A Christmas Thought

A thought that came to me in church this week:

Feeling Overwhelmed

Abby took this picture of me this morning. This is how I feel right now. Buried.

Christmas is coming soon and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have so many things to do and don't feel like I can do any of them. I shouldn't have taken on so many things.

Making lots of Christmas presents this year was probably not the best of ideas. I didn't really think much of it when I made the decision, and it probably wouldn't have been a big deal if I had started working on them right away, but I didn't. I started last week on everything besides the ornaments (those were a much bigger job than I original thought too). So now I still have two presents to make that need to be mailed so they really need to be done in the next couple of days and at least one more needs to be bought to be shipped with them.

I made a list this morning of all the things that I need to get done. It was way more than I originally thought. (Since making the list I did cross off 3 things so it is helping, but that doesn't make it any less overwhelming.) I don't think it's going to all get done without me staying up way to late every night and exhausting myself. I'm going to either have to not do some of them until later, get help, or not do them at all.

Dave is going to be home starting Wednesday. That could be helpful except he has a project that he is planning to do while he is off. He is going to replace the tile in the bathroom. That will take days and while he is doing it Abby and I are going to go stay at his parent's house. So really anything that needs to be done needs to be done by Wednesday or Thursday.

On top of all of this Dave wants to do something as a present for Nathaniel. I think it's a great idea. I'm all for it, but I do not have the energy to think about it at all. So if it's going to happen it's up to him and he knows that.

And Nathaniel's birthday is coming up in less than 2 months. I want to have some sort of party. I don't know what, but we need to figure that out soon too. It will have to wait until after Christmas. I just don't have the capacity to think about it now.

Nathaniel Day 10 - Decorating and Stargazing

The tree decorators: Grandmas and Grandpa, me, Dave, and Abby with Nathaniel bear

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9).

For our December Nathaniel day activity we decided to decorate Nathaniel's tree for Christmas. We invited our family that lives close to us to come help. Dave, Abby, and I had each picked out a special ornament to go on his tree. Abby chose a donut, Dave picked a sparkly blue bird, and mine is a sparkly ball with pretty swirly cutouts. We plan to each pick an ornament each year to put on his tree. This year Grandma and Grandpa had brought some ornaments for him too.

Nathaniel bear with all the ornaments for the tree

All decorated.

Family picture in front of Nathaniel's tree

After we were done and the Grandparents left we went inside to warm up with some hot chocolate before leaving for the planetarium. We needed to eat some lunch and since it was Nathaniel day we decided to go out to a restaurant on our way downtown. Abby was very excited about getting macaroni and cheese…and a balloon.

It was cold and we parked a ways away from the planetarium. I did not dress warmly enough so I was ready to be inside out of the wind by the time we got there.

Abby playing with the interactive walls.
She was pushing the astronauts around.

Abby had a lot of fun at the planetarium. We mostly staying in the kid's area, which seemed new from the last time I was there so I was fine staying and exploring with her. We also went to a show. Abby was not as much a fan of that. She didn't like having to wait for it to start and was ready to leave before it was over.

It was one of those 360 degree dome theaters so I knew that I was probably going to feel sick by the end. I did. And then when we went back to the kid's area I decided to do a rocket launch simulation with Abby. Bad idea. I really felt sick then. I think I spent the rest of the time we were at the museum sitting and drinking water to try and get my stomach to calm down.

Rocket launch

The museum closed pretty early (4:30) and with the tree decoration, restaurant lunch, drive downtown, and walk there we were only there for about two hours. Since it was free day that was fine. Next time we go we will have to give ourselves a little more time if we want to see the other half of the museum. I'm sure we will be going back. Abby had so much fun and wasn't ready to leave even when the museum employees were telling us that the museum was closed. She just wanted to stay and keep playing.

Watching the rovers from inside the exhibit

Abby driving a rover

Nathaniel's tree all lit up after we got home.

Ornament from Grandma and Grandpa

Ornament Making

Every year our hospital holds an ornament making event for all the families that are part of the baby loss group and then as a group we go decorate a tree in one of the medical buildings. We each make two ornaments, one to go on a tree at the hospital and one to come home with us. This is the ornament that we made for this year.

After we were all done making our ornaments we headed over to the medical building to decorate the tree. First all the ornaments from past years were put on and then everyone took turns putting the ornament on the tree and saying who it was made for. It was another emotional day. (There have been a lot of those for me lately and I know there will be lots more in the next couple of weeks.) 

Saying Goodbye to New Friends

Dave and I have been going to a weekly GriefShare group at a local church since September. Last night was unexpectedly the last session (originally scheduled to end, skipped a week, were going to meet one more time next week). We didn't know that it was going to be the last week until after we got there. I actually went by myself last night. Usually Dave's mom is able to babysit, but she couldn't yesterday. If we had known that it was the last week we would have tried to find someone else. (That was going to be the case next week.) He really wanted to be there for the last week.

It seemed everyone was a little thrown off by it being the last time we were going to meet. We all seemed extra emotional. Even the leader cried at the end. She said she never does that. We had talked a few weeks ago about all getting together in January some time. I hope that actually happens. I'm going to miss seeing all my new friends every Monday. They will all definitely be on the invite list for any birthday celebration we have for Nathaniel in February. They would probably come too.

10 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

You're going to be a big brother. I want you to know that just because there is going to be another baby doesn't mean we have forgotten you. We think and talk about you all the time. I think we will for the rest of our lives. I certainly hope so. You are our son and always will be. We just found out this week that the baby is a girl. In a few more months you are going to have a baby sister.

