The First Day of School

Yesterday was Abby’s first day of school. In our district kindergarten starts the day after everyone else so today would have been Nathaniel’s first day of kindergarten. I woke up feeling terrible with the start of a migraine. I was expecting today to be hard, but it was worse than I was expecting so I decided to make it like a Nathaniel Day. 

Felicity wanted to go to the park so we walked / biked to our neighborhood park down the street and played for a while. Then went to Culver’s for lunch and frozen custard. 

After some fresh air and frozen custard I’m feeling much better.

It's all going to be ok

Our family has had a tough year.

Last summer we decided to move. We moved into our new house in September. We put our old house on the market in October, after we moved. It now May and it has still not sold.

It has been under contract 4 times. The first buyer backed out within a few days, the second after inspection because of water issues in the crawlspace. We took it off the market for a few months and had the water issue fixed. The third time we really thought it was going to sell, but after a contract extension the buyer was not able to get financing. We are now on contract number four and are supposed to close in a little over two weeks.

Through it all we have not been stressed or worried that it will sell or that we will not be able to pay our bills. We don't like that it has taken so long and don't really like having two house payments, but we are confident that God is going to take care of us and that it is all going to be ok. We have been through so much worse with Nathaniel's death. God has been with us through that and he will be with us now with this. We just need to wait. With hope.

Help Us Feed Starving Children

For the past two years our family, as part of Nathaniel's birthday celebration, has volunteered for the organization Feed My Starving Children along with some friends and extended family members each year. We will be volunteering to pack food again this year for his 4th birthday.

This year I decided to create a fundraising page so that our friends and out of town family that can not participate physically packing food with us can participate by donating money to get the packed food to starving kids around the world.

If you would like to donate you can do so here at https://give.fmsc.org/nathanielslegacy.

October 15th

Today (October 15th) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This year it was also the day of our local hospital's annual Walk to Remember. We walked and released balloons to remember Nathaniel and all the other babies who died too soon. Then tonight Dave and the girls lit a candle for the international wave of light to remember all the babies and children who have died.

A New Book

A new resource for bereaved parents has just come out in the last week. I have been wanting to write about it here for a long time, but wanted to wait until it had been officially published.

It is a collection of essays written by a group of 26 people who have lost a child, some in pregnancy, some in infancy, and some later in life.  It was written to give those that are new in their grief some hope for the future. Each essay was written to describe one aspect of life in the first year after loss.

I found out about this book when there was a call for essays to be submitted in an online group that I am a part of. The editor of the book was specifically asking for essays from fathers. I forwarded the information on to Dave. He decided to write one and out of several hundred entries, his essay was accepted to be part of the book and one of only two from the perspective of a father.

The book is now available. We are eagerly awaiting its arrival at our house, hopefully in the next couple of days.

Explaining Baby Brother

It's August which means it's back to school time again. It's a time of the year that I love and look forward to for at least the last month of the summer since that means that I will have one less kid at home all day long. It's much more peaceful and I have nap time to do whatever I want. At the same time it is something that I dread because I will have to explain Nathaniel to new people.

This year Abby is in first grade. She is in the dual language program at her school which basically means that she has two teachers and two whole classes worth of kids in her class. Last year there were at least eight dual language kindergarten classes. Any of the kids in those eight classes could be in her class this year. That's potentially a lot of new people.

Today Abby, Felicity, and I went to school to drop off supplies and meet her teachers. Since we were there early there was no one else in the room for a while and I took the opportunity to let both of her teachers know that Abby also has a brother who died. We like to let her teachers know about Nathaniel right away, if possible, because he is very much a part of our family and Abby brings him up all the time. Often when she meets other kids she immediately tells them that she has a baby brother but he died. I've witnessed this many many times at the park when Abby meets someone new. It never seems to bother the other kid at all.

Meeting new people has always been hard for me. I am terrible at small talk and one of the first things that most people ask about is how many kids you have or if you have other kids besides the one that they know about through school or other activity. I hate answering that question and never know what I am going to say. Sometimes I tell people about him and sometimes I just say that I have two girls at home.

As time passes that conversation comes up more often. In some ways it was so much easier at the beginning, right after he died. We told everyone all at once so everyone that we came in contact with fairly regularly already knew. That is not the case anymore. I think there are even people at our very small church who don't know about him at all. We have several new families that have come in the last couple of years and I'm not sure that we have ever told them.

