Nathaniel Bear on Vacation

Last month we went to visit my family in Alaska. Since they live so far away the last time we saw some of them was when they came down for Nathaniel's funeral. None of them had seen Nathaniel bear so we decided to bring him along. I didn't want him to get lost so he came along in our carry-on suitcase with Felicity's diapers and our extra clothes.

While we were there a lot of people got to see him. We left him out in the living room at my parent's house the whole time that we were there. A couple people came over and my mom would show him off and make them hold him so they could feel how heavy he is. Often I would see my niece with him when she was over, holding him or hugging him. We also brought him to church with us on Sunday and to a picnic that afternoon so we got to share him with many people that I have known most of my life.

We took a family picture one day while we were there. Nathaniel bear was in it too. He was also in the grandkids picture and the extended family picture. I'm sure those pictures will be up in everyone's homes for a long time. It's not often that we are all together.

I'm glad that we brought him along on our trip even though we didn't do much with him while we were gone. It gave us a chance to talk about Nathaniel with people we wouldn't have otherwise like the TSA agent at the Anchorage airport. We don't have much chance to do that anymore. 

Late Night Thoughts

It's late. As I was trying to fall asleep I started thinking about Nathaniel and his life.  I couldn't sleep so I thought I would write it out. We'll see if it helps.

For a long time I thought that I didn't have any memories with him, but really I have a lot. Nathaniel didn't ever live outside of me, but he spent every single second of 39 weeks and 4 days with me. In those 277 days he did a lot with me.

Today I was thinking about all that we did last year while I was pregnant with him. We celebrated Mother's Day, my birthday, Father's Day, cousin Sammy's 1st birthday, Grandpa's birthday, Abby's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. We went to a wedding and a funeral. We flew on airplanes and rode trains and bikes. We went camping and to the beach. We slept in hotels, a camper, a tent, and relative's houses. We saw all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who live far away (most more than once). We went to museums to see art and fish and trains. We picked apples and cherries. We went swimming and played in the snow.

2013 was a big year. We did a lot of stuff and Nathaniel was there for all of it.

In Oklahoma for my Grandpa's funeral

Riding a train to Chicago with "Crazy" to spend the day at the Art Institute

Us and all of our Alaska family on Father's Day

My birthday

On a bike ride in Alaska with all the cousins

Nathaniel hiked a mountain

At Matt and Anoosh's wedding

Grandpa's birthday - the day we told people that Nathaniel was coming

Abby's birthday

Camping

Riding a train at the Illinois Railway Museum

Thanksgiving

Christmas

Fun in the snow

Having fun with our friend at the Children's Museum
(the last picture I can find when I was still pregnant with Nathaniel, a little over a month before he was born)

Meeting Friends

It's been an emotional couple of days for me and I didn't know why right away. I think I figured it out.

We have good friends that live out of the country and have for almost 10 years. I visited them once, not long after they moved, but it's expensive and a very long trip so whenever they are in the country we try to go see them. A 6 hour drive is much more doable than a 30 hour plane trip for us right now. The last time we saw them I was pregnant with Abby. They are here now for a couple of weeks. We were able to make a quick trip to see them this weekend. I don't know if we would have made this trip with a infant. Maybe we wouldn't have been able to see them this time. Who knows.

So today our friends met Abby in person for the first time. They should have met both of our kids. They should have also met Nathaniel and not by reading his story and looking at all his pictures. Times like this remind me all over of what should have been and it makes me sad.

Nathaniel Day 6 - Turkey Run State Park

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here, here, here, and here.

We decided that since this was the 6 month anniversary that we would do something a little bigger this month for Nathaniel Day. We decided to go camping as a family. Dave suggested Turkey Run State Park in Indiana. I hadn't been there before so I looked it up. It looked like fun and there were sites available during the week so we reserved a site for 3 nights.

We decided to leave our house some time on Tuesday so that we would have all day Wednesday to do fun things and not spend hours driving in the car. We got there about dinner time and were able to set up our tent before it got dark.

Wednesday was a beautiful day. We had a relaxing morning around the campground and then went over to the State Park to explore the trails. We visited the nature center to figure out which trails we wanted to go on and then hiked for most of the afternoon. We all had fun. Abby did a great job hiking. She only rode in the backpack for an hour at most.

Thursday we went swimming and then drove to Indianapolis to meet a friend at the Indianapolis Children's Museum. It happened to be free night that day. We played with boats and construction equipment and climbed and slid down lots of slides. We got some dinner on the way back and went to bed as soon as we got back. We were all tired out from all the fun.

