A few days after Felicity was born I saw a request for birth stories of rainbow babies (babies born after pregnancy or child loss) on a site that I read a lot while I was pregnant with Felicity. I felt like I needed to submit the blog post I had written here so I did. They decided to publish it. It is up today here: http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/rainbow-birth-story-felicity-hope/
I hope it gives people some hope. I know there are a lot out there that could use some.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Scars
I really didn't want to ever have a c section, but I had one with Nathaniel. It was an all around horrible experience. I did not want to have to go through any of that again with this pregnancy so I was determined that I was going to try for a VBAC.
I had another reason to not want one too, but I didn't share this reason with anyone until after Felicity was born. I didn't want a c section because I didn't want to lose the scar that I have from Nathaniel. It's the only physical reminder that I have that he really did exist. I didn't make it up or imagine it. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like I did.
Now Felicity is here. There was lots of c section talk for her whole pregnancy even up until an hour before she was born, but I didn't have to have one. She ended up to be a successful VBAC in the end. I still have my Nathaniel scar and I'm happy about that.
I had another reason to not want one too, but I didn't share this reason with anyone until after Felicity was born. I didn't want a c section because I didn't want to lose the scar that I have from Nathaniel. It's the only physical reminder that I have that he really did exist. I didn't make it up or imagine it. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like I did.
Now Felicity is here. There was lots of c section talk for her whole pregnancy even up until an hour before she was born, but I didn't have to have one. She ended up to be a successful VBAC in the end. I still have my Nathaniel scar and I'm happy about that.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Big Brother Nathaniel
You are now a big brother. Baby sister is here now. She decided to come on Nathaniel day so you're going to have to be a big brother and share. Sometimes the 6th will have to be about both of you now.
We named your baby sister Felicity Hope (not Rudolph like Abby wanted). She is a great baby. She eats and sleeps well. And she's really really cute. We love her, but she doesn't replace you or make it all better that you aren't here with us too. I want all my kids here with me. All three of them.
After you were born I spent many many nights awake in the middle of the night. I should have been up nursing a newborn, but instead I was up thinking. I couldn't turn my mind off to go to sleep. I was so tired, but couldn't sleep. So I wrote. I wrote Abby's book. I wrote this blog. Eventually it got better I was able to sleep at night again. All night.
After Felicity was born I was not able to sleep at night. I should have been sleeping since she was, but instead I was awake thinking of you. That's what is happening right now. She's sound asleep. I should be because I have so much sleep to catch up on, but I can't. I try everything I can think of, but my mind won't turn off.
A lot of what I'm thinking about is you. I wish you were here, but you're not. We are going to make sure that your little sister knows about you just as much as Abby does, though she won't have ever met you I hope that you will be such a normal part of her life that she tells people all about you when they ask her about her family.
I wanted to be able to take a picture at the hospital of all of my kids meeting their new baby sister. With Nathaniel bear as your stand in I was able to get the next best thing. You are still represented. Just as you will be in all of the important days and celebrations of our lives.
We talked about you a lot at the hospital. We told our nurses about you. We showed everyone Nathaniel bear and explained why he is special to us.
Before we left to go home we got to talking to our nurse about you and found out that two of the nurses that were there last year when you were born were there. One was your baby nurse. The one who had given you your first bath and gotten you ready for us to see you.
It was so good to see them. They remembered you and were so excited to see us again and meet your baby sister. We talked to them for so long that it was about two hours after we had been discharged that we got ready to leave to go home.
It reminded me of leaving the hospital last year. Just like last time, we could stay as long as we wanted. No one was making us leave at any particular time. Last year we eventually had to leave and we had to leave you there. This time we were bringing baby sister home with us.
I love you. I'll miss you forever no matter how many more kids I have.
Mommy
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| Birth day photos of all of my kids. |
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
14 Months
The births of my second and third children are exactly 14 months apart. There are so many similarities between the two days, but also so many drastic differences.
On February 6, 2014 we were unexpectedly sent to the hospital to have a baby. It was a boy. I was very done with the pregnancy and due in three days. I was excited as I walked into the labor and delivery floor. I was by myself. I was coming directly from a doctor's appointment. Abby was with Grandma and so excited to meet her baby brother. Dave was at work and not answering his phone. It was fine. He would eventually answer and come right over. We were ready. We had bags packed and with us at all times.
I was going to be induced. We were going to meet our baby in a few hours and then in a few days bring him home. That is not at all what happened. I was not induced, I had a c section. We met him that day, but he was not alive. He was not coming home. He was gone. In heaven. We left the hospital after shedding so many tears with so many people. Tears of grief.
Three days later, when we could stay no longer, we left Nathaniel at the hospital and went home. We were not the same, but everything looked the same from the outside. We were a family of four, but looked like a family of three.
Fast forward 14 months and we are back at the same hospital, but things are very different. Labor started by itself very quickly so we left our house with Abby and headed to the hospital. Abby was excited to meet baby sister. Grandma met us at the hospital, but they stayed in the waiting room. We didn't know if we were staying. When we got to labor and delivery we were not put in a room right away. We didn't know if we were having a baby that day.
It was determined that we were going to at least stay overnight, but we might be going home without a baby in the morning....at least an outside baby. We might just have to come back another day. I might have to continue with my worrying that there was something wrong and that this baby would die too. My doctors would also continue to worry and test and examine possible problems.
Labor continued, but we still didn't know if I was going to need to have a c section or if the baby was going to be born vaginally.
I continued to labor. I signed paperwork to consent to a c section if needed. I got and epidural. I worried that I would end up with a c section for hours. I worried that my baby would die. Again.
