The First Day of School

Yesterday was Abby’s first day of school. In our district kindergarten starts the day after everyone else so today would have been Nathaniel’s first day of kindergarten. I woke up feeling terrible with the start of a migraine. I was expecting today to be hard, but it was worse than I was expecting so I decided to make it like a Nathaniel Day. 

Felicity wanted to go to the park so we walked / biked to our neighborhood park down the street and played for a while. Then went to Culver’s for lunch and frozen custard. 

After some fresh air and frozen custard I’m feeling much better.

Nathaniel Day 28 - A Picnic and Ice Cream

With Felicity needing to take a nap and only really sleeping at home lately we have had to make the Nathaniel Day activities pretty small for the past couple of months. This month I asked Abby what she wanted to do for Nathaniel Day. She said "Go to Baby Brother's grave." I didn't want to just go there and hang out so I decided to make a picnic. Dave wasn't going to be home for dinner anyway so we could go whenever Felicity woke up from her nap.

I brought a soccer ball and a frisbee for Abby to play with and we all just hung out in the grass by his grave and enjoyed the nice, sunny day.

While we were there a bunny came over to see us several times and Felicity decided to stand up on her own for the first time.

After our picnic we had a little time before the girls needed to go to bed so we went and got some frozen yogurt for dessert. It was a pretty fun day.

Nathaniel Day 27 - Lunch and Lighthouses

Abby is obsessed with trains. We have found a few restaurants in the area that have trains that bring out the food. She loves them. Usually she doesn't actually eat anything, but she loves going. I found a new one somewhat close to us at the Kenosha Metra station so I thought we would check it out. It was not the best that we have been to. Abby did not like the mac and cheese that she ordered, but drank all of the milkshake that I let her get. She did very much enjoy the trains though.


It was supposed to be a nice, warm day so I thought that while we were there we would also do something that I like and go visit the lighthouses in downtown Kenosha. I haven't been to Kenosha that much and had never been to the lighthouses. It was also the first week that the lighthouse museum was open for the season.

We ate lunch and visited the little museum at the lighthouse on the shore and then decided to go play at the beach and then walk down the pier to the little lighthouse at the end. It was a little cold by the beach but both girls loved it. Felicity crawled all over and tried to eat all the sand. Abby collected all the little things that she could on the beach and used them to decorate a sand castle that she made. We all had a lot of fun and were pretty worn out by the time we left.

On the way home we stopped at Nathaniel's grave to see if the tree above his grave was flowering. We knew it is a cherry tree, but had never seen it in bloom. I'm glad I decided to extend our trip to stop. It was so pretty. If I had waited I might have missed it again this year.

Nathaniel Day 26 - A Little Nature Museum

April's Nathaniel Day is Felicity's birthday. I didn't know how that was going to work. I wanted to do something, but not make the day all about Nathaniel. Last year we were in the hospital so we didn't do anything.

Dave was out of town for the week so we didn't really have anything special planned for her actual birthday. I decided that we would check out one of the local nature museums in a town not far from us. We had never been there before, it was small, and it was close so we would be able to do it in the short window of time between Felicity's naps.

Though the museum was small we managed to spend most of the afternoon there. Abby had to check out all the animals several times and then she found a puzzle of the life cycle of a frog to do. I think she did it at least 10 times before we left. Felicity had fun looking at the turtles and  taking all the stuffed birds out of their pretend nest and throwing them on the floor.

Since it was Felicity's birthday we also had a free kid's meal at Red Robin. I decided to brave going out to eat with both girls by myself. We went pretty early and they both did pretty well. I was too busy eating and getting food to Felicity to get any pictures of that part of the day though.

Nathaniel Day 17 - Bookworm Gardens

You can now read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months by clicking on the Nathaniel Day Activities tab at the top of the page.



I had two ideas of what to do this month. One was in the Chicago area. The other was in Wisconsin. It was supposed to be really hot around us so I decided that we would head north to Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where it was supposed to be much cooler, to check out a place that I had heard about that looked like it could be fun for Abby. I had never been there before so it would be fun for me too.

I intended to leave in the morning and stop for lunch somewhere along the way. It was an hour and a half drive and it closed at 4 so I wanted to give us enough time to enjoy the whole place. We got a bit of a late start so packed a lunch and ate it in the car on our way.
We drove through heat and pouring rain but when we got there the rain stopped and it was fairly pleasant.

We had a fun afternoon exploring the gardens. They were very cute. Abby had a great time darting all around to see everything and sitting in all of the Adirondack chairs. Felicity even woke up for the last half hour that we were there so got to see some of it too.

We stayed until they closed and then played in the magic school bus that was outside the garden for a while and then it was time to get back in the car for the long trip home. Dave was able to drive partway after work so we met him at Cracker Barrel and were able to all eat there for dinner.

It was a lot of driving for one day, but it was worth it. We found a fun new place to go.

The magic school bus

Abby hanging laundry

Sitting in Papa Bear's chair

Abby watching the cute little baby fishies

Checking out Stuart Little's house

 

Felicity's First Trip to Visit Nathaniel

Several weeks ago we went out to lunch for Dave's mom's birthday. It was a beautiful warm day so we decided to visit Nathaniel's grave on the way home. Dave and I hadn't been there for Nathaniel Day so we wanted to see the new decorations and see if there was grass yet.

The grass planted on his grave was starting to grow and there were buds on the flowering tree above it, but they weren't open yet.

Abby left her balloon from the restaurant for baby brother. That was a big deal for her. She doesn't easily give things up. She also picked a bouquet of dandelions for him and left them on his stone.