I never know what is going to happen when I tell people about Nathaniel. Sometimes it ends the conversation and sometimes people want to know more. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I'm perfectly fine. Today I got teary when I told the first teacher, but a few minutes later was fine telling the second one. I have no idea why. I really do like talking about him. I just don't enjoy the initial conversation at all.

Nathaniel Day 28 - A Picnic and Ice Cream

With Felicity needing to take a nap and only really sleeping at home lately we have had to make the Nathaniel Day activities pretty small for the past couple of months. This month I asked Abby what she wanted to do for Nathaniel Day. She said "Go to Baby Brother's grave." I didn't want to just go there and hang out so I decided to make a picnic. Dave wasn't going to be home for dinner anyway so we could go whenever Felicity woke up from her nap.

I brought a soccer ball and a frisbee for Abby to play with and we all just hung out in the grass by his grave and enjoyed the nice, sunny day.

While we were there a bunny came over to see us several times and Felicity decided to stand up on her own for the first time.

After our picnic we had a little time before the girls needed to go to bed so we went and got some frozen yogurt for dessert. It was a pretty fun day.

Nathaniel Day 27 - Lunch and Lighthouses

Abby is obsessed with trains. We have found a few restaurants in the area that have trains that bring out the food. She loves them. Usually she doesn't actually eat anything, but she loves going. I found a new one somewhat close to us at the Kenosha Metra station so I thought we would check it out. It was not the best that we have been to. Abby did not like the mac and cheese that she ordered, but drank all of the milkshake that I let her get. She did very much enjoy the trains though.


It was supposed to be a nice, warm day so I thought that while we were there we would also do something that I like and go visit the lighthouses in downtown Kenosha. I haven't been to Kenosha that much and had never been to the lighthouses. It was also the first week that the lighthouse museum was open for the season.

We ate lunch and visited the little museum at the lighthouse on the shore and then decided to go play at the beach and then walk down the pier to the little lighthouse at the end. It was a little cold by the beach but both girls loved it. Felicity crawled all over and tried to eat all the sand. Abby collected all the little things that she could on the beach and used them to decorate a sand castle that she made. We all had a lot of fun and were pretty worn out by the time we left.

On the way home we stopped at Nathaniel's grave to see if the tree above his grave was flowering. We knew it is a cherry tree, but had never seen it in bloom. I'm glad I decided to extend our trip to stop. It was so pretty. If I had waited I might have missed it again this year.

Nathaniel Day 26 - A Little Nature Museum

April's Nathaniel Day is Felicity's birthday. I didn't know how that was going to work. I wanted to do something, but not make the day all about Nathaniel. Last year we were in the hospital so we didn't do anything.

Dave was out of town for the week so we didn't really have anything special planned for her actual birthday. I decided that we would check out one of the local nature museums in a town not far from us. We had never been there before, it was small, and it was close so we would be able to do it in the short window of time between Felicity's naps.

Though the museum was small we managed to spend most of the afternoon there. Abby had to check out all the animals several times and then she found a puzzle of the life cycle of a frog to do. I think she did it at least 10 times before we left. Felicity had fun looking at the turtles and  taking all the stuffed birds out of their pretend nest and throwing them on the floor.

Since it was Felicity's birthday we also had a free kid's meal at Red Robin. I decided to brave going out to eat with both girls by myself. We went pretty early and they both did pretty well. I was too busy eating and getting food to Felicity to get any pictures of that part of the day though.

New Decorations

We got some new decorations for Nathaniel's grave at Feed My Starving Children when we were there to pack meals for his birthday. Abby picked out the giraffe, which she named Giraffy. 

The next day we brought them to the cemetery and put them in place. We have since removed the Christmas lights. Soon we will have to bring some of his other summertime things back.

Nathaniel Day 24 - Birthday Packing Party

We decided for Nathaniel's birthday party this year to volunteer with our family at Feed My Starving Children. We spent the afternoon packing meals to send to starving kids around the world. Grandmas and Grandpa and Dave's sister and brother in law and their kids were able to join us for the afternoon. I signed us up as a birthday party so there was even a sign saying happy birthday to Nathaniel. It was a little awkward when they were looking for the birthday people and we said Nathaniel wasn't there. We got there late so didn't have a chance to tell anyone beforehand. But if we had talked to someone about the situation maybe they wouldn't have announced his name.

I think everyone enjoyed the packing. Abby did all the jobs. She scooped and weighed and labeled and helped box. She was one tired girl after the session was done. 

