Two Years

Happy birthday Nathaniel!

Today you would be two. It's hard to believe that it has been two whole years that you have been gone. It really doesn't feel like it most of the time.

We aren't having a big party this year like we did for your 1st birthday, but we are going to celebrate with family and a couple of friends. Abby is so excited for your birthday. When I got up she ran and excitedly told me "It's baby brother's birthday today!". She's been counting down for days. Today she's been asking all day when it was time to go pack meals for kids for your birthday party. We're not going until after lunch. That's a long time for her to wait. The last couple of days she and I have been working on making you a cake. She decided that you would like a chocolate George cake and that she would blow out your candles for you.

A while ago I signed you up for a birthday club so about two weeks ago you got a birthday card from Geoffrey Giraffe. It will probably be the only card you get each year, but that's ok. I considered bringing it into the store to get you the crown and balloon that are part of the gift, but ran out of time. The cake took longer to make than I was expecting and your baby sister is teething and not sleeping well so we have been having a hard time leaving the house lately. I was going to let Nathaniel bear wear the crown and hold the balloon for the party and then bring the balloon to your grave afterwards.

I miss you so so much.

Mommy

P.S.  - You have a new baby cousin. He was born this week. He was born on Great Grandpa's birthday and is named after you. Not many two year olds have a namesake so that's pretty cool.

Big Brother Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

You are now a big brother. Baby sister is here now. She decided to come on Nathaniel day so you're going to have to be a big brother and share. Sometimes the 6th will have to be about both of you now.

We named your baby sister Felicity Hope (not Rudolph like Abby wanted). She is a great baby. She eats and sleeps well. And she's really really cute. We love her, but she doesn't replace you or make it all better that you aren't here with us too. I want all my kids here with me. All three of them.

After you were born I spent many many nights awake in the middle of the night. I should have been up nursing a newborn, but instead I was up thinking. I couldn't turn my mind off to go to sleep. I was so tired, but couldn't sleep. So I wrote. I wrote Abby's book. I wrote this blog. Eventually it got better I was able to sleep at night again. All night.

After Felicity was born I was not able to sleep at night. I should have been sleeping since she was, but instead I was awake thinking of you. That's what is happening right now. She's sound asleep. I should be because I have so much sleep to catch up on, but I can't. I try everything I can think of, but my mind won't turn off. 

A lot of what I'm thinking about is you. I wish you were here, but you're not. We are going to make sure that your little sister knows about you just as much as Abby does, though she won't have ever met you I hope that you will be such a normal part of her life that she tells people all about you when they ask her about her family.

 We brought Nathaniel bear to the hospital with us when I went into labor. I had bought him a little brother shirt. I wanted a big brother one, but I couldn't find one little enough to fit him. Abby has a big sister shirt and there was a little sister one for baby sister when she came. 

I wanted to be able to take a picture at the hospital of all of my kids meeting their new baby sister. With Nathaniel bear as your stand in I was able to get the next best thing. You are still represented. Just as you will be in all of the important days and celebrations of our lives.

We talked about you a lot at the hospital. We told our nurses about you. We showed everyone Nathaniel bear and explained why he is special to us.

 Before we left to go home we got to talking to our nurse about you and found out that two of the nurses that were there last year when you were born were there. One was your baby nurse. The one who had given you your first bath and gotten you ready for us to see you. 

It was so good to see them. They remembered you and were so excited to see us again and meet your baby sister. We talked to them for so long that it was about two hours after we had been discharged that we got ready to leave to go home. 

It reminded me of leaving the hospital last year. Just like last time, we could stay as long as we wanted. No one was making us leave at any particular time. Last year we eventually had to leave and we had to leave you there. This time we were bringing baby sister home with us.

I love you. I'll miss you forever no matter how many more kids I have.

Mommy

Birth day photos of all of my kids.

1 Year

Happy birthday baby boy! It's hard to believe that it's been a year since you were born. Today we don't have much planned. Abby and I are going to do something fun this morning and we will go out for dinner as a family tonight. 

On Sunday we are going to have a big birthday party for you. We invited 100 people! Presents have already started coming in from people who are not able to make it. We asked people to give board books that we can donate to the library. I have a feeling that the library is going to have a whole lot of new books next week.

We miss you and wish you were here so we could all celebrate your birthday together.

Mommy

11 Months

Nathaniel,

Today it is 11 months without you. It  snowed over the weekend (and last night) so Abby and I were going to spend the day playing in the snow. It has been really cold so I don't know if we will now, but Abby wants to shovel the driveway, so I will probably let her soon and we can see if we will have fun outside for a while later. If not we might have a tea party inside the house where it is warmer. Those are the best options I can think of on a cold January day. Really I just want to stay home and do nothing today, but that is probably not a good idea. I've been a bit of a mess lately so I really need to do something fun.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Your birthday is coming up pretty soon. It's hard to believe that it has almost been a year since we saw you and held you. We are planning on having a party and donating books to the library in memory of you. We might pick some out today.