While we were there Abby explained to Felicity where we were and why we go there. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was really cute. She definitely understands.

Spreading Hope

A few days after Felicity was born I saw a request for birth stories of rainbow babies (babies born after pregnancy or child loss) on a site that I read a lot while I was pregnant with Felicity. I felt like I needed to submit the blog post I had written here so I did. They decided to publish it. It is up today here: http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/rainbow-birth-story-felicity-hope/

I hope it gives people some hope. I know there are a lot out there that could use some.

Big Brother Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

You are now a big brother. Baby sister is here now. She decided to come on Nathaniel day so you're going to have to be a big brother and share. Sometimes the 6th will have to be about both of you now.

We named your baby sister Felicity Hope (not Rudolph like Abby wanted). She is a great baby. She eats and sleeps well. And she's really really cute. We love her, but she doesn't replace you or make it all better that you aren't here with us too. I want all my kids here with me. All three of them.

After you were born I spent many many nights awake in the middle of the night. I should have been up nursing a newborn, but instead I was up thinking. I couldn't turn my mind off to go to sleep. I was so tired, but couldn't sleep. So I wrote. I wrote Abby's book. I wrote this blog. Eventually it got better I was able to sleep at night again. All night.

After Felicity was born I was not able to sleep at night. I should have been sleeping since she was, but instead I was awake thinking of you. That's what is happening right now. She's sound asleep. I should be because I have so much sleep to catch up on, but I can't. I try everything I can think of, but my mind won't turn off. 

A lot of what I'm thinking about is you. I wish you were here, but you're not. We are going to make sure that your little sister knows about you just as much as Abby does, though she won't have ever met you I hope that you will be such a normal part of her life that she tells people all about you when they ask her about her family.

 We brought Nathaniel bear to the hospital with us when I went into labor. I had bought him a little brother shirt. I wanted a big brother one, but I couldn't find one little enough to fit him. Abby has a big sister shirt and there was a little sister one for baby sister when she came. 

I wanted to be able to take a picture at the hospital of all of my kids meeting their new baby sister. With Nathaniel bear as your stand in I was able to get the next best thing. You are still represented. Just as you will be in all of the important days and celebrations of our lives.

We talked about you a lot at the hospital. We told our nurses about you. We showed everyone Nathaniel bear and explained why he is special to us.

 Before we left to go home we got to talking to our nurse about you and found out that two of the nurses that were there last year when you were born were there. One was your baby nurse. The one who had given you your first bath and gotten you ready for us to see you. 

It was so good to see them. They remembered you and were so excited to see us again and meet your baby sister. We talked to them for so long that it was about two hours after we had been discharged that we got ready to leave to go home. 

It reminded me of leaving the hospital last year. Just like last time, we could stay as long as we wanted. No one was making us leave at any particular time. Last year we eventually had to leave and we had to leave you there. This time we were bringing baby sister home with us.

I love you. I'll miss you forever no matter how many more kids I have.

Mommy

Birth day photos of all of my kids.

14 Months

The births of my second and third children are exactly 14 months apart. There are so many similarities between the two days, but also so many drastic differences.

On February 6, 2014 we were unexpectedly sent to the hospital to have a baby. It was a boy. I was very done with the pregnancy and due in three days. I was excited as I walked into the labor and delivery floor. I was by myself. I was coming directly from a doctor's appointment. Abby was with Grandma and so excited to meet her baby brother. Dave was at work and not answering his phone. It was fine. He would eventually answer and come right over. We were ready. We had bags packed and with us at all times.

I was going to be induced. We were going to meet our baby in a few hours and then in a few days bring him home. That is not at all what happened. I was not induced, I had a c section. We met him that day, but he was not alive. He was not coming home. He was gone. In heaven. We left the hospital after shedding so many tears with so many people. Tears of grief.

Three days later, when we could stay no longer, we left Nathaniel at the hospital and went home. We were not the same, but everything looked the same from the outside. We were a family of four, but looked like a family of three.

Fast forward 14 months and we are back at the same hospital, but things are very different. Labor started by itself very quickly so we left our house with Abby and headed to the hospital. Abby was excited to meet baby sister. Grandma met us at the hospital, but they stayed in the waiting room. We didn't know if we were staying. When we got to labor and delivery we were not put in a room right away. We didn't know if we were having a baby that day.

It was determined that we were going to at least stay overnight, but we might be going home without a baby in the morning....at least an outside baby. We might just have to come back another day. I might have to continue with my worrying that there was something wrong and that this baby would die too. My doctors would also continue to worry and test and examine possible problems.

Labor continued, but we still didn't know if I was going to need to have a c section or if the baby was going to be born vaginally.

I continued to labor. I signed paperwork to consent to a c section if needed. I got and epidural. I worried that I would end up with a c section for hours. I worried that my baby would die. Again.

The hours passed. We were having a baby. It was taking a long time. She was probably not coming that day, but would be here by the next day.

At 3:57 am on April 6, 2015 our baby girl was born. Vaginally and alive. She was put on my chest and I cried. Tears of relief and happiness and hope.

I was no longer scared. I was no longer in pain. A huge weight had been lifted from me. I no longer had to count kicks twice a day to make sure she was still alive. She was here. I could see her and was no longer worried.

This baby is coming home. And because of her we are able to share the story of her brother with more people. He will live on. We will continue to tell his story. Now that story includes the story of his little sister, Felicity Hope, who is very much alive and currently sleeping on my lap.

Our family - April 7, 2015