We're Going

The trip to Minneapolis is happening. Tickets to the Summit have been purchased. Hotel reservations have been made. Grandma offered to have Abby stay with them while we are gone.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited to meet people who understand. Scared because it's something new. New is always scary for me.

Nathaniel Day 3 - Brookfield Zoo

We had a fun day yesterday celebrating Nathaniel Day 4. I will write about it soon. First I need to catch up.

If you missed some and would like to catch up:
Why we celebrate Nathaniel Day
Nathaniel Day 2

May 6th was supposed to be a nice day so we decided to go to the zoo. Grandma was able to come with us. Abby and Grandma and I had a lot of fun. The day was beautiful. We saw most of the zoo. Had a picnic while Abby played on the playground. We even saw some magnolia trees in bloom which reminded me of Nathaniel. There were also a lot of baby animals. They were fun to see.

Watching giraffes

Baby Nora

Abby really liked the polar bear. He swam right up to her.

Pretty tulips

Magnolia tree

Family of geese we found by the playground

4 Months

Happy 4 month birthday in heaven Nathaniel. It's a beautiful, sunny day. Mommy and Daddy and Abby are going to try to have lots of fun today in remembrance of you.

We miss you everyday.

Next Time Will Be Different

With both of our pregnancies we have waited to tell people for quite a while. With Abby we didn't find out until 8 weeks. We told our families almost right away and friends after we reached the "safe zone" of 13 weeks.

Last summer Dave's brother was getting married. We were also going to Alaska to visit my family. We had just found out for sure that we were pregnant with Nathaniel about a week before we went on vacation, but didn't want to tell anyone until we had the first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat. The appointment was a week after we got back. The wedding was the next week. We decided to wait until after the wedding to tell people so that we didn't steal the attention from the couple at the wedding. We didn't want to tell my family before we had told anyone else so it was a secret for quite a while.

It was hard to keep it secret. I was sick a lot. There were a lot of things that I just couldn't do on vacation. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I did do quite a bit. We went bike riding and hiking with my sisters. I just had to do it a lot slower than I would have liked.

If we get pregnant again we will be telling people right away. Before I didn't want to tell people and then have to untell them if I miscarried so I waited until it was "safe". I now know that there is no time that is safe. For me it is better for people to know. I need to be able to have people around me who know what is going on and are there for me.

Thinking of Going on a Trip

A month or so after Nathaniel was born I was clicking through baby loss websites and came across the Star Legacy Foundation, a non-profit organization working on stillbirth awareness and research. They are having a conference for medical professionals, counselors, and families in a few weeks in Minneapolis. I didn't think of signing up. I don't like going to things like that. They are scary with all the new people and unknown situations. I get anxious just thinking about it.

I was looking at the agenda for the last day of the conference today. A lot of it is for families. I think it could be really helpful. It might be good to meet some other families too. Scary, but good.

Maybe I'll go. Maybe the whole family will.

Everything is Too Easy Sometimes

It might sound strange, but sometimes I think that my life is too easy right now. Usually the thought comes to me when I am somewhere fun with Abby, like the children's museum or the pool. I should be the mom juggling nursing her baby while making sure the preschooler doesn't dart off somewhere, but I'm not. I can play with her or just sit on a bench and watch her play with the other kids. So sometimes I sit and watch, thinking about what I thought life was going to be like and it makes me sad.

Other days I'm grateful for the easiness. I'm a little sick right now. With a baby I would not be getting as much sleep at night and I would have many more things to do during the day. Abby can be self sufficient most of the time. She knows how to turn on the TV and where her yogurts are in the refrigerator so if I need extra sleep I can have it. She will be fine. She will come get me if she needs something and then I can go back to sleep.

I can exercise. Every day if I want to. I know this is not something everyone can do. I'm grateful for it. It's helping me from feeling crazy. I can do an exercise video at home while Abby is "napping" or I can go for a 23 mile bike ride by myself and not have to worry about needing to be home at a certain time to feed a baby.

I can spend hours writing and connecting with people online. Maybe I would be able to do that with a baby maybe not.

I'm choosing to see the positives, but it's hard. It helps a little. Sometimes.

A Visit Should Be Fun

I have been sad and moody for the last couple of days. Today I realized why. My parents are here. This trip has been planned since last year sometime. It is the only thing that we had on our calendar for after Nathaniel was supposed to be here. It was when my parents were supposed to meet their grandson. Instead they met him in February at his memorial service.

We have been having fun and doing fun things over the last couple of days, but we should be having fun with an almost four month old along with us. We could have done the exact same things that we have done over the last couple of days with an infant. We could have gone to the train museum and stayed with them at the campground and gone to the beach and for hikes and out to dinner and to high tea. I know because I have seen them at every one of the places we have gone.

I thought I was doing so well for the last couple of weeks. Not anymore. Friday it will be 4 months that he has been gone. I have not planned what to do that day yet. I need to do something. I just don't know what. It needs to be special and it needs to be fun for me. I was thinking of volunteering somewhere, but that would have required me to make a phone call and I just couldn't. Maybe I will. I have a few more days.