The hours passed. We were having a baby. It was taking a long time. She was probably not coming that day, but would be here by the next day.
At 3:57 am on April 6, 2015 our baby girl was born. Vaginally and alive. She was put on my chest and I cried. Tears of relief and happiness and hope.
I was no longer scared. I was no longer in pain. A huge weight had been lifted from me. I no longer had to count kicks twice a day to make sure she was still alive. She was here. I could see her and was no longer worried.
This baby is coming home. And because of her we are able to share the story of her brother with more people. He will live on. We will continue to tell his story. Now that story includes the story of his little sister, Felicity Hope, who is very much alive and currently sleeping on my lap.
On February 6, 2014 we were unexpectedly sent to the hospital to have a baby. It was a boy. I was very done with the pregnancy and due in three days. I was excited as I walked into the labor and delivery floor. I was by myself. I was coming directly from a doctor's appointment. Abby was with Grandma and so excited to meet her baby brother. Dave was at work and not answering his phone. It was fine. He would eventually answer and come right over. We were ready. We had bags packed and with us at all times.
I was going to be induced. We were going to meet our baby in a few hours and then in a few days bring him home. That is not at all what happened. I was not induced, I had a c section. We met him that day, but he was not alive. He was not coming home. He was gone. In heaven. We left the hospital after shedding so many tears with so many people. Tears of grief.
Three days later, when we could stay no longer, we left Nathaniel at the hospital and went home. We were not the same, but everything looked the same from the outside. We were a family of four, but looked like a family of three.
Fast forward 14 months and we are back at the same hospital, but things are very different. Labor started by itself very quickly so we left our house with Abby and headed to the hospital. Abby was excited to meet baby sister. Grandma met us at the hospital, but they stayed in the waiting room. We didn't know if we were staying. When we got to labor and delivery we were not put in a room right away. We didn't know if we were having a baby that day.
It was determined that we were going to at least stay overnight, but we might be going home without a baby in the morning....at least an outside baby. We might just have to come back another day. I might have to continue with my worrying that there was something wrong and that this baby would die too. My doctors would also continue to worry and test and examine possible problems.
Labor continued, but we still didn't know if I was going to need to have a c section or if the baby was going to be born vaginally.
I continued to labor. I signed paperwork to consent to a c section if needed. I got and epidural. I worried that I would end up with a c section for hours. I worried that my baby would die. Again.
The hours passed. We were having a baby. It was taking a long time. She was probably not coming that day, but would be here by the next day.
At 3:57 am on April 6, 2015 our baby girl was born. Vaginally and alive. She was put on my chest and I cried. Tears of relief and happiness and hope.
I was no longer scared. I was no longer in pain. A huge weight had been lifted from me. I no longer had to count kicks twice a day to make sure she was still alive. She was here. I could see her and was no longer worried.
This baby is coming home. And because of her we are able to share the story of her brother with more people. He will live on. We will continue to tell his story. Now that story includes the story of his little sister, Felicity Hope, who is very much alive and currently sleeping on my lap.
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| Our family - April 7, 2015 |
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Yet Another Funeral
Tomorrow, unless I am in the hospital having baby sister, I will be going to yet another funeral for the parent of a friend. It's also Nathaniel Day, but being so close to my due date I didn't really have much planned for the day and I accidentally scheduled a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. Abby and I were going to pick out something new and springy for Nathaniel's grave. We can probably still do that after my doctor's appointment.
This will be the third funeral that I have been to in the last 6 months and they have all been on the 6th of the month. Weird.
This will be the third funeral that I have been to in the last 6 months and they have all been on the 6th of the month. Weird.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Baby Shower Anxiety
I'm going to a baby shower today for my sister in law who is due in May. I'm excited about it and anxious at the same time. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle a shower for me right now. Will I be OK at one for someone else…who is having a boy? I don't know. I want to have fun, but haven't been to a baby shower since the one that was thrown for me for Nathaniel so I have no idea how I am going to react or if something will be a trigger for me. I seem to be OK seeing babies now so maybe it will be alright. I really hope so.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Nathaniel Day 13 - A Visit, Eating Out, and a Movie
You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12).
This month Nathaniel Day fell on a Friday. It was a little cold and Abby and I were both a little sick with colds so we didn't end up doing a whole lot.
We drove over to Nathaniel's grave. We hadn't been there for a while. I was going to clean the snow off and remove the little Christmas lights. I'm glad I decided to bring boots for both of us. There was more snow than I was anticipating and I didn't take into account the berm of plowed snow that we needed to climb over to get to his grave. The snow got mostly cleaned off, but the lights were too frozen into the ground to take out. I didn't have anything to replace them with anyway. Maybe next month we'll take them out. By then the snow should be all gone and we might want some springy decorations there anyway. I told Abby she could pick something new out. She was pretty excited about that.
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| Abby was very excited about her mac n cheese |
Before we left for the cemetery we ordered lunch online so that it would be ready to pick up when we got there. We made a quick stop to pick it up and then came home to eat our lunch and watch the movie that Abby had picked out the day before. We both had a fun afternoon relaxing and watching the movie.
When Dave got home he wanted to go out for dinner and get some fish (since it is Lent and you can find it everywhere) so we quick got in the car and went to Culvers. We had a good dinner and got some dessert to go since it was time to get home and watch the Amazing Race (Abby's favorite).
It was a pretty low key day, and I think they will be for a while (I have a doctor's appointment next month and then we will have a newborn), but we are going to keep doing something every month. I want Nathaniel Day to be something that both girls participate in for a long time. It doesn't have to be something big, but we need to do something.
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