I have no idea how much our little group of me, Dave, and 5 kids packed. We weren't very good about keeping track of how many boxes we did. The whole big group ended up packing 125 boxes which would be enough to feed 74 kids for a year.

After the session we bought Nathaniel a bird and a giraffe at the FMSC shop to decorate his grave. We have been meaning to get him some new decorations, but hadn't found anything we liked yet. This way we got something fun and provided 140 meals for starving kids.

After the packing we picked up some mexican food. Most of us went over to Grandma's house for some dinner and birthday cake. It turned out to be a really fun day.

Two Years

Happy birthday Nathaniel!

Today you would be two. It's hard to believe that it has been two whole years that you have been gone. It really doesn't feel like it most of the time.

We aren't having a big party this year like we did for your 1st birthday, but we are going to celebrate with family and a couple of friends. Abby is so excited for your birthday. When I got up she ran and excitedly told me "It's baby brother's birthday today!". She's been counting down for days. Today she's been asking all day when it was time to go pack meals for kids for your birthday party. We're not going until after lunch. That's a long time for her to wait. The last couple of days she and I have been working on making you a cake. She decided that you would like a chocolate George cake and that she would blow out your candles for you.

A while ago I signed you up for a birthday club so about two weeks ago you got a birthday card from Geoffrey Giraffe. It will probably be the only card you get each year, but that's ok. I considered bringing it into the store to get you the crown and balloon that are part of the gift, but ran out of time. The cake took longer to make than I was expecting and your baby sister is teething and not sleeping well so we have been having a hard time leaving the house lately. I was going to let Nathaniel bear wear the crown and hold the balloon for the party and then bring the balloon to your grave afterwards.

I miss you so so much.

Mommy

P.S.  - You have a new baby cousin. He was born this week. He was born on Great Grandpa's birthday and is named after you. Not many two year olds have a namesake so that's pretty cool.

Nathaniel Day 23 - Waterpark Fun

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months by clicking on the Nathaniel Day Activities tab at the top of the page.

We had Abby's 5th birthday party at an indoor water park near us. She has been asking when we could go again so we decided that we could go there for this month's Nathaniel Day activity. 

Open swim was in the evening so Dave was able to come with us. He came home a little early and we headed right over to the water park. We played in the water for about an hour and then headed to a restaurant close by for some dinner of BBQ (mac n' cheese for Abby of course). It was already past bedtime for the girls when we got there, but they did pretty well for being so tired. 

Nathaniel Day 22 - Continuing Christmas Traditions

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months by clicking on the Nathaniel Day Activities tab at the top of the page.

Last year for December's Nathaniel Day we decorated his magnolia tree in the backyard. We decided do that again this year. I think it will be a new tradition for December 6th each year. I took the girls out shopping for ornaments a few days before. Abby chose one for herself and one to be for Felicity. We invited family to join us to help decorate and asked them to bring an ornament for the tree. 

After the tree decorating everyone else left and we got ready to go the the Chicago Botanic Garden for their holiday train exhibit. Abby loved all the trains. There was even a Thomas train and snow falling every once in a while! I think Felicity enjoyed it too. There was so much to look at.

At first Abby ran through the exhibit in about 10 minutes and then wanted to go outside to see the lights. It wasn't dark yet and we had paid to go to the train exhibit so we convinced her to stay and look a little longer. I also wanted to see the cool landmarks and Chicago buildings and hadn't had much of a chance since I had been focused on making sure I knew where Abby was as she darted from train to train.

We ended up staying until the exhibit closed. Then we headed outside to see the lights in the garden before heading home for some dinner.

Nathaniel Day 21 - Packing Food for Kids

You can read about the idea behind Nathaniel Day and the activities of previous months by clicking on the Nathaniel Day Activities tab at the top of the page.

On November 6th Dave's work group was doing a team building day packing meals at Feed My Starving Children. Abby is now old enough to volunteer and there were spots for us so we left Felicity with Grandma and joined them for the afternoon session. 

Abby had so much fun and was exhausted by the end! She helped scoop ingredients for a while until her arms got tired and then she joined Dave in packing the finished meals into a box for shipping. She was in charge of keeping track of how many boxes we packed. I think our team (Dave's work group plus me and Abby) packed 16 or 17 boxes. 

The whole group that session packed a total of 132 boxes which will make 79,200 meals for severely malnurished children. That is enough to feed 72 kids for an entire year!