It would be so easy to put away all the baby stuff and traces of Nathaniel from the house and deny that he died. I could pretty easily pretend that the last year didn't happen. I have no baby. I have no birth certificate. I've lost most of the pregnancy weight. It could have all been a really bad dream.
But I can't do that. That would be denying that he existed at all. I can't do that. I will take the pain that comes with acknowledging his life since that means acknowledging his death.
Even if I took away all the physical proof I still couldn't deny it happened. All I have to do is look down at my belly and see the scar. The scar from the c section that I desperately didn't want to happen at the time, but after the fact am so grateful for. It is fading, but will never disappear completely. I will always carry a reminder of him with me. God must have known that I would need it.
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