Nathaniel Day 24 - Birthday Packing Party

We decided for Nathaniel's birthday party this year to volunteer with our family at Feed My Starving Children. We spent the afternoon packing meals to send to starving kids around the world. Grandmas and Grandpa and Dave's sister and brother in law and their kids were able to join us for the afternoon. I signed us up as a birthday party so there was even a sign saying happy birthday to Nathaniel. It was a little awkward when they were looking for the birthday people and we said Nathaniel wasn't there. We got there late so didn't have a chance to tell anyone beforehand. But if we had talked to someone about the situation maybe they wouldn't have announced his name.

I think everyone enjoyed the packing. Abby did all the jobs. She scooped and weighed and labeled and helped box. She was one tired girl after the session was done. 

I have no idea how much our little group of me, Dave, and 5 kids packed. We weren't very good about keeping track of how many boxes we did. The whole big group ended up packing 125 boxes which would be enough to feed 74 kids for a year.

After the session we bought Nathaniel a bird and a giraffe at the FMSC shop to decorate his grave. We have been meaning to get him some new decorations, but hadn't found anything we liked yet. This way we got something fun and provided 140 meals for starving kids.

After the packing we picked up some mexican food. Most of us went over to Grandma's house for some dinner and birthday cake. It turned out to be a really fun day.

Two Years

Happy birthday Nathaniel!

Today you would be two. It's hard to believe that it has been two whole years that you have been gone. It really doesn't feel like it most of the time.

We aren't having a big party this year like we did for your 1st birthday, but we are going to celebrate with family and a couple of friends. Abby is so excited for your birthday. When I got up she ran and excitedly told me "It's baby brother's birthday today!". She's been counting down for days. Today she's been asking all day when it was time to go pack meals for kids for your birthday party. We're not going until after lunch. That's a long time for her to wait. The last couple of days she and I have been working on making you a cake. She decided that you would like a chocolate George cake and that she would blow out your candles for you.

A while ago I signed you up for a birthday club so about two weeks ago you got a birthday card from Geoffrey Giraffe. It will probably be the only card you get each year, but that's ok. I considered bringing it into the store to get you the crown and balloon that are part of the gift, but ran out of time. The cake took longer to make than I was expecting and your baby sister is teething and not sleeping well so we have been having a hard time leaving the house lately. I was going to let Nathaniel bear wear the crown and hold the balloon for the party and then bring the balloon to your grave afterwards.

I miss you so so much.

Mommy

P.S.  - You have a new baby cousin. He was born this week. He was born on Great Grandpa's birthday and is named after you. Not many two year olds have a namesake so that's pretty cool.

Nathaniel Day 21 - Packing Food for Kids

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months by clicking on the Nathaniel Day Activities tab at the top of the page.

On November 6th Dave's work group was doing a team building day packing meals at Feed My Starving Children. Abby is now old enough to volunteer and there were spots for us so we left Felicity with Grandma and joined them for the afternoon session. 

Abby had so much fun and was exhausted by the end! She helped scoop ingredients for a while until her arms got tired and then she joined Dave in packing the finished meals into a box for shipping. She was in charge of keeping track of how many boxes we packed. I think our team (Dave's work group plus me and Abby) packed 16 or 17 boxes. 

The whole group that session packed a total of 132 boxes which will make 79,200 meals for severely malnurished children. That is enough to feed 72 kids for an entire year!

Spreading Hope

A few days after Felicity was born I saw a request for birth stories of rainbow babies (babies born after pregnancy or child loss) on a site that I read a lot while I was pregnant with Felicity. I felt like I needed to submit the blog post I had written here so I did. They decided to publish it. It is up today here: http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/rainbow-birth-story-felicity-hope/

I hope it gives people some hope. I know there are a lot out there that could use some.

Nathaniel's Legacy at the Library

We got a thank you letter from the library yesterday. It included a list of all the books that were donated or bought by the library with funds people gave for Nathaniel's birthday. I brought two more over today so now the total is now 57 books donated in Nathaniel's name.