Friday we packed up the site and then went over to the park for a little bit. We explored the lodge, played some games, did part of a jigsaw puzzle, and then went for a little hike before we needed to head home. The trip back was mostly uneventful. About halfway back Abby was really tired and was crying for quite a while because she wanted to go home and take a rest in her bed. There was no consoling her. She did eventually fall asleep in the car, but it took a long time. We got home about dinner time. Abby was so excited to see that "her girls" were outside. She played outside for a long time while we made dinner and unloaded the car.

We are still trying to unpack and put stuff away. We're not really in a hurry, but our house is a little filled with camping gear at the moment.

It's Not July Anymore

The past couple of months have seemed to fly by. In my head it is still July, but at the same time I know that it isn't. I seems like we just celebrated Nathaniel day for July and now it's coming up again in a couple of days.

Since I've been thinking that it is July I haven't done much planning for our camping trip because it's not until August. The trip is this week. I still have to get food to eat and find all the camping stuff in the garage and figure out what to bring. I'm sure it will all get done, but if it is left up to me this time it might be done not very well and at the last minute. Good thing Dave is taking the day off the day we leave and can help get stuff ready to go and packed up or we will not be ready to go until the end of the day.

Busy Week

Next Wednesday will be 6 months since Nathaniel died. It's come up on us quickly. We have big plans to go camping as a family for a few days. I'm sure that will be fun. Up until we leave may be a little stressful though. I still have to figure out if there is anything else that we want to do while we are there, make plans with friends in the area, wash clothes so that we have something to wear, plan what we are going to eat and go grocery shopping, and take my car in to get the brakes checked so I'm not scared to drive it for a road trip. On top of that we are going to a wedding this weekend and babysitting for a friend tonight.

It certainly doesn't help that I can't seem to make myself go to bed at night lately. I have stayed up until about midnight all week and then woken up before 7 most days for no reason (or because Abby wakes me up for some pressing need while Dave is in the shower). I'm tired all afternoon and then when it's a decent time go to bed I'm not tired any more. I really need to break that cycle.

Busy Start to the Summer

Time has been flying by lately. It seems like it was just May. Now it's July.

June was an eventful month.

• We said goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa and their truck and camper. 
• We went swimming.
• We went to the farmer's market.
• We went to a museum for Nathaniel Day.
• We went to the pool.
• We went to the farmer's market in the rain.
• We celebrated Father's Day.
• We went swimming with Grandma.
• We met with the high risk doctor. 
• We went to our grief group meeting.
• We went to the library.
• We went swimming.
• We celebrated my birthday. 
• We played at the park.
• We watched a movie at the library.
• We went swimming.
• We took the train downtown. 
• We went to the art museum.
• We went swimming.
• I saw a play. 
• We went swimming.
• Abby stayed with Grandma and Grandpa for the weekend while Dave and I drove to Minnesota and back. 
• We went swimming with Grandma and Nick.
• We had a picnic at the park.
• We went swimming.

I think we are getting good use our of our pool pass this year. I just looked and we went 10 times in June.

In the midst of all that I also managed to exercise nearly every day and post on here. I'm pretty proud of myself. 

Living With Fear

I think I have always been a fairly fearful person. In the past I have definitely avoided certain things because I was scared of them. I, in some ways, picked to major in science because I didn't have to take a speech class. I was terrified of speaking in front of people. I did end up having to give a big presentation in front of all of the other science majors. I hated it. It stressed me out the whole semester. I did the presentation and did terribly, I think I ended up with a C in that class, but I didn't care. It was done. I would never have to do that again.

I have since decided that I can't let fear control me. I can't live in constant fear of what might happen or I will never do anything. Bad things can and do happen, but we need to live life in spite of that fact. If I had let fear control me I wouldn't have done some amazing things. I wouldn't have flown to China by myself to visit friends. I wouldn't have gotten married. I wouldn't have had children.

In the past 4 1/2 months I have done so many things that were scary. At first everything was scary. If I had allowed fear to rule my life I would have never left the house. With Abby that was just not possible. She was not going to let me stay in the house all day every day so we went, first to story time at the library and then the park and then on field trips with "school". Soon it wasn't hard any more. Now we are out of the house all the time.

