I thought I was ok around babies. They never seemed to bother me. I was wrong. I learned today that I can not be in the same room as a very small baby that is crying. If the baby is quiet and I can not look at him/her I can pretend that the baby is not there. I think that is how I had been dealing with the babies that I would see around me. I would not look or walk away and go somewhere else. That doesn't work in a small space with a crying baby. There is no escape. Today I had to go outside to get away or I was going to start crying in the middle of a group of strangers at a bridal shower.
It was a nice day and a friend who understood what was going on came with me. We had a nice conversation outside in the sunshine for a while and then went back in to the party. The baby had stopped crying and I no longer felt like I could break into tears at any moment.
So now I know that I can not handle babies. There aren't any babies at church right now, but soon there will be one. I worked in the nursery until a few weeks before Nathaniel was born and was going to take a break for a while anyway. Now I know that break might be really long. I may never be able to do it again. I really hope not.
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