Mommy

10 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

You're going to be a big brother. I want you to know that just because there is going to be another baby doesn't mean we have forgotten you. We think and talk about you all the time. I think we will for the rest of our lives. I certainly hope so. You are our son and always will be. We just found out this week that the baby is a girl. In a few more months you are going to have a baby sister.

It's really hard for Mommy right now. Last year at this time we were getting ready for you to come home. People were excited. You got presents for Christmas from relatives. This year we are decorating your tree and hanging up a stocking for you, but there won't be any presents for you from us under our tree. I doubt anyone else will get you anything either and that makes me sad. I think it will make me even sadder if your baby sister, who isn't here yet, gets presents and you don't. People, other than us, certainly talk more about her than you now.

Today it has been 10 months since you were born. We are going to decorate your little tree in the backyard with lights and ornaments for Christmas. A while ago Mommy and Daddy and Abby went shopping. We each picked out a special ornament for your tree. We invited other people to come help decorate and hang an ornament for you too. We'll soon see if anyone else comes.

Mommy

7 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

Today you would have been 7 months old. (It's hard to believe that it's been that long though I think I accidentally told some people 8 months so maybe it feels even longer than it has been.) You would probably be having fun at all the places we go, getting into stuff, and putting everything in your mouth. I would probably have to be watching you carefully all the time.

You are no longer the youngest in our extended family. You have a new cousin. She was born a few weeks ago. You are still the littlest though. She was much bigger than you when she was born. You will always be an 8 pound 2 ounce newborn to me.

We had a lot of fun remembering you today. We did lots of things that you would have probably enjoyed. We rode on streetcars and ate yummy food and played at museums. Grandma and Grandpa even came with us for part of it.

Tomorrow is Abby's birthday. I think that you would have had fun helping her open her presents and playing with all the paper and boxes. Maybe she would have shared and let you play with her new toys a little though some are little and not for babies.

We still miss you so much, but somehow the missing you is getting easier to live with. We wish you were here with us, but know that you are much better off in heaven.

Mommy

6 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

Happy half birthday! It's hard to believe that it has been six months now since you were born. Six months you have been in heaven while we are left behind here on earth. 

At first six months seemed like an eternity. How could we possibly make it six whole months without you? Somehow we have. Some days it has been really hard. Other days have been easier. But day by day we are figuring out what it means to live life without you here with us. We are trying really hard to spread hope and joy to others that are hurting. I think we are succeeding.

Abby talks about you all the time. She carries your picture around  and tells everyone she meets all about baby brother "Afanel". 

We all miss you so much and wish that we were with you. Someday we will be. It won't seem long to you. For us it will seem like forever.

Mommy

5 months

Dear Nathaniel,

You've been in heaven now for 5 months. I'm sure you are having a great time up there. We miss you down here on earth. This past month has been really hard. I have been thinking about you a lot. I read about other babies that were born in February and hear about what new things they are doing now - rolling over and sitting up and maybe trying out baby food for the first time. What are you doing? Are you still a baby? You will always be a newborn baby to me.  

Abby and Mommy and Daddy are going to go do something fun to remember you today.  After church we are going to go play with Legos. Abby is going to love it. I think you would have too.

We love you and will be thinking about you all day.

Mommy

A Letter From Daddy

Dave told me I could share his letter to Nathaniel with you so here it is. I will also put it on the page with mine.

Dearest Nathaniel,

I was all ready to share with you two very important topics you would need to know. The first is a need for a savior. Nathaniel you are always going to be perfect. No sin in this life but being born, the condition is you are born into sin. But God so loved the world that He gave us a savior. You are there with Jesus now. Anything else I have to tell you about our savior you already know. When I sat down with you to explain more one evening I stopped. I realized you could actually tell me more  about Him than I could tell you about Him. The second thing I had to tell you is that mommy and daddy love you so very much. That is why this is so hard. I had so many things I was looking forward to teaching you. So many things to experience with you. I was also looking forward to so many things you would share with me. 

The other day Abby was talking about baby brother. When she said you were not coming home as we had told her before. I asked her if she remembered where you were. She said we left you at the dentist. I suppose if you're at the dentist you'd have some very clean, white teeth. Maybe you can help her brush her teeth. What she remembers is that mommy had a dentist appointment the day before you were born, and Abby went with. To her, you must have slipped out of mommy's tummy there and that is how we lost you.

Oh to be able to go pick you up from there or anywhere would be wonderful. But that is not our reality. You got to go to heaven before me. Heaven is a place I know I will one day experience. To know that you are there makes it even more special. That I can meet my savior, and see you there will be awesome. We can one day share in that and I treasure that notion.

To Abby, you were going to come out walking, and loving to play trains, and wanting to play with rubber duckies in the bathtub. To me, you were going to love our early mornings while mommy slept in. We'd talk about God, how to be nice to mommy and your sister, and what it means to grow up. 

Nathaniel, you will be remembered. You will always be a blessing. You will always be loved. I can close my eyes and see you in my arms. Perfectly formed, perfectly loved, and since your birth experiencing perfect love.


With love, 
your daddy