A New Book

A new resource for bereaved parents has just come out in the last week. I have been wanting to write about it here for a long time, but wanted to wait until it had been officially published.

It is a collection of essays written by a group of 26 people who have lost a child, some in pregnancy, some in infancy, and some later in life.  It was written to give those that are new in their grief some hope for the future. Each essay was written to describe one aspect of life in the first year after loss.

I found out about this book when there was a call for essays to be submitted in an online group that I am a part of. The editor of the book was specifically asking for essays from fathers. I forwarded the information on to Dave. He decided to write one and out of several hundred entries, his essay was accepted to be part of the book and one of only two from the perspective of a father.

The book is now available. We are eagerly awaiting its arrival at our house, hopefully in the next couple of days.

Scars

I really didn't want to ever have a c section, but I had one with Nathaniel. It was an all around horrible experience. I did not want to have to go through any of that again with this pregnancy so I was determined that I was going to try for a VBAC.

I had another reason to not want one too, but I didn't share this reason with anyone until after Felicity was born. I didn't want a c section because I didn't want to lose the scar that I have from Nathaniel. It's the only physical reminder that I have that he really did exist. I didn't make it up or imagine it. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like I did.

Now Felicity is here. There was lots of c section talk for her whole pregnancy even up until an hour before she was born, but I didn't have to have one. She ended up to be a successful VBAC in the end. I still have my Nathaniel scar and I'm happy about that.

14 Months

The births of my second and third children are exactly 14 months apart. There are so many similarities between the two days, but also so many drastic differences.

On February 6, 2014 we were unexpectedly sent to the hospital to have a baby. It was a boy. I was very done with the pregnancy and due in three days. I was excited as I walked into the labor and delivery floor. I was by myself. I was coming directly from a doctor's appointment. Abby was with Grandma and so excited to meet her baby brother. Dave was at work and not answering his phone. It was fine. He would eventually answer and come right over. We were ready. We had bags packed and with us at all times.

I was going to be induced. We were going to meet our baby in a few hours and then in a few days bring him home. That is not at all what happened. I was not induced, I had a c section. We met him that day, but he was not alive. He was not coming home. He was gone. In heaven. We left the hospital after shedding so many tears with so many people. Tears of grief.

Three days later, when we could stay no longer, we left Nathaniel at the hospital and went home. We were not the same, but everything looked the same from the outside. We were a family of four, but looked like a family of three.

Fast forward 14 months and we are back at the same hospital, but things are very different. Labor started by itself very quickly so we left our house with Abby and headed to the hospital. Abby was excited to meet baby sister. Grandma met us at the hospital, but they stayed in the waiting room. We didn't know if we were staying. When we got to labor and delivery we were not put in a room right away. We didn't know if we were having a baby that day.

It was determined that we were going to at least stay overnight, but we might be going home without a baby in the morning....at least an outside baby. We might just have to come back another day. I might have to continue with my worrying that there was something wrong and that this baby would die too. My doctors would also continue to worry and test and examine possible problems.

Labor continued, but we still didn't know if I was going to need to have a c section or if the baby was going to be born vaginally.

I continued to labor. I signed paperwork to consent to a c section if needed. I got and epidural. I worried that I would end up with a c section for hours. I worried that my baby would die. Again.

The hours passed. We were having a baby. It was taking a long time. She was probably not coming that day, but would be here by the next day.

At 3:57 am on April 6, 2015 our baby girl was born. Vaginally and alive. She was put on my chest and I cried. Tears of relief and happiness and hope.

I was no longer scared. I was no longer in pain. A huge weight had been lifted from me. I no longer had to count kicks twice a day to make sure she was still alive. She was here. I could see her and was no longer worried.

This baby is coming home. And because of her we are able to share the story of her brother with more people. He will live on. We will continue to tell his story. Now that story includes the story of his little sister, Felicity Hope, who is very much alive and currently sleeping on my lap.

Our family - April 7, 2015

Passing Tests

This week I had a doctor's appointment. When I got there the receptionist handed me a form to fill out. I was late and was trying to get our coats off so I didn't look at it right away. It turned out to be a questionnaire to determine post-partum depression. I don't know why I was given the questionnaire. Usually it is given to mom's soon after they have given birth. It's been almost a year for me. It had been a hard week so I knew that my answers to questions about how I have been feeling over the past 7 days were not going to be positive. I quickly filled it out.

Here are the questions (The answers are a scale from always to never):

In the past 7 days:

1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things
2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things
3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong
4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason
5. I have felt scared or panicky for no very good reason
6. Things have been getting on top of me
7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping
8. I have felt sad or miserable
9. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying
10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me

Source: Cox, J.L., Holden, J.M., and Sagovsky, R. 1987. Detection of postnatal depression: Development of the 10-item Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. British Journal of Psychiatry 150:782-786 .

