Baby Shower Anxiety

I'm going to a baby shower today for my sister in law who is due in May. I'm excited about it and anxious at the same time. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle a shower for me right now. Will I be OK at one for someone else…who is having a boy? I don't know. I want to have fun, but haven't been to a baby shower since the one that was thrown for me for Nathaniel so I have no idea how I am going to react or if something will be a trigger for me. I seem to be OK seeing babies now so maybe it will be alright. I really hope so.

Nathaniel's 1st Birthday Party

This month has gone by quickly. I just realized that it is going to be March in a couple of days and I haven't posted about the big birthday party yet. So here you go. Sorry for the long wait.

Thank you to everyone who came to the party and celebrated with us, and to those who supported us from far away with messages and donations. We appreciate all of you.

Nathaniel's party had a hot air balloon theme. We invited about 100 people and about 40 showed up on Sunday afternoon for the party. We all had a lot of fun.

We colored balloon pictures, played pin the kid on the balloon, and had a piñata (which got broken accidentally right before we were going to do it, but was luckily able to be fixed with lots of tape). We had snacks, sang happy birthday (Abby blew out the candle on the cake), and had cake and cupcakes.



There was so much food left over. We still have a couple pieces of cake in our refrigerator now and that is after Dave brought a bunch to work a couple of times and we gave some to friends.

People brought books for us to donate to our local library. We also got some donations of books and money from family and friends that were not able to make it to the party.

Abby had fun unwrapping all of the books. Then she would make us read each one to her three times.







We were also given a few other gifts for Nathaniel's birthday. My sister and her family gave us this angel and child figurine. (We got a similar one for Christmas from my other sister.)

My friend Krystal and her family had some trees planted in a National Forest in Michigan for him.









I brought 42 books over to the library last week along with some cash donations. We have since gotten a few more books so are up to 44 now. The librarians were very excited to get all the new board books. And somehow we only got two duplicates.

After they are processed each one will have a book plate in it that says that they were donated in memory of Nathaniel. I'm excited to possibly be able to check out books for baby sister that were donated for Nathaniel.

Nathaniel Day 12 - a Play and Dinner

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11).

This month for Nathaniel Day Abby and I went to go see some kids from church perform in the play hairspray. We had a good time. Abby was very excited when she saw the kids on stage. "He goes to my church!" She said the play was "like the Wiggles" with the singing and dancing. For some reason she didn't take her coat or hat off the entire hour and a half play and only took her mittens off at the end.

We spent the afternoon doing a little prep work for the birthday party. Abby helped wash all the strawberries, cut some cheese, and put crackers in a bowl.





After the party prep we (maybe just I) took a nap for a while until Dave came home.

Dave had made dinner reservations for us at Buca di Bepo, a fun Italian restaurant not too far from us. It was Abby's first time there. She was convinced they had macaroni and cheese. We weren't so sure, but she was right. They had it on the kid's menu. We all had lots of delicious food and even decided to get some cheesecake for dessert since we were celebrating Nathaniel's birthday. It was gigantic. All three of us shared it and we still brought half home.

Abby's kid's mac n cheese.

Our dinner: Chicken with artichokes and bacon with lemon sauce. 

The other half of our dinner: four different filled pastas

10 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

You're going to be a big brother. I want you to know that just because there is going to be another baby doesn't mean we have forgotten you. We think and talk about you all the time. I think we will for the rest of our lives. I certainly hope so. You are our son and always will be. We just found out this week that the baby is a girl. In a few more months you are going to have a baby sister.

It's really hard for Mommy right now. Last year at this time we were getting ready for you to come home. People were excited. You got presents for Christmas from relatives. This year we are decorating your tree and hanging up a stocking for you, but there won't be any presents for you from us under our tree. I doubt anyone else will get you anything either and that makes me sad. I think it will make me even sadder if your baby sister, who isn't here yet, gets presents and you don't. People, other than us, certainly talk more about her than you now.

Today it has been 10 months since you were born. We are going to decorate your little tree in the backyard with lights and ornaments for Christmas. A while ago Mommy and Daddy and Abby went shopping. We each picked out a special ornament for your tree. We invited other people to come help decorate and hang an ornament for you too. We'll soon see if anyone else comes.