If you donated and included your address on the form you should be receiving a thank you letter from the library. If you donated money there will be a list of the books that the library bought in your name.

We were at the library today so I decided to see if any of them were there. Most were checked out, but I did find four or five. So if you donated a book (or books) here is what they look like.

Nathaniel Day 9 - Robot Factory, Treats, and Shoeboxes

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months here (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8).

For Nathaniel Day this month we didn't have a big activity planned. Abby has story time at the library on Thursdays so we went to that. I let her pick out a movie to watch that night. We brought some lunch with us and ate in the car on our way to the Robot Factory.

The Robot Factory is a little place in Libertyville, IL. It is mostly a place to build with LEGOs. Abby had a coupon from the summer reading program at the library so I thought that it would be fun for the afternoon. It was only open until 2 hence the lunch in the car so that we could be there as long as possible.

Abby had a lot of fun at the Robot Factory. There was a separate room for the littler kids filled with at least three different trains, a doll house, a play kitchen, cars and roads and ramps, and lots of LEGOs. Abby spent most of the time playing with the trains (surprise, surprise) while I made a zoo on the big train table. We played until the place closed and were the only people there all afternoon so had the place all to ourselves.

After that we went and got a treat. I gave Abby the option of ice cream or getting a cookie. She chose ice cream. 

We had Dave pick up dinner since he didn't get to participate in the rest of the day. We had a picnic dinner in the back room and watched the movie that Abby had chosen at the library while wrapping and filling our boxes for Operation Christmas Child. We didn't finish them all that night, but ended up with 13 by the time we were all done with all of them. I figured that 9 were for Nathaniel, one for each month old he would have been, and 4 for Abby, one for each year.

Shopping Trip Update

We went shopping today to spend Nathaniel's gift card. This is what we got. I think we did pretty good. There was a clearance sale so we got all this and only spent $2 (after the gift card).

Spending Nathaniel's Money

We had a registry for stuff for Nathaniel. We mostly created it because the store where we made it was having a promotion that gave a small percentage of money spent on the purchases of items off the registry back about a month after the baby was supposed to be born. We figured we would use it ourselves as a list of things that we could use or needed to be replaced after Abby, not expecting to have a shower for Nathaniel since he was our second child. It turned out that friends from church threw us a shower and people were really generous so we actually got quite a bit off of our registry.

Even after returning a lot of stuff after Nathaniel died, I still got a gift card in my email a little over a month after his birth. It was about a week after the group from church had gone to Guatemala so we didn't have anything to use it on. I was planning on maybe using it to buy a baby gift if I needed one. (There are a few people who we know who are pregnant.) But I haven't been invited to any baby showers and none of the babies are born yet.

The gift card has an expiration date. That date is coming up. Quickly. So I figured that we need to go use it. Since I have been thinking about Operation Christmas Child boxes, we decided to use it to buy stuff for that. So tomorrow we are going to make a trip to the store as a family and see how many things we can find to buy with that gift card. I hope there's a lot.

Sending Christmas Presents From Nathaniel

Every year as a family we make shoe boxes to send overseas to kids in need with Operation Christmas Child. I collect stuff all year to put in them. Whenever I find a really good deal on something that would be good for them I buy a bunch and put it in a box in the closet. I was at the grocery store recently and they had carts of little girl's sandals for free. I got a bunch. They should fit some little girl. So into the box they went.

Before Nathaniel was born I had bought some presents for him for Christmas this year. In the collection are some books that are great for babies. They are made of special rip-proof paper  that is even washable. They are picture books. They have no words so should be great in boxes. It doesn't matter what country they will end up going to. They are now in the box.

Back to school sale season is here. There will be lots of great deals on school supplies for the next month or so. I will get a bunch of notebooks and pencils, markers and crayons, scissors and glue when they are cheap and they will all go in the box too.