2Source: K. L. Wisner, B. L. Parry, C. M. Piontek, Postpartum Depression N Engl J Med vol. 347, No 3, July 18, 2002, 194-199

When the doctor came in she told me that I had almost failed. I scored a 9 out of 30. 10 is when they make you do something. She asked if anything was going on. I reminded her that it's been almost a year since Nathaniel died and told her that it's been hard for me lately with that milestone coming up. She was understanding and told me that under the circumstances that a 9 was actually pretty good.

I don't know why this screening tool is used on loss moms. It can't be accurate. Of course I am sad, but I am not depressed. I do not need medication. I am grieving.

277 Days

Nathaniel was born at 39 weeks and 4 days (277 days gestation). Today it has been 39 weeks and 4 days since Nathaniel died. That is the same amount of time I was pregnant with him. As of tomorrow it will always be longer that he has been gone than he was with us.

Today, after he has been gone for 277 days, we got our Nathaniel bear. I don't think this is a coincidence. I think it was supposed to take an extra week to get to us so that he would get here on this day exactly 39 weeks and 4 days after he went to heaven.

Finally in Place

We got a call from the cemetery this morning to tell us that Nathaniel's marker had been placed. After 5 1/2 months of waiting it is finally there. We were able to go see it this afternoon. That was much harder than I had anticipated. I didn't expect to break into tears the second that I saw it. The other times that we have been to the cemetery, and we have been there several times but not for a few months, I have been fine. Today I was not.

I guess it was kind of a big day. There's really nothing else for us to do for him now. We will continue to do things because of him all the time, but really nothing else will be for him ever again.

An Unexpectedly Good Day

I was thinking on the way home from grief group tonight that today was a really good day. It wouldn't appear that way to many people. My day started with going to a funeral and ended going to a grief group. But it really was a good day.

At the funeral in the morning I got to be with some of my good friends to support them on a really hard day. I was reminded of Nathaniel and cried a lot through the morning, but that's ok. I was there. I understand how important just showing up is.

In the afternoon we went apple picking as a family for Nathaniel Day and had a lot of fun. Grandma was able to come with us too. We had a fun time outside on a beautiful fall day.

Then to end the day I went to grief group. There I was able to share a lot about Nathaniel. I had brought my book and by the end of the night nearly everyone had read it. I got so many hugs and was able to tell people about all the things we are doing because of Nathaniel and the legacy that he has already.

Lots of Mondays

In the last 7 months I have made myself do so many things that I didn't want to do because I knew that I needed to. I have forced myself to ask for help and reach out to people. Tonight I will be doing it again.

A friend who graduated college with me unexpectedly lost her husband about a week before we lost Nathaniel. She lives near us. I contacted her after a month or so. We have been talking about going to a grief group together for a few months. We are finally going to go. Tonight is our first meeting. I'm sure it will be good to go, but strange to be in a group where the losses are all different. The group Dave and I have been going to at the hospital is just for parents who have lost babies.

The group tonight is for anyone who has lost a family member so Grandma is coming too. So for the next 12 Mondays we will be going. If we can find someone else to babysit Dave will come too.

We Miss Him All Day

Tonight at dinner Abby was talking about Baby Brother. She told us that he died and that she saw him at the doctor's office and that they had to take him out of Mommy and that Mommy has a red line. Then she said "I miss him all day."

Yes Abby, we do too. All day. Every day.

Waiting

It seems that in dealing with the cemetery they are either really fast (picking a plot, finding a date for the service) or really slow (getting a marker made). We ordered Nathaniel's stone in the beginning of May. We were told that we would have a proof by the end of the month. We got one in August. Since it  took so long I kind of just wanted to say it was fine and get it made, but it wasn't fine. The font bothered me. I figured we were paying for it and if it bothered me now it would probably bother me years from now so we told them and they are going to redo it.

It's been a few weeks now. I figured we would have it back already, but we don't. It should take about 5 minutes to change a font, but realistically it will probably be months before we see anything again. When we do, I probably won't like it. Even if it's exactly what we picked it won't be what I want. Nothing would be.

I don't want to be picking out a headstone for my son's grave. What I want is for him to be here with us, but he's not and he never will be.

6 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

Happy half birthday! It's hard to believe that it has been six months now since you were born. Six months you have been in heaven while we are left behind here on earth. 

At first six months seemed like an eternity. How could we possibly make it six whole months without you? Somehow we have. Some days it has been really hard. Other days have been easier. But day by day we are figuring out what it means to live life without you here with us. We are trying really hard to spread hope and joy to others that are hurting. I think we are succeeding.

Abby talks about you all the time. She carries your picture around  and tells everyone she meets all about baby brother "Afanel". 

We all miss you so much and wish that we were with you. Someday we will be. It won't seem long to you. For us it will seem like forever.

Mommy

A Loss is a Loss

There seems to be a hierarchy in the loss community. There are those that lost a child through an early miscarriage and then there are those that have lost a child after 20 some weeks. It seems to me that the two groups are not seen as equal. The miscarriages seem to be treated as lesser. I feel that is not right. All of them have lost a child or children. They are all hurting because of it. Losing a child is painful. A loss is a loss whether at 1 day, or 9 months, or 26 years.

