Explaining Baby Brother

It's August which means it's back to school time again. It's a time of the year that I love and look forward to for at least the last month of the summer since that means that I will have one less kid at home all day long. It's much more peaceful and I have nap time to do whatever I want. At the same time it is something that I dread because I will have to explain Nathaniel to new people.

This year Abby is in first grade. She is in the dual language program at her school which basically means that she has two teachers and two whole classes worth of kids in her class. Last year there were at least eight dual language kindergarten classes. Any of the kids in those eight classes could be in her class this year. That's potentially a lot of new people.

Today Abby, Felicity, and I went to school to drop off supplies and meet her teachers. Since we were there early there was no one else in the room for a while and I took the opportunity to let both of her teachers know that Abby also has a brother who died. We like to let her teachers know about Nathaniel right away, if possible, because he is very much a part of our family and Abby brings him up all the time. Often when she meets other kids she immediately tells them that she has a baby brother but he died. I've witnessed this many many times at the park when Abby meets someone new. It never seems to bother the other kid at all.

Meeting new people has always been hard for me. I am terrible at small talk and one of the first things that most people ask about is how many kids you have or if you have other kids besides the one that they know about through school or other activity. I hate answering that question and never know what I am going to say. Sometimes I tell people about him and sometimes I just say that I have two girls at home.

As time passes that conversation comes up more often. In some ways it was so much easier at the beginning, right after he died. We told everyone all at once so everyone that we came in contact with fairly regularly already knew. That is not the case anymore. I think there are even people at our very small church who don't know about him at all. We have several new families that have come in the last couple of years and I'm not sure that we have ever told them.

I never know what is going to happen when I tell people about Nathaniel. Sometimes it ends the conversation and sometimes people want to know more. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I'm perfectly fine. Today I got teary when I told the first teacher, but a few minutes later was fine telling the second one. I have no idea why. I really do like talking about him. I just don't enjoy the initial conversation at all.

Abby's Special Box

Today Abby and I went to a ladies tea at our church. Part of the event was decorating boxes to fill with love or joy or gratitude or encouragement etc. When asked Abby said that she was going to use hers as a special baby brother box for her special things to remember her brother that died. I didn't suggest that. It was all her idea, but I love that was what she wanted to do with it.

Felicity's First Trip to Visit Nathaniel

Several weeks ago we went out to lunch for Dave's mom's birthday. It was a beautiful warm day so we decided to visit Nathaniel's grave on the way home. Dave and I hadn't been there for Nathaniel Day so we wanted to see the new decorations and see if there was grass yet.

The grass planted on his grave was starting to grow and there were buds on the flowering tree above it, but they weren't open yet.

Abby left her balloon from the restaurant for baby brother. That was a big deal for her. She doesn't easily give things up. She also picked a bouquet of dandelions for him and left them on his stone.

While we were there Abby explained to Felicity where we were and why we go there. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was really cute. She definitely understands.

We Miss Him All Day

Tonight at dinner Abby was talking about Baby Brother. She told us that he died and that she saw him at the doctor's office and that they had to take him out of Mommy and that Mommy has a red line. Then she said "I miss him all day."

Yes Abby, we do too. All day. Every day.

6 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

Happy half birthday! It's hard to believe that it has been six months now since you were born. Six months you have been in heaven while we are left behind here on earth. 

At first six months seemed like an eternity. How could we possibly make it six whole months without you? Somehow we have. Some days it has been really hard. Other days have been easier. But day by day we are figuring out what it means to live life without you here with us. We are trying really hard to spread hope and joy to others that are hurting. I think we are succeeding.

Abby talks about you all the time. She carries your picture around  and tells everyone she meets all about baby brother "Afanel". 

We all miss you so much and wish that we were with you. Someday we will be. It won't seem long to you. For us it will seem like forever.

Mommy

Part of the Family

Last night Dave and I were watching a movie. It was supposed to be entertaining and it was, but I didn't expect to get anything out of it. Certainly not something that I could relate with my life right now.

At the end of the movie there is a conversation between two people who have recently met. One is telling the other about her family. She talks about where she grew up and her house and then she starts talking about her siblings. She says that she has two brothers and that they had a baby sister but she died when she was born. It made me cry. That's how I want Abby to talk about Nathaniel when she grows up, as part of her family. She does it now. She tells people about baby brother all the time. Hopefully she will continue for the rest of her life.

Conversations with Strangers

Saturday we rode the train to Chicago to go to the Art Institute. It was family day. There were lots of free activities for kids in the family section of the museum and quite a few kids around. While we were in one of the rooms playing a family came in with a girl about Abby's age and a baby. Abby was enthralled with the baby. She stopped what she was doing, went right over and started playing with her. The mom was holding the baby and started talking to Abby. She asked Abby if she had any sisters. Abby told her that she had a baby brother and that he didn't get to come home. Of course the woman didn't understand so she asked her where her brother was. Abby told her that we left him at the doctor.

Dave and I were sitting a few feet away and had overheard the conversation. We figured that it was going to go on for a while and was confusing to the woman so Dave told her that we had recently had a stillbirth. We had just told the volunteer in the room a few minutes before when she asked us if Abby had any siblings. I'm glad Dave was with me this time and he could be the one to have the awkward conversation with a stranger.

A Letter From Daddy

Dave told me I could share his letter to Nathaniel with you so here it is. I will also put it on the page with mine.

Dearest Nathaniel,

I was all ready to share with you two very important topics you would need to know. The first is a need for a savior. Nathaniel you are always going to be perfect. No sin in this life but being born, the condition is you are born into sin. But God so loved the world that He gave us a savior. You are there with Jesus now. Anything else I have to tell you about our savior you already know. When I sat down with you to explain more one evening I stopped. I realized you could actually tell me more  about Him than I could tell you about Him. The second thing I had to tell you is that mommy and daddy love you so very much. That is why this is so hard. I had so many things I was looking forward to teaching you. So many things to experience with you. I was also looking forward to so many things you would share with me. 

The other day Abby was talking about baby brother. When she said you were not coming home as we had told her before. I asked her if she remembered where you were. She said we left you at the dentist. I suppose if you're at the dentist you'd have some very clean, white teeth. Maybe you can help her brush her teeth. What she remembers is that mommy had a dentist appointment the day before you were born, and Abby went with. To her, you must have slipped out of mommy's tummy there and that is how we lost you.

Oh to be able to go pick you up from there or anywhere would be wonderful. But that is not our reality. You got to go to heaven before me. Heaven is a place I know I will one day experience. To know that you are there makes it even more special. That I can meet my savior, and see you there will be awesome. We can one day share in that and I treasure that notion.

To Abby, you were going to come out walking, and loving to play trains, and wanting to play with rubber duckies in the bathtub. To me, you were going to love our early mornings while mommy slept in. We'd talk about God, how to be nice to mommy and your sister, and what it means to grow up. 

Nathaniel, you will be remembered. You will always be a blessing. You will always be loved. I can close my eyes and see you in my arms. Perfectly formed, perfectly loved, and since your birth experiencing perfect love.


With love, 
your daddy