The First Day of School

Yesterday was Abby’s first day of school. In our district kindergarten starts the day after everyone else so today would have been Nathaniel’s first day of kindergarten. I woke up feeling terrible with the start of a migraine. I was expecting today to be hard, but it was worse than I was expecting so I decided to make it like a Nathaniel Day. 

Felicity wanted to go to the park so we walked / biked to our neighborhood park down the street and played for a while. Then went to Culver’s for lunch and frozen custard. 

After some fresh air and frozen custard I’m feeling much better.

Passing Tests

This week I had a doctor's appointment. When I got there the receptionist handed me a form to fill out. I was late and was trying to get our coats off so I didn't look at it right away. It turned out to be a questionnaire to determine post-partum depression. I don't know why I was given the questionnaire. Usually it is given to mom's soon after they have given birth. It's been almost a year for me. It had been a hard week so I knew that my answers to questions about how I have been feeling over the past 7 days were not going to be positive. I quickly filled it out.

Here are the questions (The answers are a scale from always to never):

In the past 7 days:

1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things
2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things
3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong
4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason
5. I have felt scared or panicky for no very good reason
6. Things have been getting on top of me
7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping
8. I have felt sad or miserable
9. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying
10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me

Source: Cox, J.L., Holden, J.M., and Sagovsky, R. 1987. Detection of postnatal depression: Development of the 10-item Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. British Journal of Psychiatry 150:782-786 .

2Source: K. L. Wisner, B. L. Parry, C. M. Piontek, Postpartum Depression N Engl J Med vol. 347, No 3, July 18, 2002, 194-199

When the doctor came in she told me that I had almost failed. I scored a 9 out of 30. 10 is when they make you do something. She asked if anything was going on. I reminded her that it's been almost a year since Nathaniel died and told her that it's been hard for me lately with that milestone coming up. She was understanding and told me that under the circumstances that a 9 was actually pretty good.

I don't know why this screening tool is used on loss moms. It can't be accurate. Of course I am sad, but I am not depressed. I do not need medication. I am grieving.

It's Back

I had terrible insomnia for weeks after Nathaniel died. I would wake up nearly every day in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep for hours. I would wake up and start thinking of things instantaneously. I couldn't stop the thoughts and go back to sleep. It was terrible. Eventually I was prescribed sleeping pills to help. After a week or so of those I was able to 8 hours of sleep again and slowly I stopped taking them.

I haven't had problems sleeping for a few months. Then in the last week or so I am back to waking up early, or in the middle of the night, with a head full of thoughts that I can't turn off. Yesterday I was pretty much up for the day at 3:30. Today was early too, but at least the sun was up.

I have a lot on my mind right now. I need to figure out a way to deal with it during the day so that it doesn't effect my sleep. I don't do well on little sleep.

The Golden Rule

Lately I get a lot out of the sermons at church. There is always at least a little something that is said that speaks to me and I try to apply to my life. Today was no exception.

Today the sermon was on the golden rule (Matthew 7:12):
12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

It was explained that in the passage Jesus is not telling us to not do things to other people that we wouldn't want them to do to us; He is telling us to go out of our way to treat people the best way that we can. We should love, value, affirm, encourage, support, care for, forgive, listen to, talk to, respect, understand, etc. in the way we would want them to do to me. We are to go out of our way to help.

I have been striving to do this lately. In the past 6 months I have been much more aware of the pain and suffering of those around me and I've tried to help in any way that I can, even if it's just telling someone that I've been thinking of them. It's a little thing, but I know how much that has meant to me.

Busy Week

Next Wednesday will be 6 months since Nathaniel died. It's come up on us quickly. We have big plans to go camping as a family for a few days. I'm sure that will be fun. Up until we leave may be a little stressful though. I still have to figure out if there is anything else that we want to do while we are there, make plans with friends in the area, wash clothes so that we have something to wear, plan what we are going to eat and go grocery shopping, and take my car in to get the brakes checked so I'm not scared to drive it for a road trip. On top of that we are going to a wedding this weekend and babysitting for a friend tonight.

It certainly doesn't help that I can't seem to make myself go to bed at night lately. I have stayed up until about midnight all week and then woken up before 7 most days for no reason (or because Abby wakes me up for some pressing need while Dave is in the shower). I'm tired all afternoon and then when it's a decent time go to bed I'm not tired any more. I really need to break that cycle.

Making Lists

I don't get anything done anymore. It was bad when I was pregnant, but it is so much worse now. I'm distracted all the time by all the thoughts that are constantly in my head and can't seem to remember anything. Or if I do remember it is at a time when I can't actually complete the task. Like when I'm at the park or the pool. It doesn't matter what it is or how important it is to get it done. I will probably forget about it.

I've found that lists help. At least if I have a list to look at I might remember the important things like making appointments and paying bills before they are late. It might still take me days or weeks to get through the list, but eventually things get done.

Getting to Good

For the longest time when asked how we are doing, the best we could say was ok. We weren't terrible, but we weren't good either. A lot of days were bad. Some were terrible days when Abby was not cooperating and I just wanted to cry all day. Those days have been happening less and less. There are still bad days, but they don't seem to be quite as severe or happen as often as they did at first.

Lately when asked how I'm doing, I have been able to truthfully say good. Most days I am pretty good. I'm feeling good. I'm happy. I have fun. We are learning to live with the pain and enjoy life in the midst of it.

Getting to Know the New Me

I no longer know myself. I don't know how I am going to react in any given situation. Is it going to stress me out? Will I cry? Will I need to leave? I don't know what I'm capable of or what I can handle anymore. I can write now and initiate conversations with strangers. Can I do other things I couldn't before? Am I willing to try?

It's hard to one day have something happen to you and all of a sudden be a different person. I knew the old me for almost 37 years. The new me I've only had 5 months to get to know. I think it will take a long time before I know who I am again.