Scars

I really didn't want to ever have a c section, but I had one with Nathaniel. It was an all around horrible experience. I did not want to have to go through any of that again with this pregnancy so I was determined that I was going to try for a VBAC.

I had another reason to not want one too, but I didn't share this reason with anyone until after Felicity was born. I didn't want a c section because I didn't want to lose the scar that I have from Nathaniel. It's the only physical reminder that I have that he really did exist. I didn't make it up or imagine it. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like I did.

Now Felicity is here. There was lots of c section talk for her whole pregnancy even up until an hour before she was born, but I didn't have to have one. She ended up to be a successful VBAC in the end. I still have my Nathaniel scar and I'm happy about that.

14 Months

The births of my second and third children are exactly 14 months apart. There are so many similarities between the two days, but also so many drastic differences.

On February 6, 2014 we were unexpectedly sent to the hospital to have a baby. It was a boy. I was very done with the pregnancy and due in three days. I was excited as I walked into the labor and delivery floor. I was by myself. I was coming directly from a doctor's appointment. Abby was with Grandma and so excited to meet her baby brother. Dave was at work and not answering his phone. It was fine. He would eventually answer and come right over. We were ready. We had bags packed and with us at all times.

I was going to be induced. We were going to meet our baby in a few hours and then in a few days bring him home. That is not at all what happened. I was not induced, I had a c section. We met him that day, but he was not alive. He was not coming home. He was gone. In heaven. We left the hospital after shedding so many tears with so many people. Tears of grief.

Three days later, when we could stay no longer, we left Nathaniel at the hospital and went home. We were not the same, but everything looked the same from the outside. We were a family of four, but looked like a family of three.

Fast forward 14 months and we are back at the same hospital, but things are very different. Labor started by itself very quickly so we left our house with Abby and headed to the hospital. Abby was excited to meet baby sister. Grandma met us at the hospital, but they stayed in the waiting room. We didn't know if we were staying. When we got to labor and delivery we were not put in a room right away. We didn't know if we were having a baby that day.

It was determined that we were going to at least stay overnight, but we might be going home without a baby in the morning....at least an outside baby. We might just have to come back another day. I might have to continue with my worrying that there was something wrong and that this baby would die too. My doctors would also continue to worry and test and examine possible problems.

Labor continued, but we still didn't know if I was going to need to have a c section or if the baby was going to be born vaginally.

I continued to labor. I signed paperwork to consent to a c section if needed. I got and epidural. I worried that I would end up with a c section for hours. I worried that my baby would die. Again.

The hours passed. We were having a baby. It was taking a long time. She was probably not coming that day, but would be here by the next day.

At 3:57 am on April 6, 2015 our baby girl was born. Vaginally and alive. She was put on my chest and I cried. Tears of relief and happiness and hope.

I was no longer scared. I was no longer in pain. A huge weight had been lifted from me. I no longer had to count kicks twice a day to make sure she was still alive. She was here. I could see her and was no longer worried.

This baby is coming home. And because of her we are able to share the story of her brother with more people. He will live on. We will continue to tell his story. Now that story includes the story of his little sister, Felicity Hope, who is very much alive and currently sleeping on my lap.

Our family - April 7, 2015

277 Days

Nathaniel was born at 39 weeks and 4 days (277 days gestation). Today it has been 39 weeks and 4 days since Nathaniel died. That is the same amount of time I was pregnant with him. As of tomorrow it will always be longer that he has been gone than he was with us.

Today, after he has been gone for 277 days, we got our Nathaniel bear. I don't think this is a coincidence. I think it was supposed to take an extra week to get to us so that he would get here on this day exactly 39 weeks and 4 days after he went to heaven.

Meeting Friends

It's been an emotional couple of days for me and I didn't know why right away. I think I figured it out.

