14 Months

The births of my second and third children are exactly 14 months apart. There are so many similarities between the two days, but also so many drastic differences.

On February 6, 2014 we were unexpectedly sent to the hospital to have a baby. It was a boy. I was very done with the pregnancy and due in three days. I was excited as I walked into the labor and delivery floor. I was by myself. I was coming directly from a doctor's appointment. Abby was with Grandma and so excited to meet her baby brother. Dave was at work and not answering his phone. It was fine. He would eventually answer and come right over. We were ready. We had bags packed and with us at all times.

I was going to be induced. We were going to meet our baby in a few hours and then in a few days bring him home. That is not at all what happened. I was not induced, I had a c section. We met him that day, but he was not alive. He was not coming home. He was gone. In heaven. We left the hospital after shedding so many tears with so many people. Tears of grief.

Three days later, when we could stay no longer, we left Nathaniel at the hospital and went home. We were not the same, but everything looked the same from the outside. We were a family of four, but looked like a family of three.

Fast forward 14 months and we are back at the same hospital, but things are very different. Labor started by itself very quickly so we left our house with Abby and headed to the hospital. Abby was excited to meet baby sister. Grandma met us at the hospital, but they stayed in the waiting room. We didn't know if we were staying. When we got to labor and delivery we were not put in a room right away. We didn't know if we were having a baby that day.

It was determined that we were going to at least stay overnight, but we might be going home without a baby in the morning....at least an outside baby. We might just have to come back another day. I might have to continue with my worrying that there was something wrong and that this baby would die too. My doctors would also continue to worry and test and examine possible problems.

Labor continued, but we still didn't know if I was going to need to have a c section or if the baby was going to be born vaginally.

I continued to labor. I signed paperwork to consent to a c section if needed. I got and epidural. I worried that I would end up with a c section for hours. I worried that my baby would die. Again.

The hours passed. We were having a baby. It was taking a long time. She was probably not coming that day, but would be here by the next day.

At 3:57 am on April 6, 2015 our baby girl was born. Vaginally and alive. She was put on my chest and I cried. Tears of relief and happiness and hope.

I was no longer scared. I was no longer in pain. A huge weight had been lifted from me. I no longer had to count kicks twice a day to make sure she was still alive. She was here. I could see her and was no longer worried.

This baby is coming home. And because of her we are able to share the story of her brother with more people. He will live on. We will continue to tell his story. Now that story includes the story of his little sister, Felicity Hope, who is very much alive and currently sleeping on my lap.

Our family - April 7, 2015

Ornament Making

Every year our hospital holds an ornament making event for all the families that are part of the baby loss group and then as a group we go decorate a tree in one of the medical buildings. We each make two ornaments, one to go on a tree at the hospital and one to come home with us. This is the ornament that we made for this year.

After we were all done making our ornaments we headed over to the medical building to decorate the tree. First all the ornaments from past years were put on and then everyone took turns putting the ornament on the tree and saying who it was made for. It was another emotional day. (There have been a lot of those for me lately and I know there will be lots more in the next couple of weeks.) 

PAIL Awareness

October is Pregnancy and infant loss (PAIL) month. In particular, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day. As the 15th approaches there are lots of walks and remembrance ceremonies in the loss community all over the world. Ours at the hospital is today.

You might not know of anyone who lost a pregnancy or baby, but you probably know someone who has lost a child at some age. Take time to remember them this week. Write a note to the family, give them a call, go with them to an event, do something to help them see that other people remember their child too. It will mean the world to them.

I plan on writing a note this week to a couple in our grief group. They just lost their son at 26. He might have been an adult, but he was still their son.

Every Day

I came across this quote in a novel I was reading the other day. I think it describes what most people who have lost someone experience on a daily basis. I know it does for me.

"I think of him every day. At least once. Not that I say to myself - time to think about [him]. It's not like that. He just comes to mind. Somebody says something. Or I hear something to remind me of him." 

"Do you think it will be like that forever? For the rest of your life?" 

"I suppose it happens. People can think of somebody every day of their lives. Lots do, I suspect."

-Alexander McCall Smith, "Trains and Lovers"

6 Word Stories

I came across a blog about grief the other day. In it there was a post about writing six word stories. There was a list of things to write about. There were 11, but 1 isn't so applicable to our situation since we never got to know Nathaniel. I decided to try to come up with something for the other 10. It wasn't easy to find the right words when I could only use 6. So here they are.

