Firsts Are Hard

There have been quite a few firsts for us this year without Nathaniel. None of them are new to us. They are all things that we have celebrated before, but this year they are hard days. The days we have to try to get through. The days we miss him the most. The first Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, and now Father's Day.

My birthday is next week. It will be the first birthday that we have celebrated as a family since February. I am dreading it. I don't want to do anything. I really don't want to celebrate. I'm thinking it is going to be harder than any other day so far this year. I should plan something fun, but we have so many other things going on next week that I think trying to plan something will just stress me out.

The morning is already planned. There is story time at the library. We always go to that. If it's a nice day Abby and I will probably go to the pool in the afternoon. She's been actually playing in the water a lot more this year. That could be distracting and fun. If it rains I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I will pack for our trip the next day. We are only going to be gone for two days so that shouldn't take too long.

I think I'll be praying for sunshine for Thursday.

Mother's Day is Just Like Every Other Day

Sunday was Mother's Day. It wasn't too bad. I was expecting to feel much worse. After church a good friend came up and gave me a hug and asked me how I was doing. I told him I was ok. He said that he knew today was hard for me. And then he said something like "every day is hard, isn't it?". I told him that it was. I'm glad that he acknowledged that not just the holidays are hard without your child. Every single day is a day without Nathaniel. Every day is hard.

I miss him.

I miss him when I wake up in the morning

I miss him when I go to sleep at night

I miss him when I am playing at the park with Abby

I miss him when I see babies at story time at the library

I miss him at church

I miss him when I do things all by myself

I miss him when we do fun things as a family

I miss him on the sixth of every month

I miss him when I talk about him to friends and family

I miss him when I don't talk about him to people I have just met

I miss him every time I walk past his room

I miss him when Abby takes things out of his room that she isn't supposed to have to play with

I miss him when I see pictures of babies

I miss him when I watch TV

I miss him when I look at the scar from my IV or c section

I miss him when I get something from the pantry and see his picture on the wall

I just miss him.

And I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.