The First Day of School

Yesterday was Abby’s first day of school. In our district kindergarten starts the day after everyone else so today would have been Nathaniel’s first day of kindergarten. I woke up feeling terrible with the start of a migraine. I was expecting today to be hard, but it was worse than I was expecting so I decided to make it like a Nathaniel Day. 

Felicity wanted to go to the park so we walked / biked to our neighborhood park down the street and played for a while. Then went to Culver’s for lunch and frozen custard. 

After some fresh air and frozen custard I’m feeling much better.

Help Us Feed Starving Children

For the past two years our family, as part of Nathaniel's birthday celebration, has volunteered for the organization Feed My Starving Children along with some friends and extended family members each year. We will be volunteering to pack food again this year for his 4th birthday.

This year I decided to create a fundraising page so that our friends and out of town family that can not participate physically packing food with us can participate by donating money to get the packed food to starving kids around the world.

If you would like to donate you can do so here at https://give.fmsc.org/nathanielslegacy.

October 15th

Today (October 15th) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This year it was also the day of our local hospital's annual Walk to Remember. We walked and released balloons to remember Nathaniel and all the other babies who died too soon. Then tonight Dave and the girls lit a candle for the international wave of light to remember all the babies and children who have died.

Explaining Baby Brother

It's August which means it's back to school time again. It's a time of the year that I love and look forward to for at least the last month of the summer since that means that I will have one less kid at home all day long. It's much more peaceful and I have nap time to do whatever I want. At the same time it is something that I dread because I will have to explain Nathaniel to new people.

This year Abby is in first grade. She is in the dual language program at her school which basically means that she has two teachers and two whole classes worth of kids in her class. Last year there were at least eight dual language kindergarten classes. Any of the kids in those eight classes could be in her class this year. That's potentially a lot of new people.

Today Abby, Felicity, and I went to school to drop off supplies and meet her teachers. Since we were there early there was no one else in the room for a while and I took the opportunity to let both of her teachers know that Abby also has a brother who died. We like to let her teachers know about Nathaniel right away, if possible, because he is very much a part of our family and Abby brings him up all the time. Often when she meets other kids she immediately tells them that she has a baby brother but he died. I've witnessed this many many times at the park when Abby meets someone new. It never seems to bother the other kid at all.

Meeting new people has always been hard for me. I am terrible at small talk and one of the first things that most people ask about is how many kids you have or if you have other kids besides the one that they know about through school or other activity. I hate answering that question and never know what I am going to say. Sometimes I tell people about him and sometimes I just say that I have two girls at home.

As time passes that conversation comes up more often. In some ways it was so much easier at the beginning, right after he died. We told everyone all at once so everyone that we came in contact with fairly regularly already knew. That is not the case anymore. I think there are even people at our very small church who don't know about him at all. We have several new families that have come in the last couple of years and I'm not sure that we have ever told them.

I never know what is going to happen when I tell people about Nathaniel. Sometimes it ends the conversation and sometimes people want to know more. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I'm perfectly fine. Today I got teary when I told the first teacher, but a few minutes later was fine telling the second one. I have no idea why. I really do like talking about him. I just don't enjoy the initial conversation at all.

New Decorations

We got some new decorations for Nathaniel's grave at Feed My Starving Children when we were there to pack meals for his birthday. Abby picked out the giraffe, which she named Giraffy. 

The next day we brought them to the cemetery and put them in place. We have since removed the Christmas lights. Soon we will have to bring some of his other summertime things back.

Nathaniel Day 24 - Birthday Packing Party

We decided for Nathaniel's birthday party this year to volunteer with our family at Feed My Starving Children. We spent the afternoon packing meals to send to starving kids around the world. Grandmas and Grandpa and Dave's sister and brother in law and their kids were able to join us for the afternoon. I signed us up as a birthday party so there was even a sign saying happy birthday to Nathaniel. It was a little awkward when they were looking for the birthday people and we said Nathaniel wasn't there. We got there late so didn't have a chance to tell anyone beforehand. But if we had talked to someone about the situation maybe they wouldn't have announced his name.

I think everyone enjoyed the packing. Abby did all the jobs. She scooped and weighed and labeled and helped box. She was one tired girl after the session was done. 

I have no idea how much our little group of me, Dave, and 5 kids packed. We weren't very good about keeping track of how many boxes we did. The whole big group ended up packing 125 boxes which would be enough to feed 74 kids for a year.

After the session we bought Nathaniel a bird and a giraffe at the FMSC shop to decorate his grave. We have been meaning to get him some new decorations, but hadn't found anything we liked yet. This way we got something fun and provided 140 meals for starving kids.

