A New Book

A new resource for bereaved parents has just come out in the last week. I have been wanting to write about it here for a long time, but wanted to wait until it had been officially published.

It is a collection of essays written by a group of 26 people who have lost a child, some in pregnancy, some in infancy, and some later in life.  It was written to give those that are new in their grief some hope for the future. Each essay was written to describe one aspect of life in the first year after loss.

I found out about this book when there was a call for essays to be submitted in an online group that I am a part of. The editor of the book was specifically asking for essays from fathers. I forwarded the information on to Dave. He decided to write one and out of several hundred entries, his essay was accepted to be part of the book and one of only two from the perspective of a father.

The book is now available. We are eagerly awaiting its arrival at our house, hopefully in the next couple of days.

Candles Lit for the Babies

Last night we participated in the International Wave of Light for the babies gone too soon. I tried to remember all of the ones that I personally know of and lit candles for each of them.

We lit 19 candles and then prayed for their families. There were candles for: Hannah, Hope, Faith, Noah, Colton, Conner & Ben, Nathaniel, Edward, Mikayla, and a few others who's names I don't know or were lost early in pregnancy and never given names.

International Wave of Light

Walk to Remember 2014

Yesterday was our hospital's annual Walk to Remember for all of the babies lost there. It was a good time to meet some other families that are walking the same road as we are since most of the time at our monthly grief group it is usually just us and one or two other people. There were about 10 to 15 families there, which was not as many as I expected.

Two of the nurses that were with me while I was in the hospital with Nathaniel were there too. It was good to catch up with them and share some of the information about stillbirth that we have found.

Abby's balloon for baby brother

We were able to write a message on a sign and a balloon to release. Then we went outside and took a little walk to the memorial garden that the hospital has set up. A poem written by one of the loss moms was read, we all were able to say the names of the babies we were there for, and then we released all the balloons.

After the balloon release we went back inside and ate lots of delicious food while a few people shared their stories with the whole group. For a lot of us our losses seemed to be fairly recent. One that shared had lost their son in June and another who was there lost their daughter in September. I'm sure it was good for them to be able to share their stories. We didn't speak to the whole group, but I think both Dave and I individually spoke to a few people each.

I'm glad I went. I'm sure we will be participating for many years to come. Hopefully we are able to share some hope with the group.

Writing messages to Nathaniel

Nathaniel Bear Coming Soon

I heard about Molly Bears soon after we lost Nathaniel. I think I first looked at the website in February when I was spending hours each day finding all the baby loss and memorial websites that are out there that I had never heard about.

Molly Bears is a non-profit organization started by a loss family a few years ago. They make weighted teddy bears for families that are the exact weight of their baby that died. They make them for babies at all gestational ages and then up to 2 years old. They only accept orders one day a month and it is a limited amount, usually about 125.

When I placed my order for our Nathaniel bear there was a long waiting list. I think I was told at the time that it would about a year and a half before we would get our bear. I thought it would be fun to have the bear for Nathaniel's birthday, but was thinking that realistically that might be his 2nd birthday.

Today I got an email from Molly Bears that they have gotten up to our number on the waiting list and our Nathaniel bear is going to be made this month. I nearly cried when I read the email. I was not expecting that at all. Not this soon. It's only been about 5 months.

I'm so excited to get our bear! Abby will probably try and steal him when he gets here. I told her today that he will be coming in the mail soon. I think we are going to be anxiously checking for packages for the next couple of weeks until he gets here.

A Loss is a Loss

There seems to be a hierarchy in the loss community. There are those that lost a child through an early miscarriage and then there are those that have lost a child after 20 some weeks. It seems to me that the two groups are not seen as equal. The miscarriages seem to be treated as lesser. I feel that is not right. All of them have lost a child or children. They are all hurting because of it. Losing a child is painful. A loss is a loss whether at 1 day, or 9 months, or 26 years.

For those who have had a miscarriage, people around them might not know what they are going through. They might not have told anyone about the pregnancy before the baby was gone. Their families may not even know. I would think that would be a very hard place to be. I, at least, know that nearly everyone around me knows about Nathaniel so if I am sad or can't handle a situation people might know why.

If you have lost a child, I am sorry. I might not understand exactly what you are going through, and you might not understand my situation, but ultimately we are the same. We are both a parent to a child who is not here with us. We don't need to compare our stories to know that we have both lost something that we can't get back. My situation is not better or worse than yours. We are both in pain.

I'm Glad I Don't Have a Job

I am glad that I don't have a job outside the home right now. I'm a stay at home mom to Abby and have been since she was born. I don't have to deal with corporate policies and different kinds of leave this time. If I had lost my first child I don't know what I would have done. I can't imagine having to be back at work right away. I assume I would have still gotten maternity leave, though I had no baby at home, but I really don't know since I haven't had to live through that.

At the Stillbirth Summit bereavement leave in the United States was brought up and the fact that FMLA leave can't be used if you have a child that dies. People at the conference are trying to change that. There is legislation being worked on right now to include stillbirth and the death of a child under FMLA. You can sign a petition here.

According to the government a child that is stillborn doesn't exist. They are not included in statistics about infant deaths. You don't get a birth certificate or a social security number. You don't qualify for FMLA. You don't get to claim them on your taxes for that year. You can not add them to your health insurance so any medical bills you get for them you will have to pay yourself. Their birth is not a qualifying event for changing your health benefits.

I didn't know any of these things before Nathaniel. Now we know some of them firsthand and some through the experiences of other loss parents. Things need to change. Our babies existed. They were born. That needs to be recognized. You should not have to fight for the acknowledgement that the full term baby that you gave birth to and held in your arms existed.

So Many Families Missing Babies

The other day we got a newsletter from our grief group at the hospital. It was the first one we have gotten so I didn't know what to expect. It was surprisingly thick because in it there was a list of all the families that are part of the group and the names of the babies that they lost. I counted all of them and there were 190 babies listed. I was surprised that there were so many. I have only seen two other people at the group when we have gone.

So many babies lost. So many families hurting and that is just from one hospital. Nathaniel was the only one listed from this year. I hope that no more names will ever be added to the list, but I know that is not realistic. There will be more. Probably this year.