It's really hard for Mommy right now. Last year at this time we were getting ready for you to come home. People were excited. You got presents for Christmas from relatives. This year we are decorating your tree and hanging up a stocking for you, but there won't be any presents for you from us under our tree. I doubt anyone else will get you anything either and that makes me sad. I think it will make me even sadder if your baby sister, who isn't here yet, gets presents and you don't. People, other than us, certainly talk more about her than you now.

Today it has been 10 months since you were born. We are going to decorate your little tree in the backyard with lights and ornaments for Christmas. A while ago Mommy and Daddy and Abby went shopping. We each picked out a special ornament for your tree. We invited other people to come help decorate and hang an ornament for you too. We'll soon see if anyone else comes.

Mommy

277 Days

Nathaniel was born at 39 weeks and 4 days (277 days gestation). Today it has been 39 weeks and 4 days since Nathaniel died. That is the same amount of time I was pregnant with him. As of tomorrow it will always be longer that he has been gone than he was with us.

Today, after he has been gone for 277 days, we got our Nathaniel bear. I don't think this is a coincidence. I think it was supposed to take an extra week to get to us so that he would get here on this day exactly 39 weeks and 4 days after he went to heaven.

Nathaniel Day 9 - Robot Factory, Treats, and Shoeboxes

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8).

For Nathaniel Day this month we didn't have a big activity planned. Abby has story time at the library on Thursdays so we went to that. I let her pick out a movie to watch that night. We brought some lunch with us and ate in the car on our way to the Robot Factory.

The Robot Factory is a little place in Libertyville, IL. It is mostly a place to build with LEGOs. Abby had a coupon from the summer reading program at the library so I thought that it would be fun for the afternoon. It was only open until 2 hence the lunch in the car so that we could be there as long as possible.

Abby had a lot of fun at the Robot Factory. There was a separate room for the littler kids filled with at least three different trains, a doll house, a play kitchen, cars and roads and ramps, and lots of LEGOs. Abby spent most of the time playing with the trains (surprise, surprise) while I made a zoo on the big train table. We played until the place closed and were the only people there all afternoon so had the place all to ourselves.

After that we went and got a treat. I gave Abby the option of ice cream or getting a cookie. She chose ice cream. 

We had Dave pick up dinner since he didn't get to participate in the rest of the day. We had a picnic dinner in the back room and watched the movie that Abby had chosen at the library while wrapping and filling our boxes for Operation Christmas Child. We didn't finish them all that night, but ended up with 13 by the time we were all done with all of them. I figured that 9 were for Nathaniel, one for each month old he would have been, and 4 for Abby, one for each year.

9 Months

Today has actually not been bad. I really wasn't sad at all. It seems every month it gets easier and easier to make it through the sixth. I guess that's a good thing.

Abby and I had a fun day. We didn't do anything terribly big or exciting. I'll post on the Nathaniel Day activities in another post in a few days.

We still don't have our Nathaniel bear. I was sure we would have it by now since it was supposedly shipped last week. Yesterday I got another shipment notification that it was going to be shipped today, but I checked on it and it seems that it still hasn't shipped. The waiting is driving me crazy. I need to stop thinking about it and checking on it all the time. We will eventually get it. It really doesn't matter when.

One Down, Lots to Go

I finished the first of the Nathaniel ornaments I'm making. A few others have been started, but need a little more work to be finished. I still haven't decided if every person is going to get one or just every family so I'm not sure how many I need to make.

Since my family reads this and they are for them I'm not going to post pictures now. Instead I will post a picture of the one I made for us. It is different from the rest.

For all the new babies in the family I make a bear ornament for their first Christmas. So I made one for Nathaniel that will hang on our tree. It is different from the ones all the other kids have since it is made with paper from cards that we got after he died and this bear is holding a heart. All the others are just white bears.

Late Night Thoughts

It's late. As I was trying to fall asleep I started thinking about Nathaniel and his life.  I couldn't sleep so I thought I would write it out. We'll see if it helps.

For a long time I thought that I didn't have any memories with him, but really I have a lot. Nathaniel didn't ever live outside of me, but he spent every single second of 39 weeks and 4 days with me. In those 277 days he did a lot with me.

Today I was thinking about all that we did last year while I was pregnant with him. We celebrated Mother's Day, my birthday, Father's Day, cousin Sammy's 1st birthday, Grandpa's birthday, Abby's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. We went to a wedding and a funeral. We flew on airplanes and rode trains and bikes. We went camping and to the beach. We slept in hotels, a camper, a tent, and relative's houses. We saw all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who live far away (most more than once). We went to museums to see art and fish and trains. We picked apples and cherries. We went swimming and played in the snow.

2013 was a big year. We did a lot of stuff and Nathaniel was there for all of it.

In Oklahoma for my Grandpa's funeral

Riding a train to Chicago with "Crazy" to spend the day at the Art Institute

Us and all of our Alaska family on Father's Day

My birthday

On a bike ride in Alaska with all the cousins

Nathaniel hiked a mountain

At Matt and Anoosh's wedding

Grandpa's birthday - the day we told people that Nathaniel was coming

Abby's birthday

Camping

Riding a train at the Illinois Railway Museum

Thanksgiving

Christmas

Fun in the snow

Having fun with our friend at the Children's Museum
(the last picture I can find when I was still pregnant with Nathaniel, a little over a month before he was born)