Letters to Nathaniel

For the memorial service Dave and I wrote letters to Nathaniel. This is mine.

Dear Nathaniel, 

Mommy, Daddy, and Abby were ready to meet you. Some a little more patiently than others. Abby would ask every day if baby brother was still in Mommy's tummy and if you were walking yet. She wanted you to come out so that she could give you a bath and you could play with your toys. She has been setting things aside for baby brother. She helped me put your crib together one day and made sure that you had a special soft blanket in your bed. She went shopping with me and helped pick out the outfit that you would wear home from the hospital. It has puppies on it and says "awesome brother". She also decided that you needed some fuzzy monkey slippers. You didn't really need them, but I let her get them. You are wearing them now. 

Things didn't turn out the way that we planned. I wasn't expecting to have a c section. The possibility of that being needed never crossed my mind. We were supposed to have you, stay in the hospital for a day, you would meet your sister, and then we would go home. Everything was ready and waiting for you, but we had to leave you behind. 

I have been looking forward to February for a long time. The Winter Olympics were supposed to start a few days before you were born, if you weren't as stubborn as you sister and you actually came somewhere near your due date. We were going to spend lots of time the first few weeks of your life on the couch watching the Olympics while you ate at all hours of the day and night. I love watching the Olympics. When it is going on I am glued to the tv watching any event that happens to be on, seeing if the people I knew back in high school are going to be shown. Instead I have been so busy making arrangements for the your services that I have only caught bits and pieces of a few events. We did spend some time together one night at the hospital watching speed skating before we went to sleep. 

I had a terrible pregnancy. I was sick for months and then I was told that I needed to see a specialist to get blood tests done once a month. I have been to so many doctor's appointments and had so many tests.  You were perfect and they seemed so unnecessary at the time. I now see that we just needed to be exposed to more people so that our story could be shared with them and they could see our joy and the hope that we have in the midst of our pain and sorrow. 

I spent the last couple of months in pain. Daddy joked that I should put myself on bed rest because doing anything was just so painful to me. I spent most of the day laying on the couch letting Abby watch anything she wanted. I had hip pain when I sat or laid down and couldn't breathe if I stood up. I got so used to the pain that the pain from the c section is no big deal. I am able to move around because I was already so used to it. I was able to focus on spending time with you and not think about how I was healing or how much pain I was in. 

I am so glad that we got to meet you and spend three days with you while we were in the hospital. We have hundreds of pictures to remember you by. We will treasure those memories for the rest of our lives. We aren't sure exactly what God's plan for you was, but we are excited to find out. We will just have to wait and see what great things happen because of your life and death. I know you have greatly impacted so many people already. You never opened your eyes but I believe great things will happen because people met you or have heard our story. 

It is dark as I am writing this. I wake up every day at 3 or 4 am thinking of you. I would have been up feeding you and changing your diaper instead of writing messages telling people about you and your short life and grieving your loss. 

Goodbye baby boy. We will miss you and think of you often. We know you will be waiting for us in heaven when we get there someday. Say hi to Great Grandpa Willis and Jesus for us. 

Mommy



Here is Dave's

Dearest Nathaniel,

I was all ready to share with you two very important topics you would need to know. The first is a need for a savior. Nathaniel you are always going to be perfect. No sin in this life but being born, the condition is you are born into sin. But God so loved the world that He gave us a savior. You are there with Jesus now. Anything else I have to tell you about our savior you already know. When I sat down with you to explain more one evening I stopped. I realized you could actually tell me more  about Him than I could tell you about Him. The second thing I had to tell you is that mommy and daddy love you so very much. That is why this is so hard. I had so many things I was looking forward to teaching you. So many things to experience with you. I was also looking forward to so many things you would share with me. 

The other day Abby was talking about baby brother. When she said you were not coming home as we had told her before. I asked her if she remembered where you were. She said we left you at the dentist. I suppose if you're at the dentist you'd have some very clean, white teeth. Maybe you can help her brush her teeth. What she remembers is that mommy had a dentist appointment the day before you were born, and Abby went with. To her, you must have slipped out of mommy's tummy there and that is how we lost you.

Oh to be able to go pick you up from there or anywhere would be wonderful. But that is not our reality. You got to go to heaven before me. Heaven is a place I know I will one day experience. To know that you are there makes it even more special. That I can meet my savior, and see you there will be awesome. We can one day share in that and I treasure that notion.

To Abby, you were going to come out walking, and loving to play trains, and wanting to play with rubber duckies in the bathtub. To me, you were going to love our early mornings while mommy slept in. We'd talk about God, how to be nice to mommy and your sister, and what it means to grow up. 

Nathaniel, you will be remembered. You will always be a blessing. You will always be loved. I can close my eyes and see you in my arms. Perfectly formed, perfectly loved, and since your birth experiencing perfect love.


With love, 
your daddy