After the packing we picked up some mexican food. Most of us went over to Grandma's house for some dinner and birthday cake. It turned out to be a really fun day.

Two Years

Happy birthday Nathaniel!

Today you would be two. It's hard to believe that it has been two whole years that you have been gone. It really doesn't feel like it most of the time.

We aren't having a big party this year like we did for your 1st birthday, but we are going to celebrate with family and a couple of friends. Abby is so excited for your birthday. When I got up she ran and excitedly told me "It's baby brother's birthday today!". She's been counting down for days. Today she's been asking all day when it was time to go pack meals for kids for your birthday party. We're not going until after lunch. That's a long time for her to wait. The last couple of days she and I have been working on making you a cake. She decided that you would like a chocolate George cake and that she would blow out your candles for you.

A while ago I signed you up for a birthday club so about two weeks ago you got a birthday card from Geoffrey Giraffe. It will probably be the only card you get each year, but that's ok. I considered bringing it into the store to get you the crown and balloon that are part of the gift, but ran out of time. The cake took longer to make than I was expecting and your baby sister is teething and not sleeping well so we have been having a hard time leaving the house lately. I was going to let Nathaniel bear wear the crown and hold the balloon for the party and then bring the balloon to your grave afterwards.

I miss you so so much.

Mommy

P.S.  - You have a new baby cousin. He was born this week. He was born on Great Grandpa's birthday and is named after you. Not many two year olds have a namesake so that's pretty cool.

Nathaniel Day 21 - Packing Food for Kids

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months by clicking on the Nathaniel Day Activities tab at the top of the page.

On November 6th Dave's work group was doing a team building day packing meals at Feed My Starving Children. Abby is now old enough to volunteer and there were spots for us so we left Felicity with Grandma and joined them for the afternoon session. 

Abby had so much fun and was exhausted by the end! She helped scoop ingredients for a while until her arms got tired and then she joined Dave in packing the finished meals into a box for shipping. She was in charge of keeping track of how many boxes we packed. I think our team (Dave's work group plus me and Abby) packed 16 or 17 boxes. 

The whole group that session packed a total of 132 boxes which will make 79,200 meals for severely malnurished children. That is enough to feed 72 kids for an entire year!

Nathaniel Day 18 - 1/2 Birthday Celebrations

You can now read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months by clicking on the Nathaniel Day Activities tab at the top of the page.

I've gotten really behind here. It's almost time for Nathaniel Day 20 and I haven't even written about Nathaniel Day 18 yet. I need to find some time to write here a little more often. It's hard to get anything done during the day. One of the girls wants my attention all day long.

We were asked to bring cupcakes to Dave's dad's birthday party a few days later so I made them a little ahead of time so that we could have a couple for celebrating his half birthday. Abby helped make the frosting and decorate them with all the colors of sprinkles that we had.

It was Thursday so Abby had story time at the library. We went to that and then headed over to another library in a neighboring town that I had heard had a really cool kid's area.  It was like a children's museum with a fairly tale theme. It was not nearly as cool as I was expecting and one part that I thought Abby would like was being fixed, but she still had fun.

After library number 2 we headed home and then went for a walk to the neighborhood playground. Dave picked up some dinner after work and met us at the playground for a picnic dinner and the half birthday cupcakes.

It was a pretty low key day, but we still had fun, explored some place new, and did something that we wouldn't have normally done on a regular Thursday. 

Nathaniel Bear on Vacation

Last month we went to visit my family in Alaska. Since they live so far away the last time we saw some of them was when they came down for Nathaniel's funeral. None of them had seen Nathaniel bear so we decided to bring him along. I didn't want him to get lost so he came along in our carry-on suitcase with Felicity's diapers and our extra clothes.

While we were there a lot of people got to see him. We left him out in the living room at my parent's house the whole time that we were there. A couple people came over and my mom would show him off and make them hold him so they could feel how heavy he is. Often I would see my niece with him when she was over, holding him or hugging him. We also brought him to church with us on Sunday and to a picnic that afternoon so we got to share him with many people that I have known most of my life.

We took a family picture one day while we were there. Nathaniel bear was in it too. He was also in the grandkids picture and the extended family picture. I'm sure those pictures will be up in everyone's homes for a long time. It's not often that we are all together.

I'm glad that we brought him along on our trip even though we didn't do much with him while we were gone. It gave us a chance to talk about Nathaniel with people we wouldn't have otherwise like the TSA agent at the Anchorage airport. We don't have much chance to do that anymore. 

Nathaniel Day 16 - Riverbend Nature Center

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15).

