Finding Nathaniel

In the first couple of weeks after Nathaniel died I was on the internet a lot. I would spend hours and hours reading blogs of others who had lost babies and articles about grief. Sometimes there would be a link to some organization about stillbirth or baby loss in general. That is how I found the Star Legacy Foundation, the organization that put together the Stillbirth Summit.

On their website there are stars in the background. Each of those stars has a name of a baby attached to it. I added Nathaniel's information then I found the information about the memorials that they were doing for the babies at the Summit so I filled out his information for a star to hang there and a balloon to be released at the end. At that time I had no intention of going, but they were going to acknowledge Nathaniel's life so I needed to do it. I put his name anywhere there was a place to put it. I needed to see his name written by someone other than me. There are not many chances for that when your baby is stillborn. So far we had his name on the death certificate (though we don't get a birth certificate) and one piece of mail from a donation in his name. That is all.

At the end of the Stillbirth Summit there was a balloon release for all the babies of those who were there and those who's names had been submitted online. There were hundreds of balloons. Those that had been submitted online had the names written on them by a volunteer. If you were there you could write on a balloon for yourself.

There he is!

I hadn't looked to see if Nathaniel's balloon had been made. I couldn't remember if I had filled out the form for one for him. It had been months since I had done that and I only remembered doing the star. After lunch Dave and I were going to make a balloon for him. We walked over to the lobby where the balloons were and there his was. We didn't have to search for it. For the second time that day I had found him without trying at all.

Dave about to release Nathaniel's balloon into the sky.

Hundred of balloons flying away.