Spreading Hope

A few days after Felicity was born I saw a request for birth stories of rainbow babies (babies born after pregnancy or child loss) on a site that I read a lot while I was pregnant with Felicity. I felt like I needed to submit the blog post I had written here so I did. They decided to publish it. It is up today here: http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/rainbow-birth-story-felicity-hope/

I hope it gives people some hope. I know there are a lot out there that could use some.

Scars

I really didn't want to ever have a c section, but I had one with Nathaniel. It was an all around horrible experience. I did not want to have to go through any of that again with this pregnancy so I was determined that I was going to try for a VBAC.

I had another reason to not want one too, but I didn't share this reason with anyone until after Felicity was born. I didn't want a c section because I didn't want to lose the scar that I have from Nathaniel. It's the only physical reminder that I have that he really did exist. I didn't make it up or imagine it. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like I did.

Now Felicity is here. There was lots of c section talk for her whole pregnancy even up until an hour before she was born, but I didn't have to have one. She ended up to be a successful VBAC in the end. I still have my Nathaniel scar and I'm happy about that.

Baby Shower Anxiety

I'm going to a baby shower today for my sister in law who is due in May. I'm excited about it and anxious at the same time. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle a shower for me right now. Will I be OK at one for someone else…who is having a boy? I don't know. I want to have fun, but haven't been to a baby shower since the one that was thrown for me for Nathaniel so I have no idea how I am going to react or if something will be a trigger for me. I seem to be OK seeing babies now so maybe it will be alright. I really hope so.

Late Night Thoughts

It's late. As I was trying to fall asleep I started thinking about Nathaniel and his life.  I couldn't sleep so I thought I would write it out. We'll see if it helps.

For a long time I thought that I didn't have any memories with him, but really I have a lot. Nathaniel didn't ever live outside of me, but he spent every single second of 39 weeks and 4 days with me. In those 277 days he did a lot with me.

Today I was thinking about all that we did last year while I was pregnant with him. We celebrated Mother's Day, my birthday, Father's Day, cousin Sammy's 1st birthday, Grandpa's birthday, Abby's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. We went to a wedding and a funeral. We flew on airplanes and rode trains and bikes. We went camping and to the beach. We slept in hotels, a camper, a tent, and relative's houses. We saw all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who live far away (most more than once). We went to museums to see art and fish and trains. We picked apples and cherries. We went swimming and played in the snow.

2013 was a big year. We did a lot of stuff and Nathaniel was there for all of it.

In Oklahoma for my Grandpa's funeral

Riding a train to Chicago with "Crazy" to spend the day at the Art Institute

Us and all of our Alaska family on Father's Day

My birthday

On a bike ride in Alaska with all the cousins

Nathaniel hiked a mountain

At Matt and Anoosh's wedding

Grandpa's birthday - the day we told people that Nathaniel was coming

Abby's birthday

Camping

Riding a train at the Illinois Railway Museum

Thanksgiving

Christmas

Fun in the snow

Having fun with our friend at the Children's Museum
(the last picture I can find when I was still pregnant with Nathaniel, a little over a month before he was born)

This Time Last Year

I don't remember many of the dates for Nathaniel's pregnancy. I remember his due date. Everything else is a blur. I don't remember exactly when we knew for sure that we were pregnant. I just remember that it was at the end of May, a couple weeks before we went to visit my family in Alaska. I do remember the day that we told our families. It was August 10th. We were at a kite festival to celebrate Dave's dad's birthday. Had it not been partially done at a birthday party I probably wouldn't have remembered that. 

Today is Dave's dad's birthday. There is going to be a party at the kite festival again this year. His family remembered the significance of this day and we were told that we don't have to come if it's too hard. I appreciate that, but I think we'll be fine.

Getting Struck By Lightning

We had a consultation with a MFM (maternal-fetal medicine) doctor the other day. My Ob had recommended that we go see one before getting pregnant again just In case there was something that we should do or some tests that should be done. I really didn't want to do it. I didn't have any questions, but she wanted me to so I called and made an appointment.

I was really nervous the day of the appointment. I didn't want to go at all.

We didn't really learn anything at this appointment. The MFM said that Nathaniel died because of a maternal-fetal hemorrhage. We already knew that. She told us that it was very rare, like being struck by lightning, and the chances of it happening to us again were very very small. All this we had been told before.

She had no problem with the timeline that my normal Ob had given us. That was reassuring. I thought that she might tell us we needed to wait longer.

Dave was concerned that since I had so much of Nathaniel's blood in my body that my blood had changed composition and that could cause it to attack a future baby so I had a blood test done while we were there. The test came back negative.

That's one less thing that I wouldn't have thought to worry about before that I won't need to worry about now. I'm sure I will find hundreds of other things to worry about though. I'm sure when we do get pregnant again I will be a mess the entire time. I am not looking forward to that. I didn't particularly like being pregnant the first two times. Now I get to add stress and anxiety. Fun.

Next Time Will Be Different

With both of our pregnancies we have waited to tell people for quite a while. With Abby we didn't find out until 8 weeks. We told our families almost right away and friends after we reached the "safe zone" of 13 weeks.

Last summer Dave's brother was getting married. We were also going to Alaska to visit my family. We had just found out for sure that we were pregnant with Nathaniel about a week before we went on vacation, but didn't want to tell anyone until we had the first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat. The appointment was a week after we got back. The wedding was the next week. We decided to wait until after the wedding to tell people so that we didn't steal the attention from the couple at the wedding. We didn't want to tell my family before we had told anyone else so it was a secret for quite a while.

It was hard to keep it secret. I was sick a lot. There were a lot of things that I just couldn't do on vacation. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I did do quite a bit. We went bike riding and hiking with my sisters. I just had to do it a lot slower than I would have liked.

If we get pregnant again we will be telling people right away. Before I didn't want to tell people and then have to untell them if I miscarried so I waited until it was "safe". I now know that there is no time that is safe. For me it is better for people to know. I need to be able to have people around me who know what is going on and are there for me.