Mommy

7 Months

Dear Nathaniel,

Today you would have been 7 months old. (It's hard to believe that it's been that long though I think I accidentally told some people 8 months so maybe it feels even longer than it has been.) You would probably be having fun at all the places we go, getting into stuff, and putting everything in your mouth. I would probably have to be watching you carefully all the time.

You are no longer the youngest in our extended family. You have a new cousin. She was born a few weeks ago. You are still the littlest though. She was much bigger than you when she was born. You will always be an 8 pound 2 ounce newborn to me.

We had a lot of fun remembering you today. We did lots of things that you would have probably enjoyed. We rode on streetcars and ate yummy food and played at museums. Grandma and Grandpa even came with us for part of it.

Tomorrow is Abby's birthday. I think that you would have had fun helping her open her presents and playing with all the paper and boxes. Maybe she would have shared and let you play with her new toys a little though some are little and not for babies.

We still miss you so much, but somehow the missing you is getting easier to live with. We wish you were here with us, but know that you are much better off in heaven.

Mommy

This Time Last Year

I don't remember many of the dates for Nathaniel's pregnancy. I remember his due date. Everything else is a blur. I don't remember exactly when we knew for sure that we were pregnant. I just remember that it was at the end of May, a couple weeks before we went to visit my family in Alaska. I do remember the day that we told our families. It was August 10th. We were at a kite festival to celebrate Dave's dad's birthday. Had it not been partially done at a birthday party I probably wouldn't have remembered that. 

Today is Dave's dad's birthday. There is going to be a party at the kite festival again this year. His family remembered the significance of this day and we were told that we don't have to come if it's too hard. I appreciate that, but I think we'll be fine.

Bubbles for Colton

In the last 6 months I have met a lot of loss moms online. One I know had a stillborn boy last August, almost exactly 6 months before we lost Nathaniel. Today baby Colton would have been 1.

I see a lot of similarities between our families. We both have a living child who is about 4. We both lost our second child. Both were boys. Both were stillborn. We both have blogs. And we both have some pretty great faith.

His family is having people blow bubbles for him today and take pictures so we did. You can too. If you do, send them to me and I can pass them on to them. It would mean a lot.

Signing Nathaniel's Name

We went to a friend's wedding today. Abby came too. At the reception the guest book was a book where you could write a note and make pictures using your thumbprints. Abby helped me make ours. We were making hearts and ended up with four. I was going to do one for each of us but Abby was having too much fun with the fingerprints. Then I decided that four was good since there really are four of us so I wrote our names under the hearts, Nathaniel included. That's the first time I have signed something and included him. I wasn't sure I was going to include him at first, but he is a part of our family. If he had lived he would have been at the wedding too.

I don't know what I'll do in the future. I'm sure I will include him somehow. I just don't know how yet.

Sending Christmas Presents From Nathaniel

Every year as a family we make shoe boxes to send overseas to kids in need with Operation Christmas Child. I collect stuff all year to put in them. Whenever I find a really good deal on something that would be good for them I buy a bunch and put it in a box in the closet. I was at the grocery store recently and they had carts of little girl's sandals for free. I got a bunch. They should fit some little girl. So into the box they went.

Before Nathaniel was born I had bought some presents for him for Christmas this year. In the collection are some books that are great for babies. They are made of special rip-proof paper  that is even washable. They are picture books. They have no words so should be great in boxes. It doesn't matter what country they will end up going to. They are now in the box.

Back to school sale season is here. There will be lots of great deals on school supplies for the next month or so. I will get a bunch of notebooks and pencils, markers and crayons, scissors and glue when they are cheap and they will all go in the box too.

I think I'm going to need a much bigger box this year. It's already overflowing with what I've collected so far and that's after I gave away some of the school supplies that were left over from last year to send to Guatemala with the team from church.

Want to help us send presents? You can make boxes yourself or you can collect stuff and give it to us and we can pool everything and make lots of boxes. Collection week isn't until November so you have lots of time. Last year I think we made 8 as a family. I don't really have a goal of how many to do this year, but I want to do lots and lots for Nathaniel. We won't be buying presents for him this year (or ever) so we can use what we would have spent to send love and hope and joy to little children around the world who don't have anything. If they get a shoebox gift it might be the only present that they have ever gotten in their life.

If you would like more information contact me using the form at the bottom of the page or go to the Operation Christmas Child website.

