Birthdays

I have been thinking a lot about birthdays lately. On Saturday, my friend Krystal just celebrated the first birthday of her twins Conner and Benjamin that she lost last year just a few weeks before we lost Nathaniel. I made these hats to donate to a NICU in memory of them. They were born at 22 weeks so I made the hats really really little. It was hard to find something small enough to model them.

Nathaniel's birthday is coming up in less than a month. We are starting to plan for his party now. We have a theme and two possible dates. I've been working on making decorations for the past couple of days. Now we need to decide on a date, make invitations, and figure out a guest list pretty soon. I want invitations to go out ASAP, preferably this week.

Nathaniel's Christmas

Before Christmas I was concerned that Nathaniel was going to be forgotten this Christmas. He wasn't. At all. He got gifts from family and friends (ornaments and a figurine for us and a flock of ducks and books for others) and his name was included with the rest of the grandchildren in a bracelet for Grandma.

Thank you to everyone who gave us something in memory of him. It means so much to us that you remembered him.

Ornament Making

Every year our hospital holds an ornament making event for all the families that are part of the baby loss group and then as a group we go decorate a tree in one of the medical buildings. We each make two ornaments, one to go on a tree at the hospital and one to come home with us. This is the ornament that we made for this year.

After we were all done making our ornaments we headed over to the medical building to decorate the tree. First all the ornaments from past years were put on and then everyone took turns putting the ornament on the tree and saying who it was made for. It was another emotional day. (There have been a lot of those for me lately and I know there will be lots more in the next couple of weeks.) 

One Down, Lots to Go

I finished the first of the Nathaniel ornaments I'm making. A few others have been started, but need a little more work to be finished. I still haven't decided if every person is going to get one or just every family so I'm not sure how many I need to make.

Since my family reads this and they are for them I'm not going to post pictures now. Instead I will post a picture of the one I made for us. It is different from the rest.

For all the new babies in the family I make a bear ornament for their first Christmas. So I made one for Nathaniel that will hang on our tree. It is different from the ones all the other kids have since it is made with paper from cards that we got after he died and this bear is holding a heart. All the others are just white bears.

Candles Lit for the Babies

Last night we participated in the International Wave of Light for the babies gone too soon. I tried to remember all of the ones that I personally know of and lit candles for each of them.

We lit 19 candles and then prayed for their families. There were candles for: Hannah, Hope, Faith, Noah, Colton, Conner & Ben, Nathaniel, Edward, Mikayla, and a few others who's names I don't know or were lost early in pregnancy and never given names.

International Wave of Light

Making Nathaniel Hearts

I have been meaning to start making paper hearts with the envelopes and flowers we got for Nathaniel for a long time. Today was a beautiful fall day and we didn't have any plans or need to do anything so I asked Abby if she would like to help me. She wanted to help and seemed to have a fun time. We ended up making two batches so we have two different colored hearts drying in our back room right now. I'm curious to see what they end up looking like when they are completely dry.

What we started with. A pile of papers and some dried flower petals.

Abby did a really good job adding the water.

Testing to see if the hearts are dry enough.

All done. Look at what we made.

Nathaniel Bear Coming Soon

I heard about Molly Bears soon after we lost Nathaniel. I think I first looked at the website in February when I was spending hours each day finding all the baby loss and memorial websites that are out there that I had never heard about.

Molly Bears is a non-profit organization started by a loss family a few years ago. They make weighted teddy bears for families that are the exact weight of their baby that died. They make them for babies at all gestational ages and then up to 2 years old. They only accept orders one day a month and it is a limited amount, usually about 125.

When I placed my order for our Nathaniel bear there was a long waiting list. I think I was told at the time that it would about a year and a half before we would get our bear. I thought it would be fun to have the bear for Nathaniel's birthday, but was thinking that realistically that might be his 2nd birthday.

Today I got an email from Molly Bears that they have gotten up to our number on the waiting list and our Nathaniel bear is going to be made this month. I nearly cried when I read the email. I was not expecting that at all. Not this soon. It's only been about 5 months.

I'm so excited to get our bear! Abby will probably try and steal him when he gets here. I told her today that he will be coming in the mail soon. I think we are going to be anxiously checking for packages for the next couple of weeks until he gets here.