A six word story:

1. about your loved one:  Never got to know him here
2. about the death:  Heard last heartbeat. Emergency surgery. Gone.
3. about you before he died:  Hating pregnancy. Ready to meet him.
4. about you after he died:  Not as strong as I seem
5. about a good memory:  Abby reading him lots of stories
6. about something that makes you mad:  Must breathe to get birth certificate
7. about something that gives you anxiety:  Anxious about everything. All the time.
8. about something that gives you hope:  I will meet him in heaven
9. about how you feel about death:  Too young to know this much
10. about your loved one's best quality
11. something you wish people knew about grief:  We'll always miss him. Every day.

Getting to Know the New Me

I no longer know myself. I don't know how I am going to react in any given situation. Is it going to stress me out? Will I cry? Will I need to leave? I don't know what I'm capable of or what I can handle anymore. I can write now and initiate conversations with strangers. Can I do other things I couldn't before? Am I willing to try?

It's hard to one day have something happen to you and all of a sudden be a different person. I knew the old me for almost 37 years. The new me I've only had 5 months to get to know. I think it will take a long time before I know who I am again.

Missing the Mundane

I wrote this the other day, but hadn't posted it yet.

I've had a lot of dreams about Nathaniel lately. This morning I was dreaming about him right before I woke up. I was dreaming that we were at church. I was feeding him and then he needed his diaper changed. I felt myself waking up and the dream fading. I really didn't want the dream to end. I wanted to sleep and sleep and keep doing normal things for him since I can't in real life.

Dave decided that the one thing that we wanted to do for
Nathaniel at the hospital was change his diaper. One of
the nurses took pictures of Nathaniel's only diaper
change ever.

One thing I was looking forward to with Nathaniel was changing his diapers. I know it sounds strange, but it's true. We used cloth diapers with Abby, but some of them were very girly so I had gotten some new ones for him. I was so excited to use the new newborn diapers I had bought. They were so tiny and cute. They were all ready for him in baskets in his room. There was one with bikes on it. I really wanted to use that one. I had considered bringing some to the hospital with us, but really didn't want to come home and do a load of laundry right away so I didn't pack them. He didn't need them anyway.

Hope for the Grieving

In the past month we have heard of two other families that have lost babies. This is just friends of people at church and our church is small.

I don't want to be the resource for families going through this, but that seems to be what God wants us to do so I contact the strangers or tell the friends that they can give out our information. I really don't want to, but I need to give people hope. That is a big reason that I started this blog.

So many people are hopeless when their child dies. Their life is over. It has no meaning. That is not us. We don't feel that way at all. If anything the loss of Nathaniel has given our lives deeper meaning and passion to help people that wasn't there before.

We can make it through this. It's terrible and it hurts, but God is good and he is with us. He will help us through this if we let him.

Up With the Sun

I just realized that yesterday was the first time that i let myself grieve for Nathaniel all day long. I didn't have to worry about Abby or what to eat or what i was doing. I'm glad. I think it was good for me. It was nice to be able to think about him all day long. I cried more yesterday than in a long time. I will probably be more emotional than I have been in a while for the next couple of days. I might not sleep well again, but that's ok.

I saw the sun rise this morning. I not a morning person, but since February I have seen the sun come up many many times. It has been a while since I woke up that early though. Yesterday gave me a lot to think about.

Every time I am up before the sun I think about Nathaniel. I think that if he had lived I might be up feeding him. I probably wouldn't have today. Dave would have probably been the one up with him. With Abby, I was the one who stayed up late, Dave took the early morning shift. He is an early person. I am not. It worked well last time. We probably would have done the same thing with Nathaniel.

Getting Struck By Lightning

We had a consultation with a MFM (maternal-fetal medicine) doctor the other day. My Ob had recommended that we go see one before getting pregnant again just In case there was something that we should do or some tests that should be done. I really didn't want to do it. I didn't have any questions, but she wanted me to so I called and made an appointment.

I was really nervous the day of the appointment. I didn't want to go at all.

We didn't really learn anything at this appointment. The MFM said that Nathaniel died because of a maternal-fetal hemorrhage. We already knew that. She told us that it was very rare, like being struck by lightning, and the chances of it happening to us again were very very small. All this we had been told before.

She had no problem with the timeline that my normal Ob had given us. That was reassuring. I thought that she might tell us we needed to wait longer.

