Including Nathaniel

Our church has been working on making a new directory with pictures. They have been working on it for over a year and it seems like it really might be out soon. I got a note the other day about it asking if we wanted to include Nathaniel in it. I really appreciated the question. Right away I thought that of course I did, but then I thought about it more and talked to Dave about it. We have decided that he doesn't need to be in there. I still kind of want him to be listed because he is part of our family so I feel like I should include him, but almost everyone at church knows about Nathaniel. They don't need to look in the directory to remember him.

Since the directory has a family picture in it this makes the decision a little easier. The only family pictures we have with Nathaniel in them are from the hospital and I really don't want that to be the way new people identify me. Maybe I'll use the picture we used for our Christmas cards last year. Technically Nathaniel is in it. You just can't see him.

Listing the names of your family members and finding (or taking) a family picture should be easy. That is not the case for us any more. So many things that should be easy and require little to no thought are now gut wrenching decisions for me.

Making Lists

I don't get anything done anymore. It was bad when I was pregnant, but it is so much worse now. I'm distracted all the time by all the thoughts that are constantly in my head and can't seem to remember anything. Or if I do remember it is at a time when I can't actually complete the task. Like when I'm at the park or the pool. It doesn't matter what it is or how important it is to get it done. I will probably forget about it.

I've found that lists help. At least if I have a list to look at I might remember the important things like making appointments and paying bills before they are late. It might still take me days or weeks to get through the list, but eventually things get done.

Getting to Know the New Me

I no longer know myself. I don't know how I am going to react in any given situation. Is it going to stress me out? Will I cry? Will I need to leave? I don't know what I'm capable of or what I can handle anymore. I can write now and initiate conversations with strangers. Can I do other things I couldn't before? Am I willing to try?

It's hard to one day have something happen to you and all of a sudden be a different person. I knew the old me for almost 37 years. The new me I've only had 5 months to get to know. I think it will take a long time before I know who I am again.