Everything is scary now. I am irrationally afraid of everything. I conquer fear every day when I let Abby do things alone. I can't be afraid that Abby is going to get kidnapped or hurt any time that she is out of my sight. I have to let her have some freedom to explore and be by herself. If I didn't I would never get to exercise or shower since she doesn't nap anymore.

Last week I drove with Dave to Minnesota. Parts of the drive were scary. I thought we were going to crash and die so many times. We weren't. Dave was driving carefully. I finally realized that I just needed to close my eyes and trust that we were going to be fine. I did and I calmed down. With my eyes closed I couldn't see how close the cars in front of us were. I couldn't see the unnecessary braking and the pouring rain.

Yesterday I did two scary things. Abby and I went to the pool and Grandma and my nephew met us there. He is old enough to go down the big slides. He went once with Grandma and then he convinced me to go down the tube slide with him. I don't know why I said I would. I really didn't want to. I knew it would be scary. But he wanted to so I did. We walked up the steps to the top of the slide. I really didn't want to go down. If I had been by myself I probably would have turned around and gone back down. I didn't. I got in the tube and the attendant pushed us down. It was terrifying. It went way too fast, but I made it. When we got off my hands were shaking and they didn't stop for a few minutes. I don't think I will be doing that again any time soon.

The second thing was that I, without too much hesitation, told a very pregnant woman about Nathaniel. We were sitting on the edge of the pool talking while our kids were playing. I don't think I freaked her out too much. She did ask what had happened and if it was possible to happen to her and if there were tests to take. I think it was a good conversation. It's probably a conversation that more people should have. It shouldn't be assumed that after a certain amount of time a live baby is a certainty. I should probably told her the importance of kick counting, but I didn't and then the conversation went somewhere else.

Up With the Sun

I just realized that yesterday was the first time that i let myself grieve for Nathaniel all day long. I didn't have to worry about Abby or what to eat or what i was doing. I'm glad. I think it was good for me. It was nice to be able to think about him all day long. I cried more yesterday than in a long time. I will probably be more emotional than I have been in a while for the next couple of days. I might not sleep well again, but that's ok.

I saw the sun rise this morning. I not a morning person, but since February I have seen the sun come up many many times. It has been a while since I woke up that early though. Yesterday gave me a lot to think about.

Every time I am up before the sun I think about Nathaniel. I think that if he had lived I might be up feeding him. I probably wouldn't have today. Dave would have probably been the one up with him. With Abby, I was the one who stayed up late, Dave took the early morning shift. He is an early person. I am not. It worked well last time. We probably would have done the same thing with Nathaniel.

We're Going

The trip to Minneapolis is happening. Tickets to the Summit have been purchased. Hotel reservations have been made. Grandma offered to have Abby stay with them while we are gone.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited to meet people who understand. Scared because it's something new. New is always scary for me.

Next Time Will Be Different

With both of our pregnancies we have waited to tell people for quite a while. With Abby we didn't find out until 8 weeks. We told our families almost right away and friends after we reached the "safe zone" of 13 weeks.

Last summer Dave's brother was getting married. We were also going to Alaska to visit my family. We had just found out for sure that we were pregnant with Nathaniel about a week before we went on vacation, but didn't want to tell anyone until we had the first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat. The appointment was a week after we got back. The wedding was the next week. We decided to wait until after the wedding to tell people so that we didn't steal the attention from the couple at the wedding. We didn't want to tell my family before we had told anyone else so it was a secret for quite a while.

It was hard to keep it secret. I was sick a lot. There were a lot of things that I just couldn't do on vacation. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I did do quite a bit. We went bike riding and hiking with my sisters. I just had to do it a lot slower than I would have liked.

If we get pregnant again we will be telling people right away. Before I didn't want to tell people and then have to untell them if I miscarried so I waited until it was "safe". I now know that there is no time that is safe. For me it is better for people to know. I need to be able to have people around me who know what is going on and are there for me.

Thinking of Going on a Trip

A month or so after Nathaniel was born I was clicking through baby loss websites and came across the Star Legacy Foundation, a non-profit organization working on stillbirth awareness and research. They are having a conference for medical professionals, counselors, and families in a few weeks in Minneapolis. I didn't think of signing up. I don't like going to things like that. They are scary with all the new people and unknown situations. I get anxious just thinking about it.

I was looking at the agenda for the last day of the conference today. A lot of it is for families. I think it could be really helpful. It might be good to meet some other families too. Scary, but good.

Maybe I'll go. Maybe the whole family will.