Dave was concerned that since I had so much of Nathaniel's blood in my body that my blood had changed composition and that could cause it to attack a future baby so I had a blood test done while we were there. The test came back negative.

That's one less thing that I wouldn't have thought to worry about before that I won't need to worry about now. I'm sure I will find hundreds of other things to worry about though. I'm sure when we do get pregnant again I will be a mess the entire time. I am not looking forward to that. I didn't particularly like being pregnant the first two times. Now I get to add stress and anxiety. Fun.

Firsts Are Hard

There have been quite a few firsts for us this year without Nathaniel. None of them are new to us. They are all things that we have celebrated before, but this year they are hard days. The days we have to try to get through. The days we miss him the most. The first Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, and now Father's Day.

My birthday is next week. It will be the first birthday that we have celebrated as a family since February. I am dreading it. I don't want to do anything. I really don't want to celebrate. I'm thinking it is going to be harder than any other day so far this year. I should plan something fun, but we have so many other things going on next week that I think trying to plan something will just stress me out.

The morning is already planned. There is story time at the library. We always go to that. If it's a nice day Abby and I will probably go to the pool in the afternoon. She's been actually playing in the water a lot more this year. That could be distracting and fun. If it rains I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I will pack for our trip the next day. We are only going to be gone for two days so that shouldn't take too long.

I think I'll be praying for sunshine for Thursday.

So Many Families Missing Babies

The other day we got a newsletter from our grief group at the hospital. It was the first one we have gotten so I didn't know what to expect. It was surprisingly thick because in it there was a list of all the families that are part of the group and the names of the babies that they lost. I counted all of them and there were 190 babies listed. I was surprised that there were so many. I have only seen two other people at the group when we have gone.

So many babies lost. So many families hurting and that is just from one hospital. Nathaniel was the only one listed from this year. I hope that no more names will ever be added to the list, but I know that is not realistic. There will be more. Probably this year.

Thinking of Going on a Trip

A month or so after Nathaniel was born I was clicking through baby loss websites and came across the Star Legacy Foundation, a non-profit organization working on stillbirth awareness and research. They are having a conference for medical professionals, counselors, and families in a few weeks in Minneapolis. I didn't think of signing up. I don't like going to things like that. They are scary with all the new people and unknown situations. I get anxious just thinking about it.

I was looking at the agenda for the last day of the conference today. A lot of it is for families. I think it could be really helpful. It might be good to meet some other families too. Scary, but good.

Maybe I'll go. Maybe the whole family will.

Everything is Too Easy Sometimes

It might sound strange, but sometimes I think that my life is too easy right now. Usually the thought comes to me when I am somewhere fun with Abby, like the children's museum or the pool. I should be the mom juggling nursing her baby while making sure the preschooler doesn't dart off somewhere, but I'm not. I can play with her or just sit on a bench and watch her play with the other kids. So sometimes I sit and watch, thinking about what I thought life was going to be like and it makes me sad.

Other days I'm grateful for the easiness. I'm a little sick right now. With a baby I would not be getting as much sleep at night and I would have many more things to do during the day. Abby can be self sufficient most of the time. She knows how to turn on the TV and where her yogurts are in the refrigerator so if I need extra sleep I can have it. She will be fine. She will come get me if she needs something and then I can go back to sleep.

I can exercise. Every day if I want to. I know this is not something everyone can do. I'm grateful for it. It's helping me from feeling crazy. I can do an exercise video at home while Abby is "napping" or I can go for a 23 mile bike ride by myself and not have to worry about needing to be home at a certain time to feed a baby.

I can spend hours writing and connecting with people online. Maybe I would be able to do that with a baby maybe not.

I'm choosing to see the positives, but it's hard. It helps a little. Sometimes.

Something to Say

I thought writing a blog would be hard. I don't normally write. I don't usually journal, but since Nathaniel died I have. There are things I need to get out of my head. If they stay there I can't stop thinking about them. Sometimes I can't sleep because of all the thoughts in my head.

When I started this blog I didn't know how long I would be able to keep it going. I thought I would run out of things to say quickly. I haven't. I have plenty to say and I keep coming up with more. I am always thinking of Nathaniel and often do things to remember him. Since this blog is about him there is always something to write.

What is even more surprising to me is that people are reading what I have to say. Lots of people. Every day. Some of these people are people I don't know. I'm glad. I started this blog for them. I wanted to spread the hope that we have to as many people as possible.

Thanks everyone for reading. Come back again.

A Quote About Grief