Big Brother Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

You are now a big brother. Baby sister is here now. She decided to come on Nathaniel day so you're going to have to be a big brother and share. Sometimes the 6th will have to be about both of you now.

We named your baby sister Felicity Hope (not Rudolph like Abby wanted). She is a great baby. She eats and sleeps well. And she's really really cute. We love her, but she doesn't replace you or make it all better that you aren't here with us too. I want all my kids here with me. All three of them.

After you were born I spent many many nights awake in the middle of the night. I should have been up nursing a newborn, but instead I was up thinking. I couldn't turn my mind off to go to sleep. I was so tired, but couldn't sleep. So I wrote. I wrote Abby's book. I wrote this blog. Eventually it got better I was able to sleep at night again. All night.

After Felicity was born I was not able to sleep at night. I should have been sleeping since she was, but instead I was awake thinking of you. That's what is happening right now. She's sound asleep. I should be because I have so much sleep to catch up on, but I can't. I try everything I can think of, but my mind won't turn off. 

A lot of what I'm thinking about is you. I wish you were here, but you're not. We are going to make sure that your little sister knows about you just as much as Abby does, though she won't have ever met you I hope that you will be such a normal part of her life that she tells people all about you when they ask her about her family.

 We brought Nathaniel bear to the hospital with us when I went into labor. I had bought him a little brother shirt. I wanted a big brother one, but I couldn't find one little enough to fit him. Abby has a big sister shirt and there was a little sister one for baby sister when she came. 

I wanted to be able to take a picture at the hospital of all of my kids meeting their new baby sister. With Nathaniel bear as your stand in I was able to get the next best thing. You are still represented. Just as you will be in all of the important days and celebrations of our lives.

We talked about you a lot at the hospital. We told our nurses about you. We showed everyone Nathaniel bear and explained why he is special to us.

 Before we left to go home we got to talking to our nurse about you and found out that two of the nurses that were there last year when you were born were there. One was your baby nurse. The one who had given you your first bath and gotten you ready for us to see you. 

It was so good to see them. They remembered you and were so excited to see us again and meet your baby sister. We talked to them for so long that it was about two hours after we had been discharged that we got ready to leave to go home. 

It reminded me of leaving the hospital last year. Just like last time, we could stay as long as we wanted. No one was making us leave at any particular time. Last year we eventually had to leave and we had to leave you there. This time we were bringing baby sister home with us.

I love you. I'll miss you forever no matter how many more kids I have.

Mommy

Birth day photos of all of my kids.

Including Nathaniel

Our church has been working on making a new directory with pictures. They have been working on it for over a year and it seems like it really might be out soon. I got a note the other day about it asking if we wanted to include Nathaniel in it. I really appreciated the question. Right away I thought that of course I did, but then I thought about it more and talked to Dave about it. We have decided that he doesn't need to be in there. I still kind of want him to be listed because he is part of our family so I feel like I should include him, but almost everyone at church knows about Nathaniel. They don't need to look in the directory to remember him.

Since the directory has a family picture in it this makes the decision a little easier. The only family pictures we have with Nathaniel in them are from the hospital and I really don't want that to be the way new people identify me. Maybe I'll use the picture we used for our Christmas cards last year. Technically Nathaniel is in it. You just can't see him.

Listing the names of your family members and finding (or taking) a family picture should be easy. That is not the case for us any more. So many things that should be easy and require little to no thought are now gut wrenching decisions for me.

Finally Up

It took us about 7 months, but we finally have Nathaniel's pictures that were displayed at his memorial service up in the house. They have been sitting on the floor in the back room for months. Today we found places for them in the house. Abby wanted one in her room. She picked the one with both of our hands holding him. The ones of Nathaniel with just me and just Dave went up on the family picture wall in the living room. Now we just need a more recent one of Abby up there. All of the ones that are there are from when she was a baby.