Nathaniel day is almost here again so I figured I should post about last month's activities. We have been busy enjoying the summer outside and I haven't kept up with the blog much. I just realized that the pool has wifi so maybe I'll post more now since that's where we spend a lot of our time.

Since the 6th fell on a Saturday Dave was able to join us for all the activities this month. It was national trails day so we packed up and headed up to Wisconsin to join the hike it baby walk at Riverbend Nature Center in Racine, Wisconsin. We had never been there before so it was fun to explore a new place. It wasn't a very long walk, but it was fun to be outside on a beautiful day. Dave and I could have walked more, but Abby was done when the group hike was over so we decided to go to our next stop - the harbor market in Kenosha.

We explored the market and got some delicious foods to share for lunch. After lunch we spent a little time in the kids area of the Kenosha Public Museum (one of the places we went to on Nathaniel Day 7) before heading home.

Nathaniel Day 14 - New Decorations and a Baby Sister

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13).

In the morning Grandma and Grandpa dropped off Abby at the hospital to meet baby sister. She had a great time holding her. While she was there the professional photographer stopped by and we decided to take some pictures. We got her to take some with Abby, Felicity, and Nathaniel bear. 

It wasn't quite the picture that I had imagined since Felicity wasn't wearing her little sister shirt anymore. She had gotten it all dirty earlier in the day. I will just have to try again later to get all three in their sibling shirts.

Abby had been calling baby sister Rudolph since some time in December. When she met her she continued, but by the time Abby left she stopped calling her Rudolph and started to use her actual name.

Abby stayed and had lunch with us at the hospital and then Grandma and Grandpa took her back to their house.

I had planned to take Abby to the store to pick out some new, springy decorations for Nathaniel's grave, but since I was in the hospital Grandma took her. Abby picked out a sunflower for baby brother. I had found the pinwheel before Easter in the dollar section at Target.

It wasn't the day that I had imagined, but I never thought that I would be having a baby that day. From now on Nathaniel Day will also be celebrating her too.

Scars

I really didn't want to ever have a c section, but I had one with Nathaniel. It was an all around horrible experience. I did not want to have to go through any of that again with this pregnancy so I was determined that I was going to try for a VBAC.

I had another reason to not want one too, but I didn't share this reason with anyone until after Felicity was born. I didn't want a c section because I didn't want to lose the scar that I have from Nathaniel. It's the only physical reminder that I have that he really did exist. I didn't make it up or imagine it. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like I did.

Now Felicity is here. There was lots of c section talk for her whole pregnancy even up until an hour before she was born, but I didn't have to have one. She ended up to be a successful VBAC in the end. I still have my Nathaniel scar and I'm happy about that.

Big Brother Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

You are now a big brother. Baby sister is here now. She decided to come on Nathaniel day so you're going to have to be a big brother and share. Sometimes the 6th will have to be about both of you now.

We named your baby sister Felicity Hope (not Rudolph like Abby wanted). She is a great baby. She eats and sleeps well. And she's really really cute. We love her, but she doesn't replace you or make it all better that you aren't here with us too. I want all my kids here with me. All three of them.

After you were born I spent many many nights awake in the middle of the night. I should have been up nursing a newborn, but instead I was up thinking. I couldn't turn my mind off to go to sleep. I was so tired, but couldn't sleep. So I wrote. I wrote Abby's book. I wrote this blog. Eventually it got better I was able to sleep at night again. All night.

After Felicity was born I was not able to sleep at night. I should have been sleeping since she was, but instead I was awake thinking of you. That's what is happening right now. She's sound asleep. I should be because I have so much sleep to catch up on, but I can't. I try everything I can think of, but my mind won't turn off. 

A lot of what I'm thinking about is you. I wish you were here, but you're not. We are going to make sure that your little sister knows about you just as much as Abby does, though she won't have ever met you I hope that you will be such a normal part of her life that she tells people all about you when they ask her about her family.

 We brought Nathaniel bear to the hospital with us when I went into labor. I had bought him a little brother shirt. I wanted a big brother one, but I couldn't find one little enough to fit him. Abby has a big sister shirt and there was a little sister one for baby sister when she came. 

I wanted to be able to take a picture at the hospital of all of my kids meeting their new baby sister. With Nathaniel bear as your stand in I was able to get the next best thing. You are still represented. Just as you will be in all of the important days and celebrations of our lives.

We talked about you a lot at the hospital. We told our nurses about you. We showed everyone Nathaniel bear and explained why he is special to us.

 Before we left to go home we got to talking to our nurse about you and found out that two of the nurses that were there last year when you were born were there. One was your baby nurse. The one who had given you your first bath and gotten you ready for us to see you. 