We have good friends that live out of the country and have for almost 10 years. I visited them once, not long after they moved, but it's expensive and a very long trip so whenever they are in the country we try to go see them. A 6 hour drive is much more doable than a 30 hour plane trip for us right now. The last time we saw them I was pregnant with Abby. They are here now for a couple of weeks. We were able to make a quick trip to see them this weekend. I don't know if we would have made this trip with a infant. Maybe we wouldn't have been able to see them this time. Who knows.

So today our friends met Abby in person for the first time. They should have met both of our kids. They should have also met Nathaniel and not by reading his story and looking at all his pictures. Times like this remind me all over of what should have been and it makes me sad.

Every Day

I came across this quote in a novel I was reading the other day. I think it describes what most people who have lost someone experience on a daily basis. I know it does for me.

"I think of him every day. At least once. Not that I say to myself - time to think about [him]. It's not like that. He just comes to mind. Somebody says something. Or I hear something to remind me of him." 

"Do you think it will be like that forever? For the rest of your life?" 

"I suppose it happens. People can think of somebody every day of their lives. Lots do, I suspect."

-Alexander McCall Smith, "Trains and Lovers"

This Time Last Year

I don't remember many of the dates for Nathaniel's pregnancy. I remember his due date. Everything else is a blur. I don't remember exactly when we knew for sure that we were pregnant. I just remember that it was at the end of May, a couple weeks before we went to visit my family in Alaska. I do remember the day that we told our families. It was August 10th. We were at a kite festival to celebrate Dave's dad's birthday. Had it not been partially done at a birthday party I probably wouldn't have remembered that. 

Today is Dave's dad's birthday. There is going to be a party at the kite festival again this year. His family remembered the significance of this day and we were told that we don't have to come if it's too hard. I appreciate that, but I think we'll be fine.

Abby's Special Rock

During our camping trip this week Abby found a few rocks that she said were hearts. I thought of them as Nathaniel rocks. Dave told me he thought the same thing. We didn't tell her that though. She was having a hard enough time leaving them behind. She definitely wouldn't have left a baby brother rock behind. She didn't understand that we couldn't take things home from the park with us. 

She really liked this one we found when we were hiking on Nathaniel Day. I convinced her to leave it behind by telling her that I would take a picture of it so that she could remember her special heart rock. 

Missing the Mundane

I wrote this the other day, but hadn't posted it yet.

I've had a lot of dreams about Nathaniel lately. This morning I was dreaming about him right before I woke up. I was dreaming that we were at church. I was feeding him and then he needed his diaper changed. I felt myself waking up and the dream fading. I really didn't want the dream to end. I wanted to sleep and sleep and keep doing normal things for him since I can't in real life.

Dave decided that the one thing that we wanted to do for
Nathaniel at the hospital was change his diaper. One of
the nurses took pictures of Nathaniel's only diaper
change ever.

One thing I was looking forward to with Nathaniel was changing his diapers. I know it sounds strange, but it's true. We used cloth diapers with Abby, but some of them were very girly so I had gotten some new ones for him. I was so excited to use the new newborn diapers I had bought. They were so tiny and cute. They were all ready for him in baskets in his room. There was one with bikes on it. I really wanted to use that one. I had considered bringing some to the hospital with us, but really didn't want to come home and do a load of laundry right away so I didn't pack them. He didn't need them anyway.

Denial Would Be So Easy

It would be so easy to put away all the baby stuff and traces of Nathaniel from the house and deny that he died. I could pretty easily pretend that the last year didn't happen. I have no baby. I have no birth certificate. I've lost most of the pregnancy weight. It could have all been a really bad dream.

But I can't do that. That would be denying that he existed at all. I can't do that. I will take the pain that comes with acknowledging his life since that means acknowledging his death.

Even if I took away all the physical proof I still couldn't deny it happened. All I have to do is look down at my belly and see the scar. The scar from the c section that I desperately didn't want to happen at the time, but after the fact am so grateful for. It is fading, but will never disappear completely. I will always carry a reminder of him with me. God must have known that I would need it.