Finding Nathaniel

In the first couple of weeks after Nathaniel died I was on the internet a lot. I would spend hours and hours reading blogs of others who had lost babies and articles about grief. Sometimes there would be a link to some organization about stillbirth or baby loss in general. That is how I found the Star Legacy Foundation, the organization that put together the Stillbirth Summit.

On their website there are stars in the background. Each of those stars has a name of a baby attached to it. I added Nathaniel's information then I found the information about the memorials that they were doing for the babies at the Summit so I filled out his information for a star to hang there and a balloon to be released at the end. At that time I had no intention of going, but they were going to acknowledge Nathaniel's life so I needed to do it. I put his name anywhere there was a place to put it. I needed to see his name written by someone other than me. There are not many chances for that when your baby is stillborn. So far we had his name on the death certificate (though we don't get a birth certificate) and one piece of mail from a donation in his name. That is all.

At the end of the Stillbirth Summit there was a balloon release for all the babies of those who were there and those who's names had been submitted online. There were hundreds of balloons. Those that had been submitted online had the names written on them by a volunteer. If you were there you could write on a balloon for yourself.

There he is!

I hadn't looked to see if Nathaniel's balloon had been made. I couldn't remember if I had filled out the form for one for him. It had been months since I had done that and I only remembered doing the star. After lunch Dave and I were going to make a balloon for him. We walked over to the lobby where the balloons were and there his was. We didn't have to search for it. For the second time that day I had found him without trying at all.

Dave about to release Nathaniel's balloon into the sky.

Hundred of balloons flying away.

A Star For Nathaniel

At the Stillbirth Summit there were stars hanging from the ceiling in the lobby. Each one was submitted by someone around the world who had lost a baby. There were hundreds and hundreds. I had submitted Nathaniel's name a long time ago so I knew his star was there somewhere. I didn't get a chance to look for it when we got there in the morning. The conference had already started. Then at a break Dave was standing at the edge of the stars. I went over to him, looked up, and there it was. It was quite a ways above my head and moved around a lot so it was hard to take a picture, but eventually I got a good, clear one.

More stars in the lobby, hiding in the corner.

After the conference was done another couple was looking for their daughter's star. They were looking for a long time and couldn't find it. Dave and I decided to help them look. We looked all over. After a while I looked way up high and I found it! I'm glad that I was able to help. I think they would have searched until they found it even if that took hours.

An Addition to the Garden

For Father's Day Grandma helped Abby decorate some rocks. There was one for each one of us and one that said family. I suggested we put them under Nathaniel's tree so that they wouldn't be sitting around the house. I think they look very nice there.

Look What I Got

My sister unexpectedly sent me a Nathaniel necklace in the mail. I cried when I opened the package and saw what it was.

It says "God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart" and the bar has his name on it.

It's perfect. I love it!

A Heart to Hang on the Tree

I make handmade paper. One Christmas I made each member of my extended family and Dave's extended family a personalized ornament. Since then I have made a new one for each new baby that has come. This year I am planning on making all of my family Nathaniel ornaments out of recycled paper that I associate with him (envelopes from sympathy cards, his registry printout, receipts, etc) and flowers from the memorial service. Each family will get one. I haven't started on them yet. I will soon.

I also thought of making ornaments for my loss friends. The idea in my head was that they could give me a few things, if they had them, and I would make them into an ornament that they could keep forever.

It seemed like a good idea. I just didn't know how much paper I would need to make one ornament. I have never made just one. I was making lots at a time. The other day, while Abby was napping, I decided to make one for the family of baby Edward. I had the program from his funeral service and a few other pieces of paper that I associated with him. I also added a page from the baby brother book that was sitting on the desk.

Here's what I started with: 2 1/2 pieces of paper and a blue envelope that I had. I added 1/2 a sheet of blue tissue paper so that they would end up with a little more color.

I was able to make either 3 big hearts or maybe 12 little ones. That's more than I expected.

Now I know I can make something special for someone who is hurting even if they don't have much to give me. One or two pieces of paper that have meaning to them can make a beautiful memorial for the one they have lost.

The finished product. I think it turned out well.

For the family of baby Edward.
All ready to go in the mail.
They don't know about it. Hopefully it brightens their day when they get it.