Two Years

Happy birthday Nathaniel!

Today you would be two. It's hard to believe that it has been two whole years that you have been gone. It really doesn't feel like it most of the time.

We aren't having a big party this year like we did for your 1st birthday, but we are going to celebrate with family and a couple of friends. Abby is so excited for your birthday. When I got up she ran and excitedly told me "It's baby brother's birthday today!". She's been counting down for days. Today she's been asking all day when it was time to go pack meals for kids for your birthday party. We're not going until after lunch. That's a long time for her to wait. The last couple of days she and I have been working on making you a cake. She decided that you would like a chocolate George cake and that she would blow out your candles for you.

A while ago I signed you up for a birthday club so about two weeks ago you got a birthday card from Geoffrey Giraffe. It will probably be the only card you get each year, but that's ok. I considered bringing it into the store to get you the crown and balloon that are part of the gift, but ran out of time. The cake took longer to make than I was expecting and your baby sister is teething and not sleeping well so we have been having a hard time leaving the house lately. I was going to let Nathaniel bear wear the crown and hold the balloon for the party and then bring the balloon to your grave afterwards.

I miss you so so much.

Mommy

P.S.  - You have a new baby cousin. He was born this week. He was born on Great Grandpa's birthday and is named after you. Not many two year olds have a namesake so that's pretty cool.

Baby Shower Anxiety

I'm going to a baby shower today for my sister in law who is due in May. I'm excited about it and anxious at the same time. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle a shower for me right now. Will I be OK at one for someone else…who is having a boy? I don't know. I want to have fun, but haven't been to a baby shower since the one that was thrown for me for Nathaniel so I have no idea how I am going to react or if something will be a trigger for me. I seem to be OK seeing babies now so maybe it will be alright. I really hope so.

7 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

Today you would have been 7 months old. (It's hard to believe that it's been that long though I think I accidentally told some people 8 months so maybe it feels even longer than it has been.) You would probably be having fun at all the places we go, getting into stuff, and putting everything in your mouth. I would probably have to be watching you carefully all the time.

You are no longer the youngest in our extended family. You have a new cousin. She was born a few weeks ago. You are still the littlest though. She was much bigger than you when she was born. You will always be an 8 pound 2 ounce newborn to me.

We had a lot of fun remembering you today. We did lots of things that you would have probably enjoyed. We rode on streetcars and ate yummy food and played at museums. Grandma and Grandpa even came with us for part of it.

Tomorrow is Abby's birthday. I think that you would have had fun helping her open her presents and playing with all the paper and boxes. Maybe she would have shared and let you play with her new toys a little though some are little and not for babies.

We still miss you so much, but somehow the missing you is getting easier to live with. We wish you were here with us, but know that you are much better off in heaven.

Mommy

I Was Wrong About Babies

I thought I was ok around babies. They never seemed to bother me. I was wrong. I learned today that I can not be in the same room as a very small baby that is crying. If the baby is quiet and I can not look at him/her I can pretend that the baby is not there. I think that is how I had been dealing with the babies that I would see around me. I would not look or walk away and go somewhere else. That doesn't work in a small space with a crying baby. There is no escape. Today I had to go outside to get away or I was going to start crying in the middle of a group of strangers at a bridal shower.

It was a nice day and a friend who understood what was going on came with me. We had a nice conversation outside in the sunshine for a while and then went back in to the party. The baby had stopped crying and I no longer felt like I could break into tears at any moment.

So now I know that I can not handle babies. There aren't any babies at church right now, but soon there will be one. I worked in the nursery until a few weeks before Nathaniel was born and was going to take a break for a while anyway. Now I know that break might be really long. I may never be able to do it again. I really hope not.

Babies at Church

Last Sunday we were out of town at the Stillbirth Summit. We considered not going to church, but the conference had been held at a church so we knew where one was and looked up the times and it would work for us leaving early enough to get back home at a reasonable hour. We decided to go.

We have not been to other churches very often lately. The last time was Christmas Eve. Our church wasn't having a service and I wanted to go to one so we did. It wasn't what we expected and it certainly wasn't our church. It made us realize how much we like our church. (That hasn't always been the case.)

I certainly wasn't prepared for what happened at the church we went to on Sunday. At the service we went to there was a baby dedication and a memorial service for an elderly man who had recently died. I had just spent the whole day before in that same room thinking about Nathaniel and death and grief. I wasn't expecting the same thing at church.

I had used all the kleenex in my purse and hadn't gotten more before the service started. I had thought about getting more, but I hadn't cried at church in a few weeks so I thought I would be ok. Nope. Not ok. When the baby dedication started and pictures came up on the screen I lost it. The baby being dedicated was a boy, probably about the same age as Nathaniel would have been. It was so hard to see the family standing on stage and the pictures that we will never have scrolling on the screen behind them. We should be that family. Instead we are going to conferences about stillbirth and grief.

I wasn't expecting the reaction I had to the baby that I didn't know. I have been ok seeing babies in my normal everyday life and pictures of babies online. Sometimes they make me a little sad, but nothing like this. I hope I don't have the same reaction when I see the new babies that should be coming soon that I will be seeing all the time.

Next Time Will Be Different

With both of our pregnancies we have waited to tell people for quite a while. With Abby we didn't find out until 8 weeks. We told our families almost right away and friends after we reached the "safe zone" of 13 weeks.

Last summer Dave's brother was getting married. We were also going to Alaska to visit my family. We had just found out for sure that we were pregnant with Nathaniel about a week before we went on vacation, but didn't want to tell anyone until we had the first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat. The appointment was a week after we got back. The wedding was the next week. We decided to wait until after the wedding to tell people so that we didn't steal the attention from the couple at the wedding. We didn't want to tell my family before we had told anyone else so it was a secret for quite a while.

It was hard to keep it secret. I was sick a lot. There were a lot of things that I just couldn't do on vacation. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I did do quite a bit. We went bike riding and hiking with my sisters. I just had to do it a lot slower than I would have liked.

If we get pregnant again we will be telling people right away. Before I didn't want to tell people and then have to untell them if I miscarried so I waited until it was "safe". I now know that there is no time that is safe. For me it is better for people to know. I need to be able to have people around me who know what is going on and are there for me.

Everything is Too Easy Sometimes

It might sound strange, but sometimes I think that my life is too easy right now. Usually the thought comes to me when I am somewhere fun with Abby, like the children's museum or the pool. I should be the mom juggling nursing her baby while making sure the preschooler doesn't dart off somewhere, but I'm not. I can play with her or just sit on a bench and watch her play with the other kids. So sometimes I sit and watch, thinking about what I thought life was going to be like and it makes me sad.

Other days I'm grateful for the easiness. I'm a little sick right now. With a baby I would not be getting as much sleep at night and I would have many more things to do during the day. Abby can be self sufficient most of the time. She knows how to turn on the TV and where her yogurts are in the refrigerator so if I need extra sleep I can have it. She will be fine. She will come get me if she needs something and then I can go back to sleep.

I can exercise. Every day if I want to. I know this is not something everyone can do. I'm grateful for it. It's helping me from feeling crazy. I can do an exercise video at home while Abby is "napping" or I can go for a 23 mile bike ride by myself and not have to worry about needing to be home at a certain time to feed a baby.

I can spend hours writing and connecting with people online. Maybe I would be able to do that with a baby maybe not.

I'm choosing to see the positives, but it's hard. It helps a little. Sometimes.