I think I'm going to need a much bigger box this year. It's already overflowing with what I've collected so far and that's after I gave away some of the school supplies that were left over from last year to send to Guatemala with the team from church.

Want to help us send presents? You can make boxes yourself or you can collect stuff and give it to us and we can pool everything and make lots of boxes. Collection week isn't until November so you have lots of time. Last year I think we made 8 as a family. I don't really have a goal of how many to do this year, but I want to do lots and lots for Nathaniel. We won't be buying presents for him this year (or ever) so we can use what we would have spent to send love and hope and joy to little children around the world who don't have anything. If they get a shoebox gift it might be the only present that they have ever gotten in their life.

If you would like more information contact me using the form at the bottom of the page or go to the Operation Christmas Child website.

Nathaniel Day 4 - Museum and Food

Nathaniel Day 4 came quickly for me. May was busy with the start of this blog and my parents visiting so June was here before I knew it.

I had a hard time coming up with something to do for Nathaniel Day this month. It needed to be fun for me and not something that we can do all the time like go to the pool. We had gone to the train museum with Grandma and Grandpa while they were here so that was out. This month I also was thinking I might want to volunteer somewhere, but Abby's not old enough to do that most places. I decided to try to do both. June 6th fell on a Friday so Dave could participate in the evening and we didn't need to get home at any particular time. We just needed a place to volunteer and a babysitter.

On Wednesday I still didn't have a plan. I happened to look on the website for Feed My Starving Children and they had 14 spots to fill for Friday night. We called Dave's mom. She could babysit. We decided to all go to dinner beforehand. Evening activities planned.

I decided to check and see what museum passes were available at the library on Thursday. That way Abby and I could do something fun for possibly free. The Lake County Discovery Museum pass was available and we hadn't been there for a long time so I got that. Daytime activities planned.

Eating lunch with the mastodon
outside the museum

Friday was a beautiful day so I decided to bring a picnic lunch with us to the museum. It is at a forest preserve so I figured we could find a picnic table and maybe play a little before going into the museum. It's not a very big museum. It was not going to take all day to look at even if we read every sign there.

Abby's favorite picture

We had fun at the museum. I think we were the only people there for a while. There was a kid's play room that we hadn't been in before. Abby had fun playing with buffalo on the prairie and building bird's nests. Some of the time she was in there I was able to look at the photography exhibit that was right outside.

Playing with the buffalo

Building a nest

After we looked at everything in the museum we decided to see if we could find a playground to play at for a while. We found some baby swings. From there we could see the big trucks working on the road. We watched the trucks digging for a long time. Then it was time to go home so that we could go to dinner with Grandma.

Highlight of the day for Abby. Watching the construction
across the street.

We met Grandma for dinner at Red Robin and then Dave and I left them at our house. We had a great time packing meals for about an hour. There was a fairly small group of 75 people there that night. Together we packed enough food to feed 45 kids in Haiti for a year. I will definitely keep it in mind for another Nathaniel Day activity. I can do it any time as long as I can find someone to watch Abby for a couple hours. That shouldn't be a problem. We have a long list of people who would love to play with her for an afternoon.

I had fun with Abby. I helped feed kids. I hardly even cried. Nathaniel Day was a success once again. I already have the next one planned. It's on a weekend so Dave can join us all day for the fun.

A Heart to Hang on the Tree

I make handmade paper. One Christmas I made each member of my extended family and Dave's extended family a personalized ornament. Since then I have made a new one for each new baby that has come. This year I am planning on making all of my family Nathaniel ornaments out of recycled paper that I associate with him (envelopes from sympathy cards, his registry printout, receipts, etc) and flowers from the memorial service. Each family will get one. I haven't started on them yet. I will soon.

I also thought of making ornaments for my loss friends. The idea in my head was that they could give me a few things, if they had them, and I would make them into an ornament that they could keep forever.

