A Heart to Hang on the Tree

I make handmade paper. One Christmas I made each member of my extended family and Dave's extended family a personalized ornament. Since then I have made a new one for each new baby that has come. This year I am planning on making all of my family Nathaniel ornaments out of recycled paper that I associate with him (envelopes from sympathy cards, his registry printout, receipts, etc) and flowers from the memorial service. Each family will get one. I haven't started on them yet. I will soon.

I also thought of making ornaments for my loss friends. The idea in my head was that they could give me a few things, if they had them, and I would make them into an ornament that they could keep forever.

It seemed like a good idea. I just didn't know how much paper I would need to make one ornament. I have never made just one. I was making lots at a time. The other day, while Abby was napping, I decided to make one for the family of baby Edward. I had the program from his funeral service and a few other pieces of paper that I associated with him. I also added a page from the baby brother book that was sitting on the desk.

Here's what I started with: 2 1/2 pieces of paper and a blue envelope that I had. I added 1/2 a sheet of blue tissue paper so that they would end up with a little more color.

I was able to make either 3 big hearts or maybe 12 little ones. That's more than I expected.

Now I know I can make something special for someone who is hurting even if they don't have much to give me. One or two pieces of paper that have meaning to them can make a beautiful memorial for the one they have lost.

The finished product. I think it turned out well.

For the family of baby Edward.
All ready to go in the mail.
They don't know about it. Hopefully it brightens their day when they get it.

Nathaniel Day 2 - Botanic Gardens

Since it took me a while to start this blog there are a few Nathaniel Days to catch up on.

Interesting flowers that looked dead, but weren't

March 6, 2014 Nathaniel Day 2 - A Trip to the Chicago Botanic Gardens

(I'm going to call this one Nathaniel Day 2, but it was really the first time we did something. I think it's easier than saying "the day Nathaniel would have been 2 months old", but that's what I mean. So from now on the number is how many months old he would have been on that day.)

March 6th was a Sunday. We decided that we would do something fun as a family to help make the day be not so sad. We decided that we couldn't avoid things that reminded us of him or we would never go anywhere or do anything ever again. It was supposed to be a nice day so we decided that after church we would go to lunch somewhere and then do an outdoor activity.

We went to lunch at a little Mexican restaurant near church. The last time we had been there was the day of Nathaniel's memorial service. It's a place we like to go a lot. It was good. It always is.

Flowering cactus in one
of the greenhouses

Then we went to the Botanic Gardens. We went there because it's a place we like to go often because we can go for free. It was a little early for anything to be very pretty outside, but there are also greenhouses so we could go there to warm up and see some pretty flowers. It really didn't matter what we saw. We just needed to do something out of the house. Pretty things to look at would be an added bonus.

Abby trying to pick the bananas off
the banana tree

Mostly we just walked. We let Abby go wherever she wanted to go. She found some kids to talk to and follow around for a while. We went in the greenhouses. We walked around the Japanese garden area and then found a section that we didn't know existed with a fun bridge and a building with a rooftop garden and buttons to touch inside to learn all about plants.

We were there for a long time. We walked a lot and were all pretty tired by the time we left, but we had fun and that was the point of the day.

Following Abby on the way back to the car.

Something to Say

I thought writing a blog would be hard. I don't normally write. I don't usually journal, but since Nathaniel died I have. There are things I need to get out of my head. If they stay there I can't stop thinking about them. Sometimes I can't sleep because of all the thoughts in my head.

When I started this blog I didn't know how long I would be able to keep it going. I thought I would run out of things to say quickly. I haven't. I have plenty to say and I keep coming up with more. I am always thinking of Nathaniel and often do things to remember him. Since this blog is about him there is always something to write.

What is even more surprising to me is that people are reading what I have to say. Lots of people. Every day. Some of these people are people I don't know. I'm glad. I started this blog for them. I wanted to spread the hope that we have to as many people as possible.

Thanks everyone for reading. Come back again.

I See Loss Everywhere

I read a lot of books. I don't recall reading much about dying babies or children in the books I chose in the past. Since Nathaniel died, I think every single book has the death of a child somewhere in it.  I didn't choose the books because they were about baby loss. They weren't about that, at least not according to the summary on the inside cover. They were random novels chosen mostly from the new book section at the library. One was a young adult bestseller.

In the book I am reading now a mother loses a baby on page one, sentence number four. It really isn't terribly relevant to the story so maybe had I read it four months ago I would have not remembered it. Now it sticks out. Am I just more sensitised to it now or is it really everywhere?

People lose babies all the time. It's really fairly normal. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that now that I am living it that I should see it everywhere I look.

A Few Days Off

My parents are coming to visit today for a few days so there might be a few less posts from me this week. I will try to post something every day. I have a post or two already written, but don't know how much time I will have to write while they are here.

Getting a Book Published is Hard

I've never wanted to write a book. I certainly didn't know what was needed to be done to get one published. In my head you write something, send it to publishers, they read it, love it, publish it, and send you money. That is definitely not how it works, especially not for a first time author. Most publishers will not accept anything directly. You need an agent. The agent talks to the publisher for you. But you can't just go out and pick an agent, they pick you. I didn't know this.

In order to get an agent you need to have what is called a query letter. It tells about your book and you and basically tells them why they should publish it. I don't want to write that. I just want my book to get to the people that need it. I don't even care about the money. I would give it away if I could. I just need to get someone to publish it first.

I've been working on the letter. It is hard. I need for someone to see the desperate need for this book. I have 3 paragraphs to convince them.

I think I have something good written. I'm having a few people read it to see if it needs to be fixed or changed. Then I can send it out.

Step 1 of ? almost done.

Up next the search for an agent.

I don't want to do this, but I need to.

Goats and Ice Cream

A couple nights ago Dave and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Dave - "Should I quit my job so we can go to a third world country to start an orphanage?"
Me - "Nope. I don't want to live in a third world country."
Dave - "What about a second world country?"
Me - "Maybe"
Dave - "What's your passion?"
Me - "I don't know."
Dave - "Do you like kids? Do you like teaching kids? How about teenagers? Do you like reading books? To kids? What about having an ice cream store? We could milk goats and make ice cream. Kids like ice cream."

So what is my passion? I was thinking about this for a long time. I think I know what it is now. I need to help people and I need to give them hope. I don't know what that is going to look like.

I don't want to leave everything here and move, especially not to a third world country. Is that where God wants us? I hope not, but if it is I will go. I don't want to, but there's a lot I'm doing now that I don't want to do. I would even milk goats to make ice cream.