For those who have had a miscarriage, people around them might not know what they are going through. They might not have told anyone about the pregnancy before the baby was gone. Their families may not even know. I would think that would be a very hard place to be. I, at least, know that nearly everyone around me knows about Nathaniel so if I am sad or can't handle a situation people might know why.

If you have lost a child, I am sorry. I might not understand exactly what you are going through, and you might not understand my situation, but ultimately we are the same. We are both a parent to a child who is not here with us. We don't need to compare our stories to know that we have both lost something that we can't get back. My situation is not better or worse than yours. We are both in pain.

My Pain is His Pain

At church we have been going through the sermon on the mount for months. I don't remember if it started before or after Nathaniel died, but every single week it's something that I need to hear. This past Sunday the sermon was on Matthew 7:7-11.

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Our pastor said something that stuck with me. He said that if we are God's children that our pain is His pain. He knows it, He feels it, and it hurts Him. I had never before thought that what I am going through now is painful to God too. It helps to know that He hurts for me and with me. That doesn't mean He is going to take the pain away. I don't know that I would really want Him to anyway.

(If you would like to listen to the message, they are recorded each week and put on the church's website. You should be able to listen to it online soon.)

Making Lists

I don't get anything done anymore. It was bad when I was pregnant, but it is so much worse now. I'm distracted all the time by all the thoughts that are constantly in my head and can't seem to remember anything. Or if I do remember it is at a time when I can't actually complete the task. Like when I'm at the park or the pool. It doesn't matter what it is or how important it is to get it done. I will probably forget about it.

I've found that lists help. At least if I have a list to look at I might remember the important things like making appointments and paying bills before they are late. It might still take me days or weeks to get through the list, but eventually things get done.

Getting to Good

For the longest time when asked how we are doing, the best we could say was ok. We weren't terrible, but we weren't good either. A lot of days were bad. Some were terrible days when Abby was not cooperating and I just wanted to cry all day. Those days have been happening less and less. There are still bad days, but they don't seem to be quite as severe or happen as often as they did at first.

Lately when asked how I'm doing, I have been able to truthfully say good. Most days I am pretty good. I'm feeling good. I'm happy. I have fun. We are learning to live with the pain and enjoy life in the midst of it.

I Will Not Hide My Grief

Since Nathaniel died I have heard about so many other babies that died. Many of those are from people that I know. I had no idea that they had gone through that. I don't know why baby loss has to be a secret. 

Nathaniel is not going to be a secret. I am not going to let that happen. I am going to talk about him. I will probably cry and that's ok. I will probably make people uncomfortable sometimes, but I don't care. He is part of our family. He always will be. 

I Was Wrong About Babies

I thought I was ok around babies. They never seemed to bother me. I was wrong. I learned today that I can not be in the same room as a very small baby that is crying. If the baby is quiet and I can not look at him/her I can pretend that the baby is not there. I think that is how I had been dealing with the babies that I would see around me. I would not look or walk away and go somewhere else. That doesn't work in a small space with a crying baby. There is no escape. Today I had to go outside to get away or I was going to start crying in the middle of a group of strangers at a bridal shower.

It was a nice day and a friend who understood what was going on came with me. We had a nice conversation outside in the sunshine for a while and then went back in to the party. The baby had stopped crying and I no longer felt like I could break into tears at any moment.

So now I know that I can not handle babies. There aren't any babies at church right now, but soon there will be one. I worked in the nursery until a few weeks before Nathaniel was born and was going to take a break for a while anyway. Now I know that break might be really long. I may never be able to do it again. I really hope not.

Parties and Grief

I am going to a bridal shower today for a friend from church. I want to go and I think I'll have fun, but I'm scared. There are going to be new people there. There might be questions asked that if I answered them how I wanted to would make a happy occasion sad. I don't want to ruin the party.

Denial Would Be So Easy

It would be so easy to put away all the baby stuff and traces of Nathaniel from the house and deny that he died. I could pretty easily pretend that the last year didn't happen. I have no baby. I have no birth certificate. I've lost most of the pregnancy weight. It could have all been a really bad dream.

But I can't do that. That would be denying that he existed at all. I can't do that. I will take the pain that comes with acknowledging his life since that means acknowledging his death.

Even if I took away all the physical proof I still couldn't deny it happened. All I have to do is look down at my belly and see the scar. The scar from the c section that I desperately didn't want to happen at the time, but after the fact am so grateful for. It is fading, but will never disappear completely. I will always carry a reminder of him with me. God must have known that I would need it.

Hope for the Grieving

In the past month we have heard of two other families that have lost babies. This is just friends of people at church and our church is small.

I don't want to be the resource for families going through this, but that seems to be what God wants us to do so I contact the strangers or tell the friends that they can give out our information. I really don't want to, but I need to give people hope. That is a big reason that I started this blog.

So many people are hopeless when their child dies. Their life is over. It has no meaning. That is not us. We don't feel that way at all. If anything the loss of Nathaniel has given our lives deeper meaning and passion to help people that wasn't there before.

We can make it through this. It's terrible and it hurts, but God is good and he is with us. He will help us through this if we let him.