Changes in Me

Losing a child changes you. I have always been an anxious person. I worry about new situations. I don't like talking to new people. I hate confrontation. In the past I was the quiet one. Unless I knew you for a long time, multiple years, I was going to feel uncomfortable talking to you so I probably wouldn't have.  I certainly wouldn't initiate a conversation.

Since losing Nathaniel this has changed a little. New things still make me uncomfortable, but I do them anyway because I need to. I still don't like talking to new people, but I'll do it. I have initiated conversations with strangers if I felt I could help them.

Yesterday at the pool there was a gang of big kids who were terrorizing the sand area. They were chasing each other with buckets of sand or water and throwing them. This went on for quite a while. No one was watching them. I was sitting next to the only other mom who was actually there with her child. We talked about how no one was watching what the kids were doing and how we might have to say something before someone got hurt. I certainly didn't think that it was going to be me.

The chasing and throwing kept going on. If anything it was getting worse. Now there were new people in the sand area with babies. They almost had sand thrown on them so I got up and said something to the boy who was doing the chasing at the time. He didn't like that I reprimanded him. He yelled something about it being America. Yes, kid it is, but that doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. It's still not ok to hurt people.

I sat down. I was shaken. I was in physical pain for a few minutes. This has happened a few other times lately. I am stressed and my back starts to hurt really badly.

This happened yesterday afternoon. I thought about it for the rest of the day. I'm still thinking about it today. I'm glad it's cold today so we can't go to the pool. If we went today I would be anxious the whole time that we are there.