

It's been an emotional couple of days for me and I didn't know why right away. I think I figured it out.

We have good friends that live out of the country and have for almost 10 years. I visited them once, not long after they moved, but it's expensive and a very long trip so whenever they are in the country we try to go see them. A 6 hour drive is much more doable than a 30 hour plane trip for us right now. The last time we saw them I was pregnant with Abby. They are here now for a couple of weeks. We were able to make a quick trip to see them this weekend. I don't know if we would have made this trip with a infant. Maybe we wouldn't have been able to see them this time. Who knows.

So today our friends met Abby in person for the first time. They should have met both of our kids. They should have also met Nathaniel and not by reading his story and looking at all his pictures. Times like this remind me all over of what should have been and it makes me sad.

Signing Nathaniel's Name

We went to a friend's wedding today. Abby came too. At the reception the guest book was a book where you could write a note and make pictures using your thumbprints. Abby helped me make ours. We were making hearts and ended up with four. I was going to do one for each of us but Abby was having too much fun with the fingerprints. Then I decided that four was good since there really are four of us so I wrote our names under the hearts, Nathaniel included. That's the first time I have signed something and included him. I wasn't sure I was going to include him at first, but he is a part of our family. If he had lived he would have been at the wedding too.

I don't know what I'll do in the future. I'm sure I will include him somehow. I just don't know how yet.

Busy Week

Next Wednesday will be 6 months since Nathaniel died. It's come up on us quickly. We have big plans to go camping as a family for a few days. I'm sure that will be fun. Up until we leave may be a little stressful though. I still have to figure out if there is anything else that we want to do while we are there, make plans with friends in the area, wash clothes so that we have something to wear, plan what we are going to eat and go grocery shopping, and take my car in to get the brakes checked so I'm not scared to drive it for a road trip. On top of that we are going to a wedding this weekend and babysitting for a friend tonight.

It certainly doesn't help that I can't seem to make myself go to bed at night lately. I have stayed up until about midnight all week and then woken up before 7 most days for no reason (or because Abby wakes me up for some pressing need while Dave is in the shower). I'm tired all afternoon and then when it's a decent time go to bed I'm not tired any more. I really need to break that cycle.

Talking About Nathaniel

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. After a while we ended up talking about Nathaniel. I could tell she wanted to talk about him, but it took a long time for her to bring the subject up. I light of that, for those who are wondering if i want to talk about Nathaniel, i do.  I will always want to talk about him. He's my son. He's part of my life.

It's not going to make me sad. I might cry, but that happens all the time now. Don't feel bad about it. You are not reminding me that my son died. I didn't forget. I will never forget. I think about him all the time. Every day. It actually makes me happy to know that other people think about him too. It helps me think that he won't be forgotten.

I may seem happy and talking about him is not going to interrupt that happiness. I'm choosing to be positive and thank God for the blessings He has given through Nathaniel's life.