It seemed like a good idea. I just didn't know how much paper I would need to make one ornament. I have never made just one. I was making lots at a time. The other day, while Abby was napping, I decided to make one for the family of baby Edward. I had the program from his funeral service and a few other pieces of paper that I associated with him. I also added a page from the baby brother book that was sitting on the desk.

Here's what I started with: 2 1/2 pieces of paper and a blue envelope that I had. I added 1/2 a sheet of blue tissue paper so that they would end up with a little more color.

I was able to make either 3 big hearts or maybe 12 little ones. That's more than I expected.

Now I know I can make something special for someone who is hurting even if they don't have much to give me. One or two pieces of paper that have meaning to them can make a beautiful memorial for the one they have lost.

The finished product. I think it turned out well.

For the family of baby Edward.
All ready to go in the mail.
They don't know about it. Hopefully it brightens their day when they get it.

Something to Say

I thought writing a blog would be hard. I don't normally write. I don't usually journal, but since Nathaniel died I have. There are things I need to get out of my head. If they stay there I can't stop thinking about them. Sometimes I can't sleep because of all the thoughts in my head.

When I started this blog I didn't know how long I would be able to keep it going. I thought I would run out of things to say quickly. I haven't. I have plenty to say and I keep coming up with more. I am always thinking of Nathaniel and often do things to remember him. Since this blog is about him there is always something to write.

What is even more surprising to me is that people are reading what I have to say. Lots of people. Every day. Some of these people are people I don't know. I'm glad. I started this blog for them. I wanted to spread the hope that we have to as many people as possible.

Thanks everyone for reading. Come back again.

Goats and Ice Cream

A couple nights ago Dave and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Dave - "Should I quit my job so we can go to a third world country to start an orphanage?"
Me - "Nope. I don't want to live in a third world country."
Dave - "What about a second world country?"
Me - "Maybe"
Dave - "What's your passion?"
Me - "I don't know."
Dave - "Do you like kids? Do you like teaching kids? How about teenagers? Do you like reading books? To kids? What about having an ice cream store? We could milk goats and make ice cream. Kids like ice cream."

So what is my passion? I was thinking about this for a long time. I think I know what it is now. I need to help people and I need to give them hope. I don't know what that is going to look like.

I don't want to leave everything here and move, especially not to a third world country. Is that where God wants us? I hope not, but if it is I will go. I don't want to, but there's a lot I'm doing now that I don't want to do. I would even milk goats to make ice cream.

Planting a Tree in the Snow

The doctors at my OB's office (there are six in the practice and I had to see them all) got us a tree for Nathaniel. They picked it out and the nursery was supposed to call us in the spring when it was time to plant it. One day in April I noticed that there were flags in our yard. Then I got a call from the nursery explaining that they had called to have the utilities flagged and that we needed to let them know where we wanted the tree planted.

Dave and I talked about it and decided that it would have to go in the backyard, but that we didn't want it to eventually shade the garden or be too close to the driveway so we decided to put it kind of close to the fence. I called them back and let them know that we had picked a spot for it. Nothing was said about when they were going to come plant it, but I told them that I was usually home so didn't think much of it.

A couple days later it snowed. I thought that meant we weren't going to get the tree planted. I was wrong. The next morning I got a call from the guy at the greenhouse. He said that the freak snow was the perfect time to plant a tree so he would send someone out that day to do it.

The guy showed up. Abby and I happened to be outside playing. He started digging and within 15 minutes he was gone and we had a beautiful new magnolia tree in our yard. It was even starting to flower.

One of the buds the day we got it.

Abby checking out Baby Brother's tree

It really flowered on Easter

The Invisible Ones

Abby and I go to the library on Thursdays. Sometimes while we are there we see a group of special needs adults, often where we are in the preschool section. Today they were just getting there as we were leaving. One man looked at us. I smiled at him.

