Babies at Church

Last Sunday we were out of town at the Stillbirth Summit. We considered not going to church, but the conference had been held at a church so we knew where one was and looked up the times and it would work for us leaving early enough to get back home at a reasonable hour. We decided to go.

We have not been to other churches very often lately. The last time was Christmas Eve. Our church wasn't having a service and I wanted to go to one so we did. It wasn't what we expected and it certainly wasn't our church. It made us realize how much we like our church. (That hasn't always been the case.)

I certainly wasn't prepared for what happened at the church we went to on Sunday. At the service we went to there was a baby dedication and a memorial service for an elderly man who had recently died. I had just spent the whole day before in that same room thinking about Nathaniel and death and grief. I wasn't expecting the same thing at church.

I had used all the kleenex in my purse and hadn't gotten more before the service started. I had thought about getting more, but I hadn't cried at church in a few weeks so I thought I would be ok. Nope. Not ok. When the baby dedication started and pictures came up on the screen I lost it. The baby being dedicated was a boy, probably about the same age as Nathaniel would have been. It was so hard to see the family standing on stage and the pictures that we will never have scrolling on the screen behind them. We should be that family. Instead we are going to conferences about stillbirth and grief.

I wasn't expecting the reaction I had to the baby that I didn't know. I have been ok seeing babies in my normal everyday life and pictures of babies online. Sometimes they make me a little sad, but nothing like this. I hope I don't have the same reaction when I see the new babies that should be coming soon that I will be seeing all the time.

Finding Nathaniel

In the first couple of weeks after Nathaniel died I was on the internet a lot. I would spend hours and hours reading blogs of others who had lost babies and articles about grief. Sometimes there would be a link to some organization about stillbirth or baby loss in general. That is how I found the Star Legacy Foundation, the organization that put together the Stillbirth Summit.

On their website there are stars in the background. Each of those stars has a name of a baby attached to it. I added Nathaniel's information then I found the information about the memorials that they were doing for the babies at the Summit so I filled out his information for a star to hang there and a balloon to be released at the end. At that time I had no intention of going, but they were going to acknowledge Nathaniel's life so I needed to do it. I put his name anywhere there was a place to put it. I needed to see his name written by someone other than me. There are not many chances for that when your baby is stillborn. So far we had his name on the death certificate (though we don't get a birth certificate) and one piece of mail from a donation in his name. That is all.

At the end of the Stillbirth Summit there was a balloon release for all the babies of those who were there and those who's names had been submitted online. There were hundreds of balloons. Those that had been submitted online had the names written on them by a volunteer. If you were there you could write on a balloon for yourself.

There he is!

I hadn't looked to see if Nathaniel's balloon had been made. I couldn't remember if I had filled out the form for one for him. It had been months since I had done that and I only remembered doing the star. After lunch Dave and I were going to make a balloon for him. We walked over to the lobby where the balloons were and there his was. We didn't have to search for it. For the second time that day I had found him without trying at all.

Dave about to release Nathaniel's balloon into the sky.

Hundred of balloons flying away.

The Secret Club

I am part of a club. An exclusive club. One that no one knows about until they have to join it.

This club is wonderful, but no one really wants to be a part of it and we really never want it to get any bigger. We like everyone too much to want them in our club. We would not wish what we have gone through, the death of a baby or babies, on our worst enemies.

I have met so many wonderful women through the loss community. Most I met online and have not met in person, but we have an instant connection. We understand where the others are and what they are feeling when most of those around us don't.

I noticed this at the Stillbirth Summit. Usually talking to new people is really hard for me. There it wasn't. Everyone there had a similar story. We could talk about our babies without feeling judged or trying to hold back the tears.

When we first got to the conference there were two sessions going on at the same time. Dave went to one, I went to the other. The woman I sat next to needed something hard to write on and I had Abby's book in my purse so I gave it to her to use. After we were done with the session she gave it back to me and asked about it. I told her how I had written it for Abby and she told me that she had a 6 year old and had just lost her second child last year. We talked about how hard it is to be a parent to our other children when you are grieving and how hard it is to have to tell them over and over again that their baby brother or sister is not ever coming home. I felt like we were instant friends though we might never see each other again. I felt this way with every single person that I met while we were there.

I'm Glad I Don't Have a Job

I am glad that I don't have a job outside the home right now. I'm a stay at home mom to Abby and have been since she was born. I don't have to deal with corporate policies and different kinds of leave this time. If I had lost my first child I don't know what I would have done. I can't imagine having to be back at work right away. I assume I would have still gotten maternity leave, though I had no baby at home, but I really don't know since I haven't had to live through that.

At the Stillbirth Summit bereavement leave in the United States was brought up and the fact that FMLA leave can't be used if you have a child that dies. People at the conference are trying to change that. There is legislation being worked on right now to include stillbirth and the death of a child under FMLA. You can sign a petition here.

According to the government a child that is stillborn doesn't exist. They are not included in statistics about infant deaths. You don't get a birth certificate or a social security number. You don't qualify for FMLA. You don't get to claim them on your taxes for that year. You can not add them to your health insurance so any medical bills you get for them you will have to pay yourself. Their birth is not a qualifying event for changing your health benefits.

I didn't know any of these things before Nathaniel. Now we know some of them firsthand and some through the experiences of other loss parents. Things need to change. Our babies existed. They were born. That needs to be recognized. You should not have to fight for the acknowledgement that the full term baby that you gave birth to and held in your arms existed.

A Star For Nathaniel

At the Stillbirth Summit there were stars hanging from the ceiling in the lobby. Each one was submitted by someone around the world who had lost a baby. There were hundreds and hundreds. I had submitted Nathaniel's name a long time ago so I knew his star was there somewhere. I didn't get a chance to look for it when we got there in the morning. The conference had already started. Then at a break Dave was standing at the edge of the stars. I went over to him, looked up, and there it was. It was quite a ways above my head and moved around a lot so it was hard to take a picture, but eventually I got a good, clear one.

More stars in the lobby, hiding in the corner.

After the conference was done another couple was looking for their daughter's star. They were looking for a long time and couldn't find it. Dave and I decided to help them look. We looked all over. After a while I looked way up high and I found it! I'm glad that I was able to help. I think they would have searched until they found it even if that took hours.