It was so good to see them. They remembered you and were so excited to see us again and meet your baby sister. We talked to them for so long that it was about two hours after we had been discharged that we got ready to leave to go home. 

It reminded me of leaving the hospital last year. Just like last time, we could stay as long as we wanted. No one was making us leave at any particular time. Last year we eventually had to leave and we had to leave you there. This time we were bringing baby sister home with us.

I love you. I'll miss you forever no matter how many more kids I have.

Mommy

Birth day photos of all of my kids.

14 Months

The births of my second and third children are exactly 14 months apart. There are so many similarities between the two days, but also so many drastic differences.

On February 6, 2014 we were unexpectedly sent to the hospital to have a baby. It was a boy. I was very done with the pregnancy and due in three days. I was excited as I walked into the labor and delivery floor. I was by myself. I was coming directly from a doctor's appointment. Abby was with Grandma and so excited to meet her baby brother. Dave was at work and not answering his phone. It was fine. He would eventually answer and come right over. We were ready. We had bags packed and with us at all times.

I was going to be induced. We were going to meet our baby in a few hours and then in a few days bring him home. That is not at all what happened. I was not induced, I had a c section. We met him that day, but he was not alive. He was not coming home. He was gone. In heaven. We left the hospital after shedding so many tears with so many people. Tears of grief.

Three days later, when we could stay no longer, we left Nathaniel at the hospital and went home. We were not the same, but everything looked the same from the outside. We were a family of four, but looked like a family of three.

Fast forward 14 months and we are back at the same hospital, but things are very different. Labor started by itself very quickly so we left our house with Abby and headed to the hospital. Abby was excited to meet baby sister. Grandma met us at the hospital, but they stayed in the waiting room. We didn't know if we were staying. When we got to labor and delivery we were not put in a room right away. We didn't know if we were having a baby that day.

It was determined that we were going to at least stay overnight, but we might be going home without a baby in the morning....at least an outside baby. We might just have to come back another day. I might have to continue with my worrying that there was something wrong and that this baby would die too. My doctors would also continue to worry and test and examine possible problems.

Labor continued, but we still didn't know if I was going to need to have a c section or if the baby was going to be born vaginally.

I continued to labor. I signed paperwork to consent to a c section if needed. I got and epidural. I worried that I would end up with a c section for hours. I worried that my baby would die. Again.

The hours passed. We were having a baby. It was taking a long time. She was probably not coming that day, but would be here by the next day.

At 3:57 am on April 6, 2015 our baby girl was born. Vaginally and alive. She was put on my chest and I cried. Tears of relief and happiness and hope.

I was no longer scared. I was no longer in pain. A huge weight had been lifted from me. I no longer had to count kicks twice a day to make sure she was still alive. She was here. I could see her and was no longer worried.

This baby is coming home. And because of her we are able to share the story of her brother with more people. He will live on. We will continue to tell his story. Now that story includes the story of his little sister, Felicity Hope, who is very much alive and currently sleeping on my lap.

Our family - April 7, 2015

Nathaniel Day 13 - A Visit, Eating Out, and a Movie

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12).

This month Nathaniel Day fell on a Friday. It was a little cold and Abby and I were both a little sick with colds so we didn't end up doing a whole lot.

We drove over to Nathaniel's grave. We hadn't been there for a while. I was going to clean the snow off and remove the little Christmas lights. I'm glad I decided to bring boots for both of us. There was more snow than I was anticipating and I didn't take into account the berm of plowed snow that we needed to climb over to get to his grave. The snow got mostly cleaned off, but the lights were too frozen into the ground to take out. I didn't have anything to replace them with anyway. Maybe next month we'll take them out. By then the snow should be all gone and we might want some springy decorations there anyway. I told Abby she could pick something new out. She was pretty excited about that.

Abby was very excited about her mac n cheese

Before we left for the cemetery we ordered lunch online so that it would be ready to pick up when we got there. We made a quick stop to pick it up and then came home to eat our lunch and watch the movie that Abby had picked out the day before. We both had a fun afternoon relaxing and watching the movie.

When Dave got home he wanted to go out for dinner and get some fish (since it is Lent and you can find it everywhere) so we quick got in the car and went to Culvers. We had a good dinner and got some  dessert to go since it was time to get home and watch the Amazing Race (Abby's favorite).

It was a pretty low key day, and I think they will be for a while (I have a doctor's appointment next month and then we will have a newborn), but we are going to keep doing something every month. I want Nathaniel Day to be something that both girls participate in for a long time. It doesn't have to be something big, but we need to do something.