We went to the grocery store after the library as we do sometimes. When we got there a young man was hanging out outside. He appeared to be waiting for someone, maybe someone to pick him up. He was still there when we were leaving and I noticed that he was getting carts that were left in the parking lot and putting them back to get the quarter. I could have left my cart for him, but I didn't. I put it back. I thought about asking him if he needed anything. I probably should have said something but I didn't. It was late. We needed to get home to eat lunch. As I was walking back to my car I smiled at him and said hi.

Since Nathaniel died I have been very aware of the people around me. I want to make sure that everyone I know is ok. If they aren't, I want to help them. I may not be able to, but I desperately want to.

I am now more aware of the invisible people, the outcasts of society. We walk by them and look the other way. If we ignore them then maybe they won't ask us for something; money, acceptance, love. Maybe it's just too painful to us, the passerby, to acknowledge them.  Some days I have felt like an outcast myself. It seems that people avoid talking to me. They either don't know what to say or don't want me to be sad. It really doesn't matter. It still hurts.

Now I know that it is worse on the other side, being ignored or, even worse, avoided so that someone else doesn't feel bad, I don't want to do that to people anymore. I may not have anything to give them physically, but I can smile and say hi.

Hats and Blankets

There is a group at the hospital for the parents of babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, etc. The woman who is facilitating the group now had a daughter who was stillborn in February of 2010. For remembrance of Hannah's birthday she was collecting blankets to donate to the hospital for other families that go through what we have gone through. We were given blankets at the hospital for Nathaniel, but they weren't really for stillborn babies. They were supposed to be for sick kids, but that was what was available. There isn't much that is given to hospitals for full term, normal size infants. They are supposed to be going home.

Since I crochet, I decided that I was going to make some blankets to donate. It was something I was thinking about doing already, but now I had an easy way to donate them. I already had some little puppy hats made like we had brought to the hospital for Nathaniel. I made a blanket to coordinate with each of the hats. One for a girl, one for a boy, and a gender neutral one. I hope no one ever has to use these hats or blankets, but I realize that is probably not the case.

Nathaniel's Legacy in Guatemala

A group from our church was going to Guatemala in the beginning of March. When I originally heard about the trip I wanted to go, but since I was pregnant and due at the beginning of February that wasn't going to happen.

We were thrown a baby shower for Nathaniel. People were very generous and gave us all kinds of stuff. We didn't really need anything since we had gotten gender neutral stuff for Abby so we ended up with lots of clothes and a few odds and ends of little things that we felt we should have new for the new baby. After Nathaniel died we didn't need any of that stuff.

One day at church the thought came to me that we could send stuff with the Guatemala team. They were going to be working with an orphanage there. I figured they could use baby stuff. I talked to the trip coordinator and she said that they would be able to use it and to bring it to church in the next few weeks.

I decided to go through the stuff we had for Nathaniel and figure out what we wanted to keep and what we should return. I was going to use the credit that we would get to buy seasonally appropriate clothes for the kids in Guatemala. I knew it was going to be hard to go through the stuff, but I wasn't attached to much of it. He had only worn two outfits at the hospital. Everything else wasn't really his. A lot was hand me downs from Abby or had been bought used and I didn't associate it with him. After going through everything I had a big pile to be returned and a large bag of clothes to donate to the trip.

One day Dave and I went out with Abby and returned everything in the return pile. Surprisingly, I didn't even cry. I thought it was going to be really hard, but it wasn't. It was actually kind of fun once the returning was done and I started shopping. The store happened to be having a clearance sale and there were racks and racks of clothes for $3 or less. We ended up getting 37 things, most which were outfits or multi-packs and 8 light blankets. Because of Nathaniel lots of kids were going to get new clothes.

I've heard a little from a few people that went on the trip about what happened to the clothes. We were told that they went to kids that live in a slum that probably only have a few things that are theirs. Those things likely came from the garbage dump where their parents work. They have probably never gotten anything brand new just for them in their life.

The team is speaking at church this next Sunday about the trip. I am excited to hear about it and how our son impacted the lives of kids in another part of the world.