Birthday Dilemmas

I have been thinking of some possibilities of things to do for the Nathaniel Days coming up. I have some ideas for August and October, but September might be hard. September 7th is Abby birthday. I don't want her birthday to be overshadowed by Nathaniel Day. I don't want her to feel forgotten or left out in the midst of us trying to remember him. At least this year the 6th and 7th are weekend days so we could do something both days.

I Was Wrong About Babies

I thought I was ok around babies. They never seemed to bother me. I was wrong. I learned today that I can not be in the same room as a very small baby that is crying. If the baby is quiet and I can not look at him/her I can pretend that the baby is not there. I think that is how I had been dealing with the babies that I would see around me. I would not look or walk away and go somewhere else. That doesn't work in a small space with a crying baby. There is no escape. Today I had to go outside to get away or I was going to start crying in the middle of a group of strangers at a bridal shower.

It was a nice day and a friend who understood what was going on came with me. We had a nice conversation outside in the sunshine for a while and then went back in to the party. The baby had stopped crying and I no longer felt like I could break into tears at any moment.

So now I know that I can not handle babies. There aren't any babies at church right now, but soon there will be one. I worked in the nursery until a few weeks before Nathaniel was born and was going to take a break for a while anyway. Now I know that break might be really long. I may never be able to do it again. I really hope not.

Parties and Grief

I am going to a bridal shower today for a friend from church. I want to go and I think I'll have fun, but I'm scared. There are going to be new people there. There might be questions asked that if I answered them how I wanted to would make a happy occasion sad. I don't want to ruin the party.

Happy Birthday to Me?

It seems that Abby can sense when I'm having a bad day. The days I am extra sad or emotional tend to be when she is extra whiny and doesn't listen at all. Today is one of those days. She was fine this morning until we needed to leave the library to come home and eat lunch. I had to physically remove her from the building and then she wouldn't get in her seat in the car.

After lunch I couldn't stand the whining and crying any more so I told her that she needed to take a rest for a while and that if she listened we would go to the park later. (It's cold and overcast so the pool is not an option.)

I got a little break while she was resting and then we hooked up the trailer to the bike and rode to a park near us. Now I am going to lay on the grass and relax while Abby plays in the sand. She'll have fun and wear herself out. We don't have to worry about when we get home. Dave is making dinner tonight since it's my birthday.

My day is getting better.

Firsts Are Hard

There have been quite a few firsts for us this year without Nathaniel. None of them are new to us. They are all things that we have celebrated before, but this year they are hard days. The days we have to try to get through. The days we miss him the most. The first Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, and now Father's Day.

My birthday is next week. It will be the first birthday that we have celebrated as a family since February. I am dreading it. I don't want to do anything. I really don't want to celebrate. I'm thinking it is going to be harder than any other day so far this year. I should plan something fun, but we have so many other things going on next week that I think trying to plan something will just stress me out.

The morning is already planned. There is story time at the library. We always go to that. If it's a nice day Abby and I will probably go to the pool in the afternoon. She's been actually playing in the water a lot more this year. That could be distracting and fun. If it rains I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I will pack for our trip the next day. We are only going to be gone for two days so that shouldn't take too long.

I think I'll be praying for sunshine for Thursday.

Next Time Will Be Different

With both of our pregnancies we have waited to tell people for quite a while. With Abby we didn't find out until 8 weeks. We told our families almost right away and friends after we reached the "safe zone" of 13 weeks.

Last summer Dave's brother was getting married. We were also going to Alaska to visit my family. We had just found out for sure that we were pregnant with Nathaniel about a week before we went on vacation, but didn't want to tell anyone until we had the first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat. The appointment was a week after we got back. The wedding was the next week. We decided to wait until after the wedding to tell people so that we didn't steal the attention from the couple at the wedding. We didn't want to tell my family before we had told anyone else so it was a secret for quite a while.

It was hard to keep it secret. I was sick a lot. There were a lot of things that I just couldn't do on vacation. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I did do quite a bit. We went bike riding and hiking with my sisters. I just had to do it a lot slower than I would have liked.

If we get pregnant again we will be telling people right away. Before I didn't want to tell people and then have to untell them if I miscarried so I waited until it was "safe". I now know that there is no time that is safe. For me it is better for people to know. I need to be able to